Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
He thinks I want to leave him(16 Posts)
Hi, I've never posted here before so please be gentle. So as not to drip feed, this might get a bit long.
DH and I have been together for 6 years, married 2.5. 2 step children, none between us, been TTC for 18 months with 2 miscarriages last year.
We've had a rough patch. I've been struggling with the MCs and TTC in general, the constant counting, the pain every single month when its failed AGAIN.
We generally are very close, make time for each other, date nights etc. He isn't the best at the small things, intimacy and kisses/cuddles etc which has been an issue in the past.
A couple of weeks ago I went out with my friends and stayed out a lot later than normal, ended up back at my mate's house with her and her fiancé eating pizza. A couple of the girls had gone a bit earlier, and in hindsight I should have gone with them and shared the cost of the cab etc, but I wanted a pizza! He had the hump about it and seemed to think I had stayed out on my own with a bunch of randoms. He just decided this from what I'd said about the fiancé turning up and the other girls going early.
We had a bit of an argument about it but it blew over.
The following week I had a bad one. I tested BFN, had some blood results which didn't tell me anything, I was in a bad place. Had a work night out and again, got drunk and stayed out late. This time I actually was with a bunch of random people (I was just letting off steam and enjoying myself) and to avoid an argument I lied to DH and said I was with some other people too, who weren't there. I don't know why, I just didn't want a row. Needless to say, he found out and went mad, wondering why I'd lied. I am so ashamed of this and I apologised for 3 days. We made up eventually, he's been a bit off since, understandably. But I've just got lower and lower as the week's gone on...
I go to counselling for various reasons and last night just told her everything, realised I'm angry with him for loads of reasons, being so bloody positive about TTC (just relax, it will happen, you're putting too much pressure on it etc) and my resentment that he already has kids while we're struggling to conceive. I'm hurt by the lack of affection from him in our relationship I feel like a glorified housemaid half the time. I feel like he doesn't appreciate me - not the things I do for him/us - but me.
I sat him down to tell him everything last night. I was hoping he would understand and tell me he would be more attentive etc. But its backfired and now he thinks I'm laying foundations to leave him! I told him I was getting to the point where I didn't even want to TTC anymore because its too bloody painful, but he has decided I just don't want a baby with him?! That's the one thing I REALLY want.
I've spent all day emailing / texting him (we're both at work) trying to make him see that the only reason I've told him this stuff is to attempt to salvage things between us before one of us goes off the deep end and its too late. But he just thinks I'm completely unhappy in the marriage and want out. I've said that I'm sorry he is hurt by my words, but I needed to tell him.
I don't know what to do now. I've told him I want to work at it, I've said what I will do (no more taking for granted, using him as an emotional punch bag) and I've also said what he can do to help fix things (more affection etc). But I don't seem to be getting anywhere and I wonder if I've made too big a deal of it.
Have I done the wrong thing by telling him how I feel? Should I have kept it quiet? Are we going to be ok?! We've never been in this situation before, I don't know what to do. How do I get him to see?
I don't see how keeping quiet about such a big build-up of feeling would have gone any better ultimately. Assuming you are being truthful about the depth and extent of your apologies to him, I have three thoughts.
1. You sound very articulate, but even so it is awful trying to discuss serious emotional issues remotely and while you're both in work. It's possible if you can sit down properly together tonight he'll be more receptive to your reassurance.
2. Is there any chance that he's the one trying to end it, insisting you're dumping him even when you tell him in words of one syllable that you're not?
3. Do you know what his parents' relationship was like, and what his previous marriage was like? Granted, you are having a rough time, but he's reaching for the nuclear button very quickly and perhaps this is something he has seen modelled before (doesn't excuse it obviously, it's a bit childish and unconstructive).
We tried the talking thing last night and it ended up with him deciding I was leaving and me shutting off. I find it easier to write it down and deal with it that way, black and white etc. I do agree we need to discuss it further, I hope to carry it on and hopefully get back on track this evening.
I hope to god not because if that's the case then there's no point trying. But I don't want to say that too him, he will see it as me turning it around.
His parents are still together, lovely family, very loving etc. His ex (not married) and he had an awful, volatile relationship. I worry he is withdrawing from me to protect himself but therefore shutting me out and by not allowing himself to be vulnerable comes across cold.
I think you should always be able to tell your partner your problems. If a relationship can't survive honest communication then it wasn't very strong in the first place.
However, I do think that texting and emailing while at work isn't the best way to have a discussion, even if it's a follow on from a face to face conversation.
Sit down with him, lay all your cards on the table and get him to tell you how he is feeling. Let him know that you want to find a way forward in this together, and ask him what he feels needs to be done to ensure this.
I don't understand his reaction at all, you clearly have problems between you, he doesn't seem to trust you for a start and you tell white lies, is it really a good time to be planning a baby, it sounds like you have issues that could end up splitting you up.
No you are not wrong for asking for attention, wanting to improve relations with him, his reaction seems to be to punish you for that, all very strange.
You feel like a glorified housewife and unappreciated, believe it or not but you are valid in expressing how you feel and are entitled to expect your partner to listen and at least attempt to rectify what is wrong.
If my gf lied about where she ended up on a drunk night out I'd be worried.
I will be sitting with him tonight to attempt to rectify this. The lie was a one off, I've never lied before and don't plan to do it again. My counsellor thinks I was trying to detach myself from the situation I seem to have found myself in - 18 months TTC, 2 losses etc, hence behaving in a completely uncharacteristic way.
I agree I should be able to air my feelings, and I wanted him to understand and say he would fix it, but he seems to be focussing on things I haven't actually said. I didn't say I wanted to leave - I actually said I wanted to talk about these issues before it got too late. I didn't say I didn't want a baby with him, I said I was finding it hard carrying on TTC with no luck.
I've suggested a break from TTC. As much as it kills me, I want our marriage to be rock solid again first. Surely he will see how serious I am now?
aw11 I agree and I was so angry with myself. I take full responsibility for that and have told him I will prove he can trust me 100%.
All this stuff has happened within the last 3 weeks and its making everything worse - its snowballed.
SeaSalt - Well then you'll just have to prove it for a bit I guess. Don't let him tell you what to do though. As for the baby making, sounds like it's stressing you both out and I agree, it's a good idea to leave it for a bit and he sould respect your views on that.
Don't be too hard on yourself OP, you've had a lot to cope with and he should understand that, staying late at a friends house eating pizza and saying folk were there when they weren't is not the crime of the century especially when he doesn't seem to listen or believe what you tell him in the first place. Is he actually giving you any support throughout this process?
I reckon a really good talk where you both really listen will sort this out, it's just got snowballed but is definitely fixable.
Thanks. I am hoping we can make some headway this evening. I love him so much. I don't want us to end up resenting each other.
He was under the impression everything was fine, yet he thinks I've changed - so how is everything fine?
I just wish I could change the past 3 weeks but I cant, but we can change the future.
aw11 I wouldn't let him tell me what to do. I have a work night out next week and I know he expects the same thing to happen but it won't - hopefully that will make a start on proving things and rebuilding the trust.
Once again I'm reading a thread where if the genders were reversed I feel I'd be reading very different responses.
I hope you can get this sorted out. x
I think that the key thing is that you know how you feel and what you want. You just need to find a way to articulate this to him in a way he can deal with and that doesn't leave you feeling frustrated and prompts the out of character behaviour. I know it's easier said than done but I hope you can be strong together and get through this.
OP you said you lied to him to avoid a row. Why did you think you having a night out would lead to a row? That for me is the crux of the situation here. You felt like you couldn't tell the truth and so the problems have grown worse by you lying (BTW it was only a small one and not the crime of the century as a PP has said) but WHAT was it you were hoping to avoid?
Guilt-tripping you about spending time with friends. Claiming like you wouldn't let him tell you what to do but then lying to avoid a row. Spending three days apologising only for him to still be 'a bit off' afterwards.
Reacting to you expressing your feelings by demanding reassurance, resulting in you feeling you need to suck up to him because you've done something 'wrong'. So now you've been cast as the bad guy, as it were.
RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE.
OP, this is NOT NORMAL whatever strain you are under. Even if you have screwed up massively (and frankly I don't think you have) his behaviour is wrong - he has successfully manipulated you into feeling and acting like you are some kind of beaten dog.
And you want to have kids with him? Do you think they'll end up apologising for days on end too? Notice how, instead of caring that you are upset, he gas manipulated you into insisting you're happy with him.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.