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This is an emotional affair, right?

(245 Posts)
onemorestep123 Tue 18-Feb-14 15:39:29

I suspect my partner of 3 years of having an emotional affair with a work colleague. For the past few months they have been sending each other facebook messages on a daily basis...I questioned him about it a couple of weeks back and he accused me of being insecure and jealous. We argued, he said I was trying to control him and I said that it made me feel insecure, but wanted assurances that they were just friends, he stonewalled me, would not say anything. We had a break for a couple of days then he contacted me saying he was sorry, that I was right he was speaking to her too much on fb, it was every day sometimes for hours at a time, and that the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me, he promised to cut down contact. Fast forward two weeks, he is still talking to her on fb (she is still at the top of his contact list) and spent the day with her on Sunday, it was supposed to be a work outing, but they went together and met up with the others for lunch, the rest of the time, about 8 hours they were alone together. When I ask him about this, he again accused me of being insecure and jealous...rolling of the eyes and 'here we go again...' type of thing and 'why are you trying to make me feel bad about spending time with a friend?'.

This morning I accessed his fb account, it is open on my laptop, I have resisted looking until today, knew it wouldn't be anything good and wanted to trust him. Lots of messages with her saying Sunday was one of the best days of her life, spending it with him. They talk about what everyone at work is saying about them spending time together, they think they are not doing anything wrong. She asks him if I gave him a hard time for spending the day with her, he says no more than usual. She then says she dreamt about kissing him and it was lovely, he says he has dreamt about hugging her and it's amazing. They give each other lots of complements 'you are so kind and lovely', 'you are so mysterious''s at the edge of what I would consider an emotional affair. Tonight I am going to speak with him, knowing that he will probably continue to deny anything wrong and accuse me of being paranoid. Is there any possibility that I am wrong here?...He has always been a great boyfriend, attentive, kind and caring, we seemed to be really happy, but focussing his attention on another woman is not on. Tips on how to stay strong when I talk to him? I can't see any way forward for us and want to tackle the issue in an assertive and confident manner, not fall to pieces crying & becoming an emotional wreck. He's texted me and messaged me a couple of times today and I have just ignored him. Sorry for long waffle...thank you.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 18-Feb-14 15:45:30

Well that would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid.
Yes it's an EA.
I am really good friends with a guy I used to work with.
We meet up for lunch and he's a nice guy. But we are in no way sexually attracted to each other and we certainly would not be sending messages like that to each other.
We are friends and that's it.
No talk of kissing or cuddling or any of that.
This is overstepping the mark / crossing a boundary!
He said he would stop.
He hasn't and in fact has stepped things up.
I wouldn't even have a conversation.
Pack his stuff up - put it outside and tell him to collect it on his way home tonight.
Well.... that's what I would do anyway!

Leviticus Tue 18-Feb-14 15:45:45

Bloody hell! Dreaming about the loveliness of kissing and hugging each other is hardly just 'the edge' of an EA.

They are making a mug of you.

bearleftmonkeyright Tue 18-Feb-14 15:46:47

I could not put up with this. He is having an actual affair with her. Leave him, really he is a shit.

JohnFarleysRuskin Tue 18-Feb-14 15:48:01

I wouldn't bother trying to stay strong while talking to him. Just dump the two-timing fucker.

JonSnowKnowsNothing Tue 18-Feb-14 15:48:05

Absolute deal breaker for me.
Don't let him make you feel you're being pathetic, clingy, needy - it's not ok for a partner to be sending these kind of messages.
Like the PP said, I would pack his stuff up and finish it.

MadBusLady Tue 18-Feb-14 15:50:14

Sod EA, that's about to get physical.

He's taking the piss.

I would print out some screen shots with the worst bits highlighted and just quietly sit and give them to him and see what he says.

If he tries to bluster that that sort of talk is ok between "friends", I don't see where you go with that other than chuck-out.

mercibucket Tue 18-Feb-14 15:51:22

do you live together? do you have kids together?

i would just split up tbh if you don't have kids together. not worth the hassle of fighting for his attention. no big dramas no need to prove he is thinking of straying. just split up.

OCDdreamer Tue 18-Feb-14 15:52:16

Definitely an EA. I'd put money on it that they'll be taking things further VERY soon. If you think he's worth it, give him an ultimatum and let him grovel. A lot. If he's not, leave him. Good luck x

ageofgrandillusion Tue 18-Feb-14 15:55:31

Are you married? Kids? If not, seriously, why waste your time with this dicksplash. He's treating you like a muppet.

onemorestep123 Tue 18-Feb-14 15:57:08

Thank you all. I started to think it was all in my head. He manages to turn everything's all my fault and I am paranoid.

We don't live together, no dc, so it's simply really.

I will talk to him, but only to tell him what I know and that it's over, she can have him - she is married with 2 young children. I know her quite well, thought she was a friend until a few weeks ago. There you go.

Thank you everything, that's the kick up the butt I needed.

Jan45 Tue 18-Feb-14 15:57:12

I'm assuming you are in denial so that's why you're asking if this is bad, the answer is: YES, he's making a complete fool out of you and so is she. What a pair of complete scumbags, probably getting more a thrill cos they know they are hurting and deceiving people, nice.

Honestly, fuck the staying calm etc, just be ready to tell him to get as far away from you as humanly possible if you even think he's worthy of looking at. He clearly has no problem in telling you constant lies.

onemorestep123 Tue 18-Feb-14 15:57:34


Melonbreath Tue 18-Feb-14 15:57:43

Ea, but not for long. Telling each other that they want to hug and kiss then is just a ticking clock.

onemorestep123 Tue 18-Feb-14 16:14:11

MadBusLady If only I had thought to print out messages, he has deleted them.

No matter, you have all given me the feedback that I needed. Been a mug and muppet for far too bloody long.

mercibucket Tue 18-Feb-14 16:18:47

good luck

remember you dont need permission or proof of anything to split up

YouStayClassySanDiego Tue 18-Feb-14 16:19:11

Good on you OP, it must be awful to have discovered this.

Comfort yourself that you don't have the stress of having to kick his arse out of your house.

Stat strong, you're worth more than this twat.

onemorestep123 Tue 18-Feb-14 16:28:39

Thanks mercibucket

It's been ongoing YouStayClassySanDiego, feeling in my gut for weeks that this was more than just friends. Thank goodness we have no shared assets or dcs. I am thankful for that. Twat, yes!

AmeliaAmelia Tue 18-Feb-14 16:29:54

Leave him. Simple

Snugglepiggy Tue 18-Feb-14 16:38:54

Poor you.You deserve respect,honesty and loyalty and you have been getting none of those.And neither is the husband with two small children,My heart goes out to him.This is most certainly an affair.
My DH let himself develop a friendship through work with an OW that progressed from daily chats to sexually suggestive texts that were discoverd by her DH before it became physical.But I have no doubt that's where it was heading.We did stay together and recover ,but only because once confronted and out in the open my DH had a massive wake up to how stupid and selfish he had been.I did not stay calm when I found out.And he got an immediate ultimatum.End all contact ,prove to me it's worth staying together and even trying to trust you again and don't expect me to feel the same about us for a long time - if ever.Sadly from his previous behaviour when you have told him how uncomfortable this makes you feel that's not going to happen here.And you deserve much more.

ThinkFirst Tue 18-Feb-14 16:39:37

Don't give him the opportunity to even try and accuse you of being insecure, jealous and paranoid. Can you meet him somewhere other than at home? Just tell him you know what's been going on, you don't want a discussion about it, and it's over. If he has any belongings at yours tell him you'll bag it up and leave it on the doorstep at a certain time and it's up to him to come and collect it or it will go in the bin.

If you need to stay strong just remember their chats about kissing and hugging and the fact that he spent 8 hours alone with her at the weekend.

YouseewhathappensLarry Tue 18-Feb-14 16:40:20

And I'd let her husband know what's about to go on.

Jan45 Tue 18-Feb-14 16:42:02

But why meet him at all?

captainmummy Tue 18-Feb-14 16:48:33

No, don't ' let the husband know' , that's just petty and spiteful. They may not have done anything (yet) but you don't need proof or anything to end it. He is an idiot. He wants to have her, and you in the background for safety.

RedFocus Tue 18-Feb-14 16:49:02

I would send a text saying "welcome to dumpsville...population, YOU!" But then I am rather childish when it comes to breaking up with someone grin

Gutted for you though op. Hope he has the decency to leave you alone to get on with your (new & improved) life.

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