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Am I right to be concerned for my DSIS?

(15 Posts)
IRCL Tue 18-Feb-14 08:13:36

Bare with me, don't know all of the details...

My sister's partner has a bad temper, frequently rants and raves about small things.

My older sister who lives with them told me that the other day they had a massive row over nothing really, it escalated..anyway in temper my sister sort of flicked her hand on the dressing table and knocked over some of his aftershave. I don't think it was intentional more frustration. Anyway he then proceeded to get her perfume and smash them one by one on the floor.

Another incident only happened yesterday, they were arguing again not quite sure what about but he smashed and broke the TV in the bedroom. He doesn't really help with my nephew and will rarely watch him so my sister can go out, just the other day my sister had to go out and my nephew was asleep in his cot and he still made her wake him up and take him out because he had stuff to do apparently.hmm

AIBU to be concerned about my sister in this?

YouStayClassySanDiego Tue 18-Feb-14 08:16:31

Yes of course you should be concerned.

Has she talked about wanting to separate from him?

IRCL Tue 18-Feb-14 08:22:25

Not that I'm aware of. I think the only thing she has said that if he did leave then she wouldn't be worried about not coping as she does it all on her own anyway!

TinselTownley Tue 18-Feb-14 08:22:40

Yes. Very. And for your nephew. His violence is escalating and he is a dangerous man.

If he had any decency he would take himself away for a while and sort himself out. That's unlikely to happen and - were it my sister - I would be telling her in no uncertain terms what a vile bully he is and urging her to get well rid.

In reality, I know the situation will be far more complex for her but that's why we all need plain speaking friends and family sometimes.

pinkfluffypoodleface Tue 18-Feb-14 08:23:20

Yes you are.

Talk to her & make sure she knows that she will have your support if she leaves. Look into housing & benefits for her so she knows it won't be a case of living on the streets with nothing if she does leave. Many many women are frightened to leave their partner due to the fear they won't be able to manage on their own financially. She needs a bank account in her name only as well.

You can't make her leave him, that has to be her decision but you can make it as easy as you can & you can help her understand its OK to leave.

Is there any hint at all of physical violence to either her or the nephew which she is not telling you about?

IRCL Tue 18-Feb-14 08:29:13

thanks for the advice, she knows I will always be there for her, we are quite close and speak very regularly.

I may be seeing her today so will talk to her about stuff, if I don't see her today it will be Thursday.

I don't think there's been any violence to her or my dn, luckily my other sister takes my dn out in the garden to try and get him away from the arguing.

Lweji Tue 18-Feb-14 08:34:07

He destroyed her property systematically.
That is dv and one step away from actually physically harming her. I suspect what's holding him is your other sister. sad

IRCL Tue 18-Feb-14 08:40:56

exactly, I just want her and my nephew to live a nice quiet life not one filled with such hostility.

she did tell me they were bickering but to me this is a lot more than bickering, she said she thinks he's struggling with quitting smoking but it is just an excuse because she knows what we will say I think..

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Feb-14 08:49:55

Please understand that there has been violence towards her and your DN. Destruction is a violent act and destroying personal possessions is a personally violent act. The message is that it's perfume bottles today... could be you tomorrow.

Please give her the number of Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and also advise her to keep the police 101 number handy.

IRCL Tue 18-Feb-14 08:53:56

Thanks ergo, I meant I don't think he has physically harmed them, I know what he's doing is a violent act and I am scared it will escalate eventually.

my mum is also going to have a chat with her and try and talk to her. she definitely isn't alone.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Feb-14 09:02:16

With respect, I don't think persuasion is going to convince your sister. Victims of DV are frightened of their abuser but can be even more frightened of the alternatives. In truth, it's probably going to take your elder sister (or you or your mum) calling the police and having him forcibly removed to get any progress.

Lweji Tue 18-Feb-14 11:15:12

She is lucky because she has her sister living there. She can report what she has witnessed to the police.

It may still be very difficult, but the married sister could obtain an order to get him away from her and the house.

I suspect it will take a long time for her to want out, so just be there for her regardless.

ThinkFirst Tue 18-Feb-14 11:20:35

Are they married and who owns the house?

Could you and your older sister sit down and talk to her together? As your older sister has witnessed what has been going on she will be much less able to minimise what has been going on.

IRCL Tue 18-Feb-14 11:50:53

They aren't married and the house is rented, both names on tenancy as far as I'm aware.

IRCL Tue 18-Feb-14 11:51:27

Think - we could do that, I think she wi'll dismiss it but couldn't hurt!

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