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how to mend the unmendable?

(9 Posts)
waitingforthenight Mon 17-Feb-14 22:32:41

Firstly it has been along time since I was last here. For months I have felt lost and focused on the positives but I have to face the fact that I feel I cannot save my marriage or my H. I have thought he has depression for a long time and finally got him to go to the doctors last year, who said yes he probably had depression but to 'work it out himself'. I have tried to get him to go to another doctor but he refuses, suggested counselling, again no or even relate, no. A few months ago it all came to a head, he has a LOT of unresolved issues but is such a good, thoughtful person but I called him out and this sent him initially into a spin of 'I am useless nobody needs me I may as well not be here' He is a good person but I deal with everything and get no support or acknowledgement, he is verbally dismissive and generally blumming hard work. I know if it is depression this is part of it but living with it day to day with no end in sight (if he will not seek help) with two small children is hard work. Pse help

LondonForTheWeekend Mon 17-Feb-14 23:01:18

Well thee are only three choices a) You accept this is it, this is all he can do/offer/be and just accept or b) you change him except you can't or c) you leave... Which might be the thing that makes it easier for him to choose treating the depression rather than living as at present except without you plus kids.

I know I'll get flamed for this, but there comes a point where people have to take responsibility for their own health, and for the choices they make/don't make about it.

MorrisZapp Mon 17-Feb-14 23:06:34

Nobody will flame anybody for saying that fundamentally, people have to either help themselves or be amenable to letting others help them. I've had MH issues and it was hell for my DP, but I sought help, took the tablets etc and of course received a lot of support from DP and my family.

You can't fix another person. I'm so sorry it has come to this, but the stark choices mentioned above are really all you have. Do you have supportive family or friends?

Lozislovely Mon 17-Feb-14 23:44:31

London and Morris are right - the individual does have to take responsibility for their own actions.

I speak from experience. I was your H. For the last 10 years I've suffered with mental health issues. I've realised that I was constantly running away from me, because I didn't like me.

I've been on multiple AD's, had therapy and always looked for a reason.

I realise now that the reason is my self esteem. I was caught in a cycle is blaming myself, blaming DH, blaming anyone rather than looking at myself.

My 20 year marriage ended last year because of it. Of course I blamed XH for all of this when in truth it was me.

I've recently got back in contact with DH to try to explain myself. I don't want pity, I just want to be honest.

Depression is awful and I wish that I'd had the strength to find the right help years ago and deal without on and living, rather than looking for reasons as to why I was the way I was. There is no sense in attempting to try and find a reason as it is turn gives the depressed person a focus to put their depression on and blame it.

Accept, deal and move on. It's ok to have memories, good and bad, it's how you deal with them that determines how you feel about yourself.

waitingforthenight Tue 18-Feb-14 00:14:40

thanks so much ladies for your replies. I am already seeing the kids behaving differently and this worries me when i get 'things are better when daddy is at work'. In a way without 'understanding' his current state to leave would be easy...but without me and 'if and they go...what is the point' I may loose him. I could cope they could not, oh bloody hell

Lozislovely Tue 18-Feb-14 00:19:20

They would cope, because they have you grin

You can't fix DH, only he can do this. I realised this when it was too late, am sad, but life goes on.

You deserve happiness. Yes your children will hurt for a while as will you, but we only get one life.

waitingforthenight Tue 18-Feb-14 00:22:04

P.S. Sorry Loz you were so lovely and honest it made me well up. i really hope you are ok girl. depression is shit is had many years ago, so all i wanted was to try! and make him see xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

waitingforthenight Tue 18-Feb-14 00:30:06

Loz - it is that rabbit in headlight moment - if we move on then he can recover and so can we ..just all the messy divorce and home stuff. ok so next question how do you phrase this to an seriously depressed person?

Lozislovely Tue 18-Feb-14 00:52:17

Ah, the million dollar question! I went through 10 years of running away from me, but found blame in everything around me, including my DH.

I only realised once it was too late, me and DH split last year. I spent too much time in the woe is me phase and only realising recently, to find xDH had moved on.

I'd suggest showing him this thread. He may well dismiss all of it, but I don't think there's a lot you can do. He does truly have to fix himself.

Here's a story that might help. 10 years ago xDH, myself and 2 DS moved 120 miles up the country from London. We did this for the sake of our children. They have thrived beyond my wildest dreams, for which I am incredibly proud.

Me, I 'lost' my identity. I had no friends, no job, no life. My depression manifested itself through anxiety, I couldn't stand in the school playground anymore, I couldn't stand the thought of anyone talking to me.

I went to the doctors, got told it was a blip and was prescribed beta blockers to slow my heart rate.

I got a job, struggled through, all the the while trying my best to hold it together. I had moved and done the best thing for my boys, what did I have to worry about!

Fast forward 10 years, 5 house moves, multiple AD's, many arguments with xDH, arguments with myself, living in denial.

Today, I am a single mum living in rented accommodation. Eldest DS has self esteem issues, youngest DS doesn't want to talk about 'stuff'.

My XH has moved on. I am happy for him. I am not happy with what I let myself become, though in a better place recently, thanks to a good GP, but I can't undo all that happened and that will live with me forever.

I feel and share your pain x

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