How do I made friend realise there's no future to be had

[Tinker2013]

Hi

Please help me help my friend - I'm all out of suggestions on what to say or do.

My friend started seeing a old flame in March last year, he is in the army so only went on a few dates up until May but constantly texting each other.

Then when she started to get serious, asked about being in a relationship. He went cold started to ignore her texts / calls.
When he did reply she'd get yes or no answers and eventual told her he didn't want a relationship.
She still pursued the relationship texting him/ calling him, even though me and my friend kept telling her he's not interested, she deserves better etc etc.
If we said anything about him - an excuse was made as to why he was ignoring her.

Before Christmas he told her not to contact him and it seemed she was finally moving on, she even had a date with someone else but after a couple of dates, she stopped it saying she "felt guilty as if she was cheating" and she was going to wait for x to change his mind and will wait as long as it takes.

She still constantly textes and calls him, occasionally he'll answer but not much - she was devasted that he hadn't sent a valentines day card.

I don't know what to say to her anymore, she's a grown woman. I've been there when she been crying(many times) taken her out to take her mind of things, booked a holiday, told her she needs to shake out of it but it's like she obsessed and/or addicted. I asked her to go to the doctors but she won't. It's not normal she actually only went on a few dates (previously there did have a relationship) but she's crying constantly - lost a lot of weight.

Me and my friend are completely stuck on what to do next, we will always be there for her.

[akawisey]

There isn't much you can do over what you've already tried and suggested. She'll get over it in time and she's lucky to have you and your friend to listen to her. I'd try just repeating the same advice to her even if it feels unkind (which it isn't btw).

[pinkfluffypoodleface]

It sounds as if your friend has more going on than an obsession with a man. Does she have a history of depression or mental health issues? With this level of fixation she could probably use some professional intervention.

Surely what she is doing is harassment & the man involved can seek legal ways to stop it but I wonder why he hasn't changed his phone number if the calls & texts are bothering him...

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I also think that she could be depressed/fixated and probably needs to see a GP. Crying constantly two months after being dumped by someone they barely knew is not normal

[Tinker2013]

Thank you for your replies, I know of no past history of mental health issues but have to admit it's what I have been thinking and that's why I have asked her to go to doctors

[LondonNicki]

I agree with the others that she has other things going on in her head and is fixating on this man because she is probably depressed (the weight loss).. So that's what she needs to address first.

A course of therapy and maybe anti depressants would be best for her but maybe just the therapy without medication first so she can work through her issues without the 'fog' of pills.

Once she's sorted out her head I suspect her obsession with this man will dissolve.

You are a good friend, she's luck to have you.

[MeMySonAndI]

Why would he had to change his phone number? People keep phone numbers for years and won't change them even if there is a stalker in the vicinity.

I don't think you can do much about it, as the more that you tell her that she shouldn't, the more reasons and obstinate she would be to continue.

It is a sad business as you are seeing things clearly And she doesn't, but someway or another she will eventually realise.

Having said that, don't hold your breath... I know a woman who has been obsessing with a guy who dated her three times and rings her about twice a year, she is in a total delusion that they have something very special and that eventually, when the conditions are right they will be living together even when she hasn't see him in person in 3 years....

[Tenalady]

Hopefully the penny will drop, but you know what they say, nothing like a new love to get over the last one

[SolidGoldBrass]

Do you know the man? Well enough to advise him to send her a formal letter ordering her to leave him alone or he will take legal action? Sometimes it's the best thing to do for an obsessed person: get them an official smackdown.

[kentishgirl]

I think you need to sit her down and tell her bluntly that she has turned into a stalker, and is harrassing this man, and could get in trouble with the police soon if she continues it.

Alternatively, you could try spinning her a bit of a story on the same lines but with the sexes reversed. So, tell her about 'a friend' who is being stalked by a man she saw a few times, that she's told him to leave her alone but he ignores it and harrasses her, that he continually texts her, and she is scared and doesn't know how to get this man to finally accept there is nothing between them. should she go to the police?

Hopefully she'll be up in arms about this poor 'friend' of yours - and then you can point out that actually the 'friend' is him, and the stalker is her. Might make it sink in?

[HelloBoys]

I've sort of been this but after the end of a long and complex relationship where he threatened to harass, stalk me and actually did do the nuisance calls.

so I did the same back. but this was AFTER he told me he'd cheated on me.

My confidence was at an all time low. Therapy/counselling helped me as did prozac. in this case it sounds what she needs here, to change her mindset re this man and for an outsider to get HER to see that she does NOT belong in this relationship!

[HelloBoys]

Also in reply to MeMySon sometimes if you're obsessive it can be hard to change the record and it can be hard to get someone to eventually realise.

what OP's friend is doing now is convincing she's doing the RIGHT thing, it WILL get her her man back etc.

it can be very hard to change your mindset over that without help ime.

[MeMySonAndI]

... And, from I can see, even with help...

I stopped trying to help my friend see the reality, she didn't believe me, she was getting angrier with me, and in trying to convince me that she was right she was getting more determined in keeping the guy in her life.

[Lavenderhoney]

I had a friend like this. I didn't understand their love, apparently, and it was just him struggling with true love.

Had to give up after 2 years of listening to the romance of doom that was in her head and let the friendship go.

She preferred the unrequited love to a real relationship. He was just unlucky she picked him- mr unavailable.