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Rebuilding trust. What are the practical steps?

(7 Posts)
Fourandcounting Mon 17-Feb-14 19:18:37

If your dh had let you down regarding being honest which had created trust issues. How does he go about rebuilding trust in the relationship and how do you begin to trust him again?
Not an affair or something where there is no going back but more the lies were worse than the act. I want to rebuild the trust but it is difficult. Dh wants to be honest and open and for me to trust him. But realistically what are the practical steps?

TinselTownley Mon 17-Feb-14 19:28:07

I don't think it's achievable without outside help. I imagine the first thing that needs to happen is for him to explore his reasons for dishonesty and take steps towards ensuring it doesn't happen again.

It's all very well him wanting you to trust him but his dishonesty is not your responsibility.

Couples counselling might work after he's addressed his behaviour.

Don't accept a situation where his insistence you trust him leads to you saying you do when you don't truly feel it. That's a really bad feeling.

akawisey Mon 17-Feb-14 22:04:06

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/drip-feeding-when-you-get-the-truth-or-lies-in-installments/#more-12875

I believe this may help OP.

tessa6 Mon 17-Feb-14 22:07:35

There is a book called 'I love you but I don't trust you' by Mira Kirshenbaum and this has all the practical steps in it. It sounds like the most important thing is discovering why your OP feels the need to lie and get to the bottom of this, probably in counseling.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Feb-14 08:39:54

Rebuilding trust involves consistency in behaviour and openness. However, what you both have to appreciate is that what happened can't be undone. You will experience suspicion and doubt for a long, long time, there is no set period for trust to be restored, indeed it may never be fully restored, and he has to properly understand & deal with that. Some, you see, get annoyed if the person they have let down doesn't 'get over it' quickly enough. They say and do the right things for a while but then start to resent what they see as a restriction.

So consistency in behaviour, full openness, it takes as long as it takes and, even then, it will not erase the past.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 18-Feb-14 08:48:45

Trust issues may stem from baggage DH brought to the relationship. Maybe he needs help learning how a healthy relationship works and breaking old patterns.

With counselling you have a safe place to go, once a week, (with privacy from DCs if you have any), to work out issues. Not every counsellor is good, but you and DH can try constructive exercises, practise, get support and encouragement from your counsellor.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Feb-14 08:51:20

I wonder what he was dishonest about. Money?

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