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Caught him texting 2 women from his work

(27 Posts)
creativeme Mon 17-Feb-14 15:18:42

Hi, I have never posted anything like this before and I felt many of you could help and maybe give me some insight.

My partner and I have been seeing one another for about 1 year and a few months. He is on his last year of being trained as a GP and finishes around 2015 or thereabouts. We are both in our late 30's.

I have had long term relationships and longest being 7 years, his 4 but due to his many years training as a doc, he hasnt really secured himself any home, relationship, and been in and out of his parents, rental with friends etc. I have my own place.

He moved into mine quite early on, more so because he couldnt really live with his family anymore, but after so many months, we argued, but we still tried to resolve things. We truly were in love, things were strong and we planned on buying together eventually.

He worked long hours, I work for myself at home and see clients so we both had busy lives. We didnt see many of our friends, more so he didnt and I was never introduced to them either, but his work took over his social life as well as seeing me weekends/nights etc.

He also had a history of depression, (obsessive thoughts) due to brother commiting suicide 20 years ago, dad suffered the same and he had to be on medication for it otherwise his thoughts would spiral and become very disruptive and draining with me, over analysing, paranoid, but I always reassured him and calmed him down...he would always apologise afterwards and say he was was a times quite draining.

He was also due an operation in March 2014 as he has stomach issues, diverticulitis and its something that due to stress/past has caused alot of problems for him too.

So its not been easy for him and his life has been somewhat like a rollercoaster. I felt I was the comfort blanket, however in Oct 2013, we broke up, it was getting tiring and we needed time out but realised we still loved one another and got back before christmas.

He told me he took some drugs while out with the boys, (MDMA) when we first got back together before Christmas, which I was shocked about as this was something he did in his 20's during his wild years of getting over his brother and thought this was in the past, clearly not, even though he says it was only once and wont do it again? I didnt know what to say. He is a doctor and 37, thats all I could think about....

He has now rented his own pad not so far away and I was expected to move in with him in a few months time as a trial,as my flat was on the market as it had to sell and I wanted to move anyway with or without him.

We started to argue more, once/twice a week, and I felt unloved and very much like I wasnt getting anything from him, like he used me just to stay at mine to relax, he has a temper and also at times I felt rejected as our physical side had gone too and for me we never had that issue before, he kept on saying he was sorry, stressed, thinking of operation and was always in bed for 9pm, up at 6am. Even whilst staying at mine, like he wanted to go to bed alone, alongside no physical. When I tried to bring it up, he would get aggressive and blamed the whole time of the month thing.....

He was always very responsive during the day with texts, he always called me, text me, and asked how my day was, but when I tried to get close to him, something felt different. I decided to go away with friends skiing for a weekend, weirdly before I went, he was very sweet, cleaning up the house, saying he would miss me and was back to his nice self...

WHen he was in the shower a few days back, just after valentines day I went into his phone, (I just had a feeling I had to) guessed at his password and saw texts to two women, when they asked about him moving into his flat he mentioned nothing about myself and moving in on his own, there were other things asking where they were, what they were up to, on that one night he didnt hear from me as I was working..... then I saw a text to his family saying he hasnt smoked in7 weeks.....I didnt realise he smoked?

When confronted, I was called every name under the sun, from w*ore, to c*nt, to cheap, (he use to be suspicious of me cheating, now I can see why)....he called me manipulative, he called me all sorts. I have never encountered anything like my life!

The worst is my dad is in hospital this week and has told me to leave him, I cant be doing with this while dad needs us.....this guy is still texting me daily, calling up to 10 times a day and wont give up saying he wasnt unfaithful and wasnt going to be and that he didnt do anything wrong. I think its more the name calling and immaturity that did it for me just as much as well as the drugs that one night. What worries me is him in his flat on his own now means mates over, parties and not to be trusted.....

Sorry its so long, I havent told anyone else about this and feel quite alone today...thank you for taking the time to read this...I hope I can start moving on in my life, I have booked some weekends away, new social groups too...!!

I need to get my life back...
thank you

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 17-Feb-14 15:23:15

Did the texts actually say anything flirty/bad - it just sounds like him chatting to mates tbh?? Are you missing details out?

Either way the way he spoke to you and the drugs (especially if he is a trainee GP) is more worrying that him texting people asking them what they're up yo.

Sounds like your dad is looking out for you... hope he gets better soon. Maybe concentrate on your dad and worry about BF later... x

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Feb-14 15:28:48

I think you should listen to your Dad. You don't seem to know this man very well at all and he sounds pretty aggressive.

creativeme Mon 17-Feb-14 15:29:00

thank you, I was just thinking the same about the drugs yes, he says its just the once but I cant help but think this man will do it again this year, its his bullying and aggressive behaviour vs the drugs and addictive qualities I am more scared about at the moment..../I just never know what he is going to do next....
thank you xx

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 17-Feb-14 15:29:49

What do you get from this relationship now?.

It has not sounded at all good from the beginning to be honest with you and I would call time on this now before you get further hurt. He is not being fully honest with you and he also comes with a whole host of issues pertaining to his family (I note too that he moved in with you early; that's a red flag right there) and general health too. Honestly you do not need such a man with a room full of baggage. He is not and never has been decent relationship material.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 17-Feb-14 15:32:55

You're not happy and that's enough reason in itself to end it.

His temper also is enough to give this man the boot as of now. He is not going to change. You are seeing him and the real him is certainly one messed up individual. You cannot rescue and or save someone like this, if you have rescuer and or saving tendencies when it comes to men then this needs to be examined in far more depth.

honeybunny14 Mon 17-Feb-14 15:34:57

The texts dont sound bad looking through someones phone is never a good idea i would be furious if my dp did. But what he called you is out of order.

NotNewButNameChanged Mon 17-Feb-14 15:34:59

OP, you said this: "we broke up, it was getting tiring and we needed time out but realised we still loved one another and got back before Christmas."

Love actually isn't enough for a genuine, sensible fair relationship that brings happiness into your life. It's about openness, honesty, trust, respect. I don't see much the those four things in what you have told us. And love can blind us into not seeing the wood for the trees.

I think the texting is the least of the problems and red flags here. Sorry, but this chap is very, very bad for you.

Finola1step Mon 17-Feb-14 15:35:25

Do not move in with this man. You have invested far too much already and he has thrown it back in your face.

Red flags are waving. Run.

DrNick Mon 17-Feb-14 15:36:31


TheDoctorsNewKidneys Mon 17-Feb-14 15:38:58

The texts are neither here nor there.

He has a vile temper, he does drugs (I would bet he's done more than what he's admitted to you) and he is obviously quite an erratic individual. But, more importantly, you're not happy. That's a good enough reason to leave. It doesn't matter what other people think smile

dreamingbohemian Mon 17-Feb-14 15:41:51

I'm not sure what the dilemma is. He sounds like a total nightmare, obviously you should bin him. You're not getting anything out of this relationship are you? You don't have kids or property together so what's stopping you.

knickernicker Mon 17-Feb-14 15:43:16

Get rid. Do so how while you have no commitments to deal with

creativeme Mon 17-Feb-14 16:00:40

thank you for your replies, I have definitely decided to leave him for good, at least I didnt buy with him, that would have been the final straw or a regret and lost money. He doesnt seem to think he has done anything wrong with what he said to me, nor does he think he is a bad person or a druggie even though, his words it was only that once, he shouldnt have told me then, it was if he was gloating about it, as he had a smirk on his face when telling me re the drugs before christmas....very strange.

I do need to work on my self confidence/self esteem and not to rescue people but to look after myself, that could be what I need to do in order to feel like I am in a better place myself. I am looking forward to it but on the other hand feel very lonely and rejected too, but I wont cave in.....fingers crossed...

I am not getting anything from it, thats exactly what I asked myself last week, how come he gets my flat, my nice side, all I get is his coldness and his dark side, even though he bought me a lovely gift valentines day it was like it meant nothing....something was missing...sad

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 17-Feb-14 16:11:06

"I do need to work on my self confidence/self esteem and not to rescue people but to look after myself"

Exactly, you need to love your own self for a change.

You were not put on this planet to rescue and or save others from their own selves; this man was bad news to begin with given his chaotic family background as well.

How do rescuers find healthy relationships from which they do not need rescuing?. By letting those people to whom they give know that they, the rescuers, also have needs. Healthy rescuers take the risk of letting friends, family, and loved ones know they want things. It would be worthwhile for rescuers to examine their discomfort in receiving, which is part of the reason why they choose to have relationships with takers.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 17-Feb-14 16:13:24

What worries me is him in his flat on his own now means mates over, parties and not to be trusted.....

Well you were hardly able to relax when with him, were you. Flashes of temper, loss of intimacy.

OP please think very carefully. It's not your job to fix him.

A GP faces demands on his or her emotional energy and time commitments at the expense of family and a balanced life. This bf is already dabbling in drugs and playing the field. If he does qualify he will be a ticking time bomb and you'll never trust him out of your sight.

Seeing someone who drags you down isn't filling a gap. Better to be lonely for a weekend or a fortnight than cling on to a fantasy. You're rejecting a hollow half life, when you should be exploring life and any relationship should bring out the best in you. Not being shouted at and feeling degraded and made to make bigger allowances for a self centred a-hole, trainee GP or whoever.


Jan45 Mon 17-Feb-14 16:17:45

I think he has mental health problems really, he seems incapable of having a loving trusting relationship, regardless of the texts, he doesn't seem able to give you even the basics.

creativeme Mon 17-Feb-14 16:26:17

AttilatheMeerkat wrote:
How do rescuers find healthy relationships from which they do not need rescuing?. By letting those people to whom they give know that they, the rescuers, also have needs. Healthy rescuers take the risk of letting friends, family, and loved ones know they want things. It would be worthwhile for rescuers to examine their discomfort in receiving, which is part of the reason why they choose to have relationships with takers.

I did tell him this, I have needs, can you do this, can you please do that, I need help around the house, to which he did, when he could and when he wasnt stressed/tired or dealing with his issues... I dont have any issues with receiving its more about my self esteem the more I was with him being put down.... than rescuing, as I dont rescue others it was just him. I have a lovely family upbringing and do ask them for help in many things as well as friends last relationships werent like this, so I wouldnt say I have chosen all my relationships to be like this, when I met him I was vulunerable, that I remember, I have never encountered anything remotely similar to this before.....however a lesson to learn, focus on myself that I I am! smile - I am learning!!

ThinkIMmad Mon 17-Feb-14 16:40:56

Hi, sorry this doesnt sound like a great relationsip at all. I think you should just cut your losses its not going to get any better. What gets me this is someone who is going to be a GP i wouldnt like him to be my gp, he may have his problems but its not your job to fix him and a man of his ability and education would know taking drugs is not the answer. Hes a grown man not a boy, i hate judging especially when ive been in a relationship where drugs are involved

Please listen to your dads words if not ours

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 17-Feb-14 19:54:53

What Cogito said. Your dad knows and has said for you to leave him. The fact that he's in hospital won't impact his recovery because he wants you to do this for you.

I think the texting is neither here nor there as it pales in comparison to the rest of your first post. Your partner doesn't seem to a partner at all. I'd tell him it's over, to stop contacting me and if necessary, would block his number and change my phone if that didn't work.

creativeme Mon 17-Feb-14 22:10:21

My dad is always looking out for me only for this guy to say, I am daddy's girl, which made me feel completely low and not the case, he is just a loving man who loves his daughter and isnt well and only wants the best for me in the coming years.

I have recently tonight received more texts and calls, he says he has issues and admitted to not handling stress, started smoking again when we split up the first time, hence my confused question about smoking and to top it all off he says he is back on anti depressants. He says once his op is over past May time this year, he wants to get his life back, can enjoy himself and be healthy again, that I will never know I just feel like I cant trust him ever again. He says this women called Kate is fat and ugly and would never be unfaithful to me, so why delete her number?? thats another story I guess.

I just feel like I am pulled in one direction, then made to feel its my fault then pulled in another direction and off it goes again.....i feel like I am not myself around him, nervous, low and always crying. He has begged me to call him, then when I say no he turns on me...then is nice again, then says he has issues, this is painful but I have to be strong. I appreciate all your support its really helping me....

HMQueen Mon 17-Feb-14 22:26:18

He is a complete tool. Block his number. He is risking his whole career with taking drugs - not that I am crazy anti-drugs it's just the way it is for medics. The GMC are not sympathetic to this at all. Move as you were planning and don't tell him where you are going. Forget him - it's a waste of time any more agonising.

BOFtastic Mon 17-Feb-14 22:28:42

Anybody that can call you a whore and a cunt because they are angry with you is a major waste of your love. You've made the right move.

fromparistoberlin Mon 17-Feb-14 22:31:17

red flags galore babes, sorry but read, listem, and think very hard

Hissy Mon 17-Feb-14 22:33:45

This guy called you what???

That, in itself, is game over.
All the rest is like a sledgehammer to crack a nut.

No need for him or any of this shit.

Look at your last paragraph and how you feel around him.

Listen to your heart love. Bin him and never look back!

You won't regret it!

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