Introducing new partner

[RollerCola]

I need a bit of advice about a new partner please. I met him 5 mths ago and we get on great. He seems to like me a lot and the feeling is mutual. We've taken it very very slowly so we're still at a fairly early stage, but we see each other once a week each weekend and usually do something fun. I love spending time with him.

The reason we're taking it slowly is because I only separated from my exh last July and I made it clear from the start that it was all very recent and I needed time to adjust. I'm wary that I've not really had any time completely on my own, but having spent the last 5 yrs in a very difficult marriage, it's lovely to spend time with someone who is kind, caring and very nice.

He seems to understand completely and has never put any pressure on me to 'move on'. He's perfectly happy to take things at my pace which suits me fine.

Anyway, the issue I have is my children. My dd is nearly 12 and ds 7. Dd in particular is close to her dad and both of them stay over at his once a week. Dd is very sensible and talks to me about a lot of things.

I'd like to introduce my new partner (not in person, but I'd like them to know he exists) but am wary about upsetting them. Is it ok to mention him just as a new friend for now?

He's only ever been to my house briefly when they weren't there, but I'd really like to see him a bit more which can only happen if and when I introduce him to the children. I don't think they're ready for that yet and I'm fine to keep it casual for a while longer, but I'd like to start 'sowing the seed' that he's in my life.

I really like him and I think this is the start of something serious, I just don't want to mess it up.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

We're all allowed friends. Children understand that - they have friends. Introduce him as a friend therefore rather than building him up as something very special and risking over-selling him or setting expectations too high. Introduce him in a setting with other people rather than one-on-one. Keep it casual when you're talking about him. Being a little older your DD might twig that he's a boyfriend but that's a bridge you cross when you come to it.

[RollerCola]

I think dd will probably twig straight away which is why I'm a bit wary. I need to make sure she knows that me and her dad will definitely never get back together. I'm not sure if she has a little bit of hope, maybe I should have that chat with her first.

And the other thing is, do I need to tell exh that I'm telling the children? I know many of you don't have good relationships with exs and will probably say it's none of his business but we've agreed to be as amicable as we can for the children's sakes so out of respect for that I think I should probably tell him and would hope that he does the same.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you and your DD have a good relationship then yes, be quite open about the state of your relationship with Dad. False hopes are vey upsetting for children and IME they appreciate honesty.

As for your exH does he really think you're not dating? Do you think he's not dating?

[RollerCola]

Oh exh knows I'm dating, I just wonder whether to let him know when I tell the kids. I probably won't to be honest, he's not particularly happy about it but that's another story.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think, again, it risks building up this particular boyfriend into a Big Deal if you formally advise your ex and formally tell the children etc. Tell him that the chap you're seeing will be joining you all at the as a courtesy but try to avoid any hint that you're asking his permission... you're not.

[RollerCola]

You're right, I'm building it up into something bigger than it needs to be. I'm going to mention that I've made some new friends (true) and that's he's one of them. Once I've told them he's a friend & we've been doing things together I'll think about inviting him out for tea with us or something.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think that sounds a very sensible approach :)