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Pointless post but a small personal triumph for me.

(17 Posts)
pausingforbreath Mon 17-Feb-14 11:33:44

I haven't posted about my situation in full here before. I did 'find' this section and have been an avid lurker. I have taken many posters advice ( thank you muchly) from others threads in similar ( same) situations.
I believe many of you have helped me (enormously) through a really crap, awful time without yourselves knowing it, so many thanks.

My 'story' in short. Nearly 2 years ago my husband came home from work and told me 'he didn't love me , we weren't working, we were both unhappy and we needed to split up'.
Yes, ( of course) there was an affair. With one of his close working colleagues at work. She had made it clear she would not be his mistress, she wanted full time; hence him telling me all.
After many turbulent, horrible ,painful weeks we decided to give us another go. I did state that I would prefer to be a lone parent than in a paranoid partnership looking over my shoulder for the rest of it.
Soon after she left the company,Ow & Dh have been NC since. She also left some very close friends at work.

We have worked hard- him more than me. I am a 'new improved' version of me, happier,more confident and more at peace with myself. His affair made me realise that only I alone can make myself happy, that my happiness was not reliant on another ( him). I have worked hugely on this.
There are ' hangovers' from his affair ( of course) but I would say they affect him more than me.

That's the background in brief, here's my small triumph...

Dh works over an hours commute each way from home. Many of his colleagues also do - but in different directions.
As a result' staff arranged socials ' are usually far from home and could involve an overnight stay.
Official Work do's are paid for but the 'no partner' rule applies. As a result of all the above and us having children, I had barely met anyone from his work, only 1 colleague and his wife approx 11 years ago.

Since last year, Dh is keen to integrate me into his work social life. Some definitely know of his affair some don't. There are those that he has told ( his friends) those his Ow did ( her friends) and those that guessed. Others were ignorant to it.

I have had huge battles in my mind meeting them- paranoia what they thought of me, insecurity etc , did they think I was a fool to stay, feel pity for me, measuring me up to Ow etc. was he a fool to stay, did I 'measure up' to her.

Up until this weekend we have been out with his male colleagues and their wife - as a foursome. It has always been fine, I enjoyed myself. The reality is better than the 'worry' beforehand.

This weekend was different: we went out with a biggish group. Including 2 'besties' of Ow when she worked there. One being who she confided all to. I hadn't met any of them before. I stressed leading up to it, discussed it with Dh.
The night came, I got ready ,we went. On route I made an internal decision - I refused to let Ow hold me back. Whatever failings were theirs not mine for the affair.
We all met up, had a great night. Found myself within great company, I made them laugh,laughed a lot, enjoyed myself.
Most importantly - I realised I didn't care what they thought of me or Dh & me; it doesn't matter.
Because I now know that I am happy with what I am and the decisions I have made and the couple we have become again.
This is my small personal triumph.

pinkfluffypoodleface Mon 17-Feb-14 11:44:46

Yay well done! smile

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 17-Feb-14 11:45:57

It would be a pretty poor show if OW's mates were off with you... so I'm glad you felt comfortable etc x

Frenchfemme Mon 17-Feb-14 11:47:18

Not a small thing at all - you must feel great! Well done.

Meerka Mon 17-Feb-14 11:47:30

lovely to hear smile

JustSpeakSense Mon 17-Feb-14 11:59:11

I don't see this as a small triumph, I think it's quite monumental - I bet your DH was proud to have you by his side, so glad you had a good time!

CynicalOptimist Mon 17-Feb-14 12:04:41

Definately not a pointless post and I congratulate you on a huge personal triumph!
Well done!

Fourandcounting Mon 17-Feb-14 12:14:37

You sound like an incredibly brave and inspiring woman. Your dh is so lucky that you gave him another chance. I am glad that sometimes marriages can move on. Keep working on yourself.

UterusUterusGhali Mon 17-Feb-14 12:17:17


pausingforbreath Mon 17-Feb-14 12:33:48

Thanks for the replies.
I think it confirmed that 'we' have come a long way. I thinking facing 'the fear' head on and not feeling I had to justify myself or my decisions was great for me.

This was the closest I have been to Ow ,her friends - I had never met her.

'WhateverTrevor'- it would of been bad form. Something I had thought about , also was ready for. The week I was told, Ow had booked the week off ,so was available for him to move his stuff into her house. She was confident that their future began that week. I'm not blaming her - she only thought that because that's what she had been led to believe. I know she was very hurt too. But again, that was him that hurt her (as well as me). If her friends wanted to be off with someone because of her hurt - it's him not me who should receive it . ( and he did).

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 17-Feb-14 15:18:52

Yes definitely - well I'm glad everyone behaved and good for you for going! x

Joysmum Mon 17-Feb-14 16:36:33

Why is it that we all belittle the major things. Congratulations! This is a huge thing. I'm so glad you are moving on.

MeganBacon Mon 17-Feb-14 21:11:06

Thank you for posting this, it is lovely to hear. I hope many people are encouraged by your story. Well done you!

SerenaBracken Mon 17-Feb-14 21:39:07

Its a wonderful milestone and I hope your DP recognizes it.

You do however in your posts keep mentioning an OW when there isn't one. She's gone, erased by your power.

Never mention her again, either in speech or writing. Your DP got rid and so should you. Gone forever.

pausingforbreath Mon 17-Feb-14 21:58:43

Thanks again.
Serena - food for thought , you are quite right.
Noted - I shall consign her to 'shadow of Ow' at best .

Absolutelylost Mon 17-Feb-14 22:48:24

Thank you for posting; glad you're feeling much better in yourself. I'm also rebuilding a marriage - I'm having similar 'small lightbulb' moments - it's very liberating!

pausingforbreath Mon 17-Feb-14 23:32:18

Andolutelylost - glad to hear it !

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