dh unwilling to give up smoking cannabis

[milkysmum]

Hi. I know the answer to this really but am lacking the strength. Dh and I have been together 14 years, married 8 and have two wonderful children Dd 5 and ds 2. I used to smoke cannabis socially but gave up completely when we had children. Dh smokes it every day and I hate it. He is moody and irritable but refuses to agree that cannabis may be contributing. We never have any money because he spends all the spare cash on weed. I am talking about £60-80 a week on the stuff along with tobacco. I am so frustrated that I am having to spend money on credit cards to pay for shopping sometimes when if he would just give up his habbit then we could be financially so much more comfortable. He doesn't do ' serious talks' and has real issues with expressing emotion. I told him yesterday if he doesn't stop then we have no future. He hasn't even acknowledge d what I've said!! What do I do? Kids would be devastated and they love him so much. Also I know he won't move out so where does that leave me? We have a joint mortgage on the house. Anybody been in a similar situation want to share their expereinces? Thanks.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

As you say you know the answer. Someone who is addicted to any behaviour pattern is not going to change unless there is some dire consequence that actually matters to them. I think you have to approach this on the basis that you are seriously considering divorce. See solicitors, find out your rights, look at what happens to the property and access to the children....etc. 100% down the line serious. Present him with all of this as your plan for a future that doesn't involve either crappy behaviour or an expensive weed habit. If the prospect of losing everything doesn't spur him into action then follow through.

[Sortyourmakeupout]

I would contact na and ask their advice. Thats where I would start anyway.

I used to smoke cannabis also and its so hard to see how destructive it can be when your smoking it.

you have told him if he doesnt stop then no future and he hasnt acknowledged it. I guessing you said this before andvthere wasnt any consequehces so now he thinks its an idle threat.

[Ohwhatfuckeryisthis]

Call the police on his adolescent arse. He is a selfish twunt and is damaging your relationship and your kids. Or if that is extreme talk to your doctor. (I went through same with ds, and it was threat of police, social workers and me losing my job that did it) do you have joint account? Where does the money go? Get yourself an account, on pay day transfer all the money after bills and tell him you are in charge of finances now. Doesn't do serious talks! How old is he, 12? (Sorry if that comes across as angry, it's not at you op, it's your selfish h)

[AnyFucker]

What a fucking waste of space this man is. He doesn't give a shit about you, just wants you to STFU so he can carry on being a juvenile dick

Get rid of him. He is a millstone around your neck.

[milkysmum]

Joint account. A few years ago I took over all finances- took his bank card Tec.. he hated having 'pocket money' so we agreed recently for him to have cards back. He is nowhere near as bad as he was with money but still! Yes it is very much like having a teenager in the house and yes I have made many many idle threats so I'm sure he does not take this seriously. I do love him but this is not the life I want for me and the children. I mean come on weed or your family? How can he not choose us?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Addiction is a supremely selfish indulgence IME. In my case the partner preferred alcohol to anything else and, even though he functioned reasonably well, the behaviour was similar to your DH. Wasting money, bad tempered behaviour, didn't want to discuss it... Huge waste of my time.

[Poloholo]

Of course he hated having pocket money because presumably it didn't give him enough to smoke as much as he wanted.

I couldn't put up with this, I really couldn't.

[milkysmum]

I don't want to put up with it either but just feel overwhelmed by the logistics- and the thought of having to tell my parents dh is a pot head! In his eyes this will be a huge over reaction on my part 'everyone' he knows smokes weed and he can see no problem with it. Admittedly he is a far worse drunk that when he is stoned (this would be his reason for carrying on smoking) but still it is ruining us. He has a shed that he smokes in and pretty much bloody lives in there! He would be absolutely knackered without me- mine is the better, more stable wage. He is a self employed tradesman so money can be hit and miss dependant on weather etc.. another huge stress for us. In other ways he is great. When we moved last year he took 9 months off to look after the children why we settled in to our new home ( in a beautiful village where dh grew up). It sometimes makes it worse that I work in mental health and dh gets annoyed that I am just trying to 'therap' him!

[AnyFucker]

You would be better off, financially and emotionally, without him.

He took 9 months off work ? Very noble of him. Lots more free time to smoke, eh ?

[SolidGoldBrass]

Look, he's a parasite. You've probably put up with him for this long because you have a bit of a rescuer streak, but he is taking the piss and you will be better off without him.
Find yourself a solicitor, get all your info in place, then tell him to leave. If he won't go, tell him you will inform the police of his drug use. And if he still won't go, do it. Any negative consequences for hiim are all his own fault.

[Ohwhatfuckeryisthis]

Have you got friends, siblings who can come round and "stage an intervention" (sorry I hate that, but don't know what else to call it) what about his parents? If you can't/won't ltb then it's time for tough measures. Pocket money, someone else to knock some sense into him talk to him, lock the bastard shed then burn the thing down. He wants to act like a kid, treat him like it. Get the kids looked after, get your trusted support round and go for it. And it is his choice not your fault. the only people who know he smokes will be his dope buddies, his clients find out that's his business fucked too.

[Ohwhatfuckeryisthis]

Actually, no forget that. Anyfucker and Solid are right. Get rid.

[milkysmum]

Yes definatley have a rescuer streak! you guys sound so much stronger than me. I need to make that appointment with a solicitor dont I?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think you do because, whether you ultimately end up splitting or staying together, I think you need to have that knowledge behind you. You may not have reached the tipping point yet but one day you will and it's good to have a plan to roll out.

[sooperdooper]

That's incredibly selfish, spending that money on weed when you have no cash for food is unbelievable!!

I think you have to do what you've said you will or he'll never change, I used to smoke cannabis every day at one point but I gave it up a long time ago now, his behaviour is depriving you and your family of a basis standard of living :(

I would say to him that he has a set amount per week which he can spend on what he likes, but not enough that it impacts on your family finances - he clearly can't be trusted with a bank card if he's spending more that you can afford.

I'd say bank cards confiscated, limited money available, if he doesn't like it, you'd be better off without him, if he can't/won't put your family above wanting to spend ridiculous amounts of money on weed then I don't see how you can rely on him to be a good father in general

[Sortyourmakeupout]

You need to mean what you say.

[Innogen]

Run for the hills. Your kids not need to grow up exposed to that waste of space. They will thank you as adults for leaving.

[milkysmum]

I don't believe he spends the money realising it means my card may get declined at the supermarket he just fails to check the account before drawing cash out.

[sooperdooper]

Thing is, the reaction isn't so much about the weed smoking, it's the amount of money he's spending on this habit that's the issue and his reluctance to realise that he's prioritising that over your family - does he understand that?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Whether it's done out of malice or thoughtlessness is immaterial. It's a crappy way to live. In a good/normal family everyone is pulling together, supporting each other. Not one person doing what makes them happy and everyone else having to pick up the pieces.

[milkysmum]

Making excuses for him aren't I!

[NigellasDealer]

I don't believe he spends the money realising it means my card may get declined at the supermarket he just fails to check the account before drawing cash out
ffs he is an adult isnt he? he knows how bank accounts work? and he is withdrawing money without checking first?
sorry but for me it is not the weed per se, it is behaving like this. he needs to grow the fuck up!
and you need to get rid.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Probably. Few of us like to think we made a mistake choosing the partner we did. One of your main rationales for not kicking him out seems to be that you would be embarrassed to tell your parents what he's really like.... Trust me, it's worth risking a few 'I told you so's'.

[milkysmum]

Sounds selfish but I really don't want to be alone. Long term. When chance do I have of even meeting someone else with two small children! Am I over thinking this?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Being alone (i.e. single) doesn't necessarily mean you're lonely. Right now you sound lonely.