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Lying cheating bastard trumps snoop, every time!

(24 Posts)
Cabrinha Sun 16-Feb-14 23:14:53

More a thread about a lot of threads, rather than any one thread.

I have seen this so many times on here: women apologising for snooping, feeling guilty.

OK, so if you're in a relationship with no problem signs and you're compulsively checking your partner's phone, you probably need some support to understand why and to stop.

But - the vast majority of people who post here and apologise for snooping have had some instinct tell them to do it, and have been proved right that there was something to find. Don't underestimate your instinct!

I inadvertently came across suspicious stuff - then I snooped. Damn right I did, and I never felt a moment's guilt. He was a lying cheating bastard.

To all those who snoop and post on here with their worries: don't apologise here!

Cheating on your partner (whether full on affair or the beginnings of it) is a worse "relationship crime" than snooping when your instinct tells you something is amiss.

I'm sorry to anyone going through the double whammy of a shitty partner AND beating themselves up about how they know.

Sortyourmakeupout Sun 16-Feb-14 23:19:32

I think some posters say they shouldnt have snooped to cover themselves.

like you, if I felt something amiss, I would have a look. If theres nothing to hide, I wont find it.

GEM33 Sun 16-Feb-14 23:19:58

I snooped because I had a feeling and I was right. If they had nothing to hide they absolutely wouldn't mind u looking anyway. If my partner wanted to look at my phone or diary or anything when we were together in the 7 years he would have been welcome because I absolutely loved him and had nothing to hide. I don't care if people disagree with me. That's my opinion and feeling on it. He s currently screwing 26 yr old with a nasty reputation while I'm home looking after his kid. I can only think of four letter words for him right now.
I'm with you op.

AnyFucker Sun 16-Feb-14 23:22:09

This is one of those situations where the end really does justify the means

Cabrinha Sun 16-Feb-14 23:25:13

I think you're right Sort - but cover themselves from what? From a moral judgement here? Because I just think their shouldn't be any judging.
It's a shit position to be in. I used to go for my STBXH's phone if I could, and whilst I didn't ever feel wrong for doing so, I did feel awful in a "this is what my relationship has become" way.
It's makes me sad to see women beating themselves up for, or pre-emptively apologising for, something quite sensible - and understandable.

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 16-Feb-14 23:28:18

I snooped, once. Found my H's 'romantic' diary setting out his plans with OW.

After I confronted him, his Mum said I had no right to snoop saying maybe he didn't tell me because he "wasn't ready to".

I don't apologise for what I did, only did it when my instincts told me to.

I agree with you cabrinha, no apologies needed for trusting instincts.

FamilyFirstAlways Sun 16-Feb-14 23:29:24

I snooped. Actually, I fell across a load of dodgy stuff whilst trying to book a holiday on our home PC. He'd been creating profiles on or whatever. Said it meant nothing. Wanted to believe him but Snooped after the loss of trust. Glad I did- I found out that he'd snogged a woman he met in a club, arranged to meet escorts and eventually had sex with a colleague. I left him, he's still lying....

I have never felt the need to snoop with my current partner. Funny that!

Never underestimate your instinct. It's there for a reason.

babycow38 Sun 16-Feb-14 23:33:05

I did not snoop, had no idea he was cheating with OW , BUT i logged into my daughters laptop and he had left his email open so i did look, what i found was horrendous, hotel bookings, photos shared. When i confronted him he said i should not have snooped!! i felt for a long time if i hadnot looked we would not be split now,,living in seperate houses, the girls unsettled but i know deep down his shitiness needed to come out,it has taken me a long time but i know where to put the blame now, squarley with fuckwit him x

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 16-Feb-14 23:35:00

*babycow flowers glad you're getting there x

Only1scoop Sun 16-Feb-14 23:36:13

Always trust your gut. As my ex slept I searched his car and found a mobile phone hidden under the handbrake compartmentblush....with it copies of my work roster with my nights away from home highlighted. What a total shiteconfused

Cabrinha Sun 16-Feb-14 23:36:50

Family -ditto the current boyfriend! A couple of months in, he gave me his phone unlocked to make a call then disappeared up a roof -I had opportunity. And given what my ex did, I will say that it crossed my mind to snoop. Not an urge to, more an objective feeling of "this is an opportunity, and you of all people know that you can't trust everyone". But I didn't. I just didn't feel the need.

skyeskyeskye Sun 16-Feb-14 23:41:55

Gut instinct made me snoop and discover deleted emails and thousands of texts on the mobile bills. This was because XH walked out suddenly after talking about a woman all the time....

If you are suspicious then snoop. It helps to prove you are not going mad......

Sortyourmakeupout Sun 16-Feb-14 23:44:35

Cabrina-you got it, the moral judgement.

And I hear what your saying about you cant believe your relationship has come to this.

Its so easy when other posters say you shouldnt snoop etc but when you know something is going on and you cant put your finger on it you have no option but to snoop.

Sortyourmakeupout Sun 16-Feb-14 23:48:40

Only1scoop, Im sat here with my mouth gaping open. I am speechless.

FolkGirl Mon 17-Feb-14 05:30:52

Cabrinha Yes, I think there is moral judgement here at times. I've seen less of it recently, but I have certainly read posts from distraught women who've snooped and found something and the focus of some replies has been the fact that she 'snooped'.

I didn't snoop. I borrowed his laptop with his express permission and discovered his history when I went to clear mine (habit, I always did it on my dad's recommendation).

He blamed me for the whole breakdown and everything that happened from then on in. If I hadn't 'snooped', I'd never have discovered he'd been on extra marital affair websites, I'd never have kicked him out, I wouldn't have 'accused' him of anything, his emotional affair would never have come out, I'd never have taken my wedding/engagement rings off, he'd never have seen that as the death knell of our marriage and slept with the woman he'd had an EA with (denied it being physical until that point), I'd never have decided I wasn't going to try again because now he'd shagged someone; he'd never have had a breakdown...

He actually said he had no intention of leaving me and the children so if I'd never snooped he'd still be here and we'd still be together. He will still not accept that his behaviour was wrong. Only that my behaviour caused it to all come out into the open and I was the one who acted upon it. Not him.

'Snooping' because you're nosy or don't think someone else has a right to a private life or whatever is wrong, of course. But gathering information so that you can make an informed choice about your own life is not.

My ex MIL has been very supportive of me and called him a "fucking cunt" for his behaviour, but she also believes that I was the one who upset the applecart by kicking him out. I was the one whose actions meant we reached the point of no return.

So my marriage broke down because I snooped (even though I didn't) and not because of his actions.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 17-Feb-14 09:45:25

I agree, when a partner feels compelled to 'snoop' it's usually something in their partner's recent behaviour or mood that prompted investigation.

Your exH challenged your take on his adultery, and ex MIL thought ignorance was bliss, FolkGirl, what a pair! How should you have coped when the bomb dropped and he had detached sufficiently to prepare himself to waltz out?

copies of my work roster with my nights away from home highlighted

That is horrible, Only1scoop.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Feb-14 09:52:22

No-one should feel guilty for doing a bit of digging into their partner's life if they have suspicions but what I would also say is that they shouldn't feel obliged to dig either. That someone is behaving in an untrustworthy way is enough reason to get shot, although I realise some need to see it in black and white before acting. Equally, if snooping reveals nothing, that doesn't mean there's nothing wrong.

Certainly no-one should plan to make snooping a long-term strategy. Enduring suspicion is not a life

Only1scoop Mon 17-Feb-14 09:58:32

It was awful to be honest the lengths he had gone to hiding his tracks.

I had started to suspect as had seen a couple of unexplained texts....very lame excuses given but what really made me snoop <if anyone is interested>

I watched him on the mobile he had for ages....pressing the wrong buttons to get to different screens....going to the setting to type a text....very cumbersome for a regular user if that phone....

It made me suspect he was using a different make phone on the side. That is why I searched.

And sure enough I found it and much more.

This was quite a long time ago before Internet access on phones etc. I can only imagine what the vile worm would have been up to now.

I'm not overly suspicious unless I see the signals.

I am known by friends as "Miss Marple the second" blush

BadlyShavedYeti Mon 17-Feb-14 10:00:03

I have snooped when my instinct was screaming that something wasnt right. And i make NO apologies for snooping. If he wasnt having an EA (or the start of one) then i would never have looked.

I still check his phone as I still dont trust him. I can go months and months without checking and then something will set my bullshit detector off and there is usually something.

I will never apologise for looking, ever. My life is an open book, if DP wanted to look at my phone/diary/laptop he would be more than welcome. But funnily enough he changes the pin on his phone all the time. Wonder what he is hiding now?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Feb-14 10:04:53

"I still check his phone as I still dont trust him"

Why be in a relationship with someone you don't trust? Wouldn't it be better to get shot and be in a relationship with someone you do trust instead? That's what I mean about snooping being useful but should not be a long-term strategy

Hassled Mon 17-Feb-14 10:07:58

Only1 - Miss Marple is right - I'm incredibly impressed that you had the sort of lateral thinking to spot that and then make the correct deduction.

I was absolutely oblivious when my Ex cheated - I trusted him completely right up until the moment he told me. That was way back in the pre-mobiles, pre-internet days though - I suppose it was easier to cheat without leaving traces then. If I had suspected, I'd have snooped without any remorse.

BadlyShavedYeti Mon 17-Feb-14 11:57:06

It is something I am working on Cogito, Plan B in place and all financial ducks in a row etc

The problem is that I get a feeling, look, find something but it is still innocentish and nothing has happened for me to leave him. things like over familiar texts to females that he never used to text etc.

Tis very complicated

And sometimes it can be years between episodes, literally years. Then i snoop and find something.

My head hurts from it all but i cannot go on with it

Contrarian78 Mon 17-Feb-14 14:53:20

My wife has snooped on me and it's horrible. I don't particuarly guard my phone. She knows my passwords etc (I use the same one for most things) but she still felt the need to snoop. What she didn't realise was that in reactivating an ancient Faceache profile I've since grown up I was sent an email message. once she done this, I started receiving emails (spam) from random people, requesting hook-ups. I asked her to delete the Facebook profile and then she went into attack mode over the emails (which she'd not have known about had I not told her)

I explained that they were spam emails, but she was convinced I was receiving these as I must have visited dodgy sites before (which I hadn't). I told her to check her email, and lo-and-behold, there were a number of items in the spam folder requesting local hook-ups.

Case closed!

The point is, that sometimes you can snoop and snoop and come across things that might seem incriminating, but in fact aren't.

In our case, I put it down to preganancy hormones this is by no means the strangest thing she's done but if it happens again......

I now know that my wife doesn't trust me (or had reason to feel she couldn't) It won't have helped the relationship.

Joysmum Mon 17-Feb-14 16:40:38

I can only project how I would feel if my DH felt the need to snoop on me. It would tell me that he was worried he wasn't enough to keep me. That would make me extremely sad because it would tell me he undervalues himself and tell me that I need to be more reassuring. It wouldn't make me angry in the slightest, just be a sign that we needed to work on our relationship.

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