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facebook message just to let me know my H is a cheating twunt..

(18 Posts)
goodenuffmum Sun 16-Feb-14 22:07:29

I was checking my "other folders" section on my facebook account tonight and found a message with photos of my STBXH with an other woman and a bitchy message letting me know about their 15 month relationship which started 4 months before I got the "I don't love you" speech.

I posted on here at the time (I don't know how to link it) and got some solid advice and I'm hoping for some more tonight...

He told me in October 2012 he didn't love me but I couldn't get the courage up to ask him to leave until February 2013 blush

So he will be out of the family home 1 year on the 28th February. I went to counselling, I leaned on my friends and attended Al-Anon (for his and my parents' alcohol issues) and I have been starting to feel scared to say it- a wee bit happy. I spent Valentines night with 2 friends having drinks and a laugh grin

Now I feel like this has knocked me back again. He is such a cliche and I'm a stupid idiot for ever believing that he wouldn't do this to me.

So what do I do?
Do I reply to his now dumped mistress (she sent the message because "he has hurt me and he deserves to be hurt too" hmm
Will it help in the long run asking him for the details: all he will say in the phone (after denying it until I told him I had the photos) is it was a mistake and he will spend the rest of his life regretting it
is her facebook message enough to get a divorce for adultery?

goodenuffmum Sun 16-Feb-14 22:10:25

www.mumsnet.com/.../a1595199-Hubby-leaving-after-Christmas-help-me- make-a-plan

think that's linked right confused

StolenShortcake Sun 16-Feb-14 22:14:00

Yes, the message (with accompanying pictures) should be enough for adultery.

I wouldn't mention it to him, because if you do, it suggest that you are bothered. If you've split up anyway, there doesn't seem to be a point.

This hasn't knocked you back. She messaged you to get a response (the hurting-him-because-he-hurt-me rubbish is just so cliched) so don't give either of them one. Make it that she's actually just secured your divorce, not a reaction.

Don't reply to her, don't reply to him. Stiff upper lip. And a strong drink if you need one.

MisForMumNotMaid Sun 16-Feb-14 22:20:30

Print out the message and photos, place in a file out of your everyday sight called divorce.

You've moved ten steps forwards this is only one back. Of course you feel a bit thrown by it but actually its ammunition that should you wish to use in the future you can.

Stay strong book another night out with your friends, keep living.

scornedwoman67 Sun 16-Feb-14 22:25:11

I agree. ..ignore. She wants a reaction. Don't give her what she wants. My XH's OW did it a few times. I never acknowledged her. I'm sorry you're feeling so horrible. Try to remind yourself that you've escaped from a lying twonk. Hold your head high & get on with the divorce. flowers

goodenuffmum Sun 16-Feb-14 22:34:59

Ok, so I'm not going to reply to her: can I block her? I don't want to torture myself by looking at their pictures together.

Now I'm revising our 16 years together and don't believe any of it was true sad

Do I tell the DC (they are 14 and 10)?

Oh god, I'm going to have to get myself checked out for STIs. angry

why does it hurt if he's been gone for 11 months?

Cabrinha Sun 16-Feb-14 22:40:56

You put that embarrassed face away lady!!!
He told you he didn't love you, and within 6 months, YOU had ended it. That's brilliant! You do know that lots of us let it limp on longer than that, or don't have the pleasure of doing the dumping?! It's a hard thing to do, especially when you have a family.
Quit feeling embarrassed and feel proud!

Don't reply to OW. Think how much more annoyed she'll be by getting no response! It's such a win win.
Print the stuff off, and put in a folder marked "BIG FAT WHATEVER".

I understand why it's hit you hard - but I honestly believe you'll bounce back from it quicker than you think, and quicker than from the split.

As for adultery... It may help as hopefully you having that evidence will get him to agree not to contest. He won't be penalised in settlement for it, so he may as well. If he decides he doesn't want it officially on record, he may hard ball, refuse to admit. I believe it's actually quite hard to prove adultery. It has to be proof of actual intercourse, and I don't know if her emails are good enough (he could say she was lying I guess?) I don't know if the photos you have are of intercourse (I'm so sorry) and if he is identifiable.
It will cost you more to prove it in court, if he denies it.

It is certainly enough for Unreasonable Behaviour though - if you want to do that?

A solicitor can advise, anyway.

You might even be able to get proceedings underway as a celebration of your strength on 28th Feb! Good luck x

Cabrinha Sun 16-Feb-14 22:47:35

I don't think you should tell your children, no.

But definitely block the dumped OW! Don't feel tortured though. She's clearly got none of the class that you have, sending a message like that. Sad bitch.

Your ex is a total arsehole - but if you have good memories from earlier on, it's OK to accept those for what they are. My lying cheating ex is a wanker - but he did have some good parts, and the happy times we had weren't a lie. But you do need to accept that they're firmly in the past.

11 months is no time and this is a BIG new shock. Just accept that it hurts. But like I said above - you will weather this much more quickly than before. Your immunity to him is higher!

StolenShortcake Sun 16-Feb-14 22:54:54

I agree, don't tell the children but do block the OW. Serves her right.

goodenuffmum Sun 16-Feb-14 23:01:33

why are they such cliches?

I'm just sad that I fell for it...I even found condoms in our room the month before he left and when I asked him about he blamed them on the sex ed talk that our 13 year old (at the time) had at school.

Thinking back now my DS goes to a catholic school and there's no way they would have been giving out condoms!

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 17-Feb-14 01:15:45

Condoms in your room? Was OW in your house? Eeh!
Block her. Good for you not replying! Not sure i'd be able to resist x

Bogeyface Mon 17-Feb-14 01:43:03

I wouldnt block her, she will be able to tell that you did and she will get her kicks from knowing that you blocked her. She will also be able to tell that you got her message, so do nothing. Nothing at all. Every time she opens her emails or her FB she will have that little "has she replied" lurch in her stomach.

Dont give her the closure of that lurch going away!

goodenuffmum Mon 17-Feb-14 12:32:45

No whatever she wasn't in my house...she lives at the other end of the country. The condoms must've fallen out of his bag when he was home at the weekend

Thanks everyone that replied...Cabrinha i never thought of myself as brave when I told him to go...I just couldn't bear the silence and the atmosphere in the home anymore. I'm just proud that I didn't beg him to stay. That took all the courage I had. I'm especially glad now that I know he was poking another woman.

I didn't realise she would know I had blocked her Bogeyface. I don't want her to think I'm ignoring her. I'm grateful for her message. Funny I don't feel angry at her...he was the married man and he made the decision to cheat. I don't believe him for 1 second that "it just happened". Will feeling no angry towards her make my recovery easier or harder?

I can't get an appointment at the GUM clinic until next week...thank you twunt for that future appointment.

I'm feeling sad and mad at the same time..guess that's normal right?

scornedwoman67 Mon 17-Feb-14 17:42:41

It's perfectly normal. Eventually it will turn to anger, then relief.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 17-Feb-14 21:02:07

Oh good luck OP. You're brave x

goodenuffmum Tue 18-Feb-14 18:29:32

So the anger has arrived....I've started the process of getting him off the mortgage and in his guilt he is signing house over grin

He texted today about contact with DC. I rang and at the end I asked that he make sure his OW doesnt know where I live...he said this has ruined his life and he will regret leaving me for the rest of his life.....yea, yea, pass me a tissue hmm. A phrase from Anyfucker springs to mind about not thinking about that when he was balls deep in his OW!

Told him I want a divorce as soon as the house is signed off. He said "I understand". Aren't I so lucky to have an understanding H sarcastic eye roll!

The facebook message from the bitter OW has been so freeing for me..I think 2014 will be a great year! grin

MisForMumNotMaid Tue 18-Feb-14 19:08:47

Keep the momentum up. Don't allow any hesitation - go full out steam roller. Getting everything in your name, monies sorted out etc doesn't close any doors or options for you, it just helps with moving forward.

2014 its the first year in the rest of your life.

hamptoncourt Tue 18-Feb-14 19:38:31

It has been ages so the OW won't necessarily realise you have blocked her now. she may think you have just deactivated your FB acct. Don't give it a second thought.

you know you are well rid of him. It's just a shock but it will pass and you will be stronger.

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