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Help with my behaviour

(57 Posts)
Sneezybell Sun 16-Feb-14 15:19:06

Me and my partner have been together for just over 7 and half years and have two daughters, ever since first daughter came along I've been the worst person to live with.

I'm controlling, abusive and uptight with everything or anyone in the house. I hate the affect it's having on everyone in the household. I've been reading this book to try and help "stop hurting the women you love" and I've enquired about a relationship course and will be going down to speak to them on Tuesday.

I spoke to my partner about this and she said she wants me to start listening to her, start respecting her and engaging in family life.

I am willing to do anything to turn this around, any ideas on where to start?

Bingbongbinglybunglyboo Mon 17-Feb-14 11:57:10

Op, have you made plans to move out yet?

OxfordBags Mon 17-Feb-14 11:46:40

(not you, Monet. And you're right about not engaging)

OxfordBags Mon 17-Feb-14 11:45:11

Shoulder, meet chip.

Monetbyhimself Mon 17-Feb-14 11:29:58

Am still amazed that people are engaging. This man has invaded a space that his wife uses. There are a thousand other online forums where he could have posted for advice.

Yet he chose to register on the forum his wife uses. And those of you who have made excuses for his behaviour, and who have placed responsibility for it with his wife know NOTHING about the dynamics of domestic abuse.

Creepy, manipulative, classically abusive behaviour to stalk and follow someone online.

wouldbemedic Mon 17-Feb-14 11:15:06

oxford, I hope you don't shower real life people with such sarcasm and scorn - it would be abusive. Don't you see? Or don't you want to? It's not about whether the other person 'deserves it' - it's about decent standards of behaviour. Setting an example by treating someone with respect is not pussyfooting and it doesn't mean you can't get the job done. Shaming, aggressive behaviour is a classic sign of abuse. I'll withdraw from the thread now as this isn't helping the OP. OP, get professional help and take their advice. Mumsnet has probably been as helpful as it's going to be in signposting you to rl potential help. Good luck.

OxfordBags Mon 17-Feb-14 09:37:41

Also, my advice - get long-term therapy whilst moving out of the family home, accepting that it will take a long time and that the relationship might be over, counselling will be necessary for his partner and children, etc. - is only the same advice he'd get from official, trained sources. I'm just saying it a bit more bluntly, because I'm not legally required to pussyfoot around self-confessed abusers, especially ones who I suspect are only writing here as a grand gesture, or who want tonpay lip service to the idea of true change.

And I presumed the OP is describing EA, not violence.

Keepithidden Mon 17-Feb-14 09:37:15

OP - Can I ask how you knwo your abusive? Is it a case of reading about abusive behaviour and self diagnosing? What kinf of abusive behaviour are you exhibiting and what impact does it have on your family?

I ask because I have previously thought of some of my behaviour as abusive, I consumed vast amounts of literature and could see some of my behaviours in the the Lundy Bancroft tome. I suspect all of us can carry out abusive behaviour to some extent, but the key thing (I understand, and I am no expert) is the sustained pattern of behaviour. I can be quite passive aggressive, I'm crap at conflict management and withdraw. I recognise this now and pull myself up on it regularly, but it is a strategy that served me well when I was younger and single so it is a struggle to change.

I really hope this post isn't seen as minimising, it is certainly not my intent to diminish the harrowing experiences abusive relationships result in, I just wondered whether it was your own realisation of your behaviour that caused you to self diagnose, or whether someone else had pointed it out from an external position (possibly more objectively)?

PleaseNoScar Mon 17-Feb-14 09:34:33

Lastly, what has caused you to want to behave differently?

PleaseNoScar Mon 17-Feb-14 09:33:57

OP can you give some examples of what behaviours you are talking about?
Also, what research have you done to date on finding out the negatives impacts you are having on your wife and on your children.

OxfordBags Mon 17-Feb-14 09:32:53

Wouldbemedic, I find it rather amusing that you angrily insult me and infer things about my own experiences and feelings, yet say I have turned this thread into some sort of fight.

If you could show me one single scrap of evidence that children WON'T be damaged by growing up with an abusive father (his words, dearie, not something I've magicked up), I'd love to see it. Saying children will be adversely affected by an abusive parent isn't wild supposition coming from some personal issues of my own, it's just what's bleeding obvious, and which every study, etc., done on the topic proves.

PleaseNoScar Mon 17-Feb-14 09:31:31

Perhaps she can take some of the pressure of you for a little while

Are you kidding? Surely he has been heaping pressure on her for years a while and needs to stop doing that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Feb-14 09:23:20

"Perhaps she can take some of the pressure of you for a little ..."

The OP is 100% of the problem, not 'pressure' from his partner. hmm The OP's partner did not cause this and cannot fix this. The OP has to take responsibility for their own behaviour and, if he is abusive, he cannot just 'say sorry' and it'll be OK. Verbal abuse can be more damaging than physical abuse because it's invisible to others.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Feb-14 09:20:47

"staying with his mum for a month "

I don't think anything I wrote made leaving look like a temporary fix.

heyday Mon 17-Feb-14 09:19:59

At least you are finally acknowledging these problems and that is good. You say you are abusive and most people have jumped on this to mean physical abuse but I am assuming that you mean you are being verbally abusive which is just as damaging but can be dealt with slightly differently as your family are not in any immediate danger. You could be depressed as you do seem to be displaying symptoms of this. You could also be totally overwhelmed with being a partner and father of 2 young children as there are so many stresses and strains. I think you should sit down with your partner and explain how you are feeling, say sorry, say you want to change. Perhaps she can take some of the pressure of you for a little while so you can step back and try to find a new way forward in your life. You need to take baby steps towards a new future. You should speak to your doctor, ask him to get you some counselling, inquire about medication for depression if he feels that is an option. Make sure you have some relaxing time to yourself. Exercise can be a great stress buster too. I wish you well and truly hope that you can find some answers to your difficulties so that you can lead a happier family life ...for all your sakes.

Offred Mon 17-Feb-14 09:02:06

You could try these perpetrator programs but I have heard others be sceptical about their effectiveness and question whether they just teach abusers to be better at covering up their abuse.

Sneezybell Mon 17-Feb-14 08:57:30

Thanks for the replies, I'm in work now but reading though them and will reply when got more time

Offred Mon 17-Feb-14 08:52:24

Yeah, that'd be a good thing but I'd worry from your post he or his wife might get the idea that staying with his mum for a month or moving into a bedsit short term would solve the whole problem!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Feb-14 08:50:29

For his family to stop living in fear short term the OP has to remove himself. His family can then start to heal. If he can never go back to his wife because his rehabilitation is too slow or too ineffectual, surely that would be a good thing?

Offred Mon 17-Feb-14 08:46:28

Realistically though it isn't going to be the short term though cog. The kind of therapy and change required could take a very very long time. People work for decades on the effects of their childhood sometimes. Not fair to anyone to suggest really that if he just moves out for the short term it might be fine. It is likely to be a long term process and I doubt he could ever go back to his wife because he'd risk falling back into the old dynamic.

kotinka Mon 17-Feb-14 08:45:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Feb-14 08:42:34

"there must be some people out there who have had positive results."

Of course there are. But it is grossly unfair on others to have to carry on suffering whilst others are in the process of achieving those positive results. The OP frightens his family. He has said he'll reform, go on a course and read a book. Do you honestly think his family have now heaved a sigh of relief at this news, are nicely relaxed and no longer fearful because I don't? They will be tiptoeing around him like he's an unexploded bomb, still suffering from anxiety, waiting for the next outburst.

So whilst being positive he can change if adequately motivated and treated, I think his family deserve to stop living in fear short-term.

ImATotJeSuisUneTot Mon 17-Feb-14 08:37:35

Your intentions for posting here, in her space, are obvious - and it's not for advice.

Bedtime1 Mon 17-Feb-14 08:25:25

Is that what therapies for to help with abusive patterns and the past affecting the present and future? It might not work but there must be some people out there who have had positive results.

kotinka Mon 17-Feb-14 08:21:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Offred Mon 17-Feb-14 08:10:25

People think they can love addicts and abusers better very often and they are wrong. The addict/abuser has to do all the work on their own. A loving supportive relationship where the past exists still in the present, by way of a connection to and feelings about the behaviour, is not conducive to change.

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