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Help with my behaviour

(57 Posts)
Sneezybell Sun 16-Feb-14 15:19:06

Me and my partner have been together for just over 7 and half years and have two daughters, ever since first daughter came along I've been the worst person to live with.

I'm controlling, abusive and uptight with everything or anyone in the house. I hate the affect it's having on everyone in the household. I've been reading this book to try and help "stop hurting the women you love" and I've enquired about a relationship course and will be going down to speak to them on Tuesday.

I spoke to my partner about this and she said she wants me to start listening to her, start respecting her and engaging in family life.

I am willing to do anything to turn this around, any ideas on where to start?

Keepithidden Mon 17-Feb-14 09:37:15

OP - Can I ask how you knwo your abusive? Is it a case of reading about abusive behaviour and self diagnosing? What kinf of abusive behaviour are you exhibiting and what impact does it have on your family?

I ask because I have previously thought of some of my behaviour as abusive, I consumed vast amounts of literature and could see some of my behaviours in the the Lundy Bancroft tome. I suspect all of us can carry out abusive behaviour to some extent, but the key thing (I understand, and I am no expert) is the sustained pattern of behaviour. I can be quite passive aggressive, I'm crap at conflict management and withdraw. I recognise this now and pull myself up on it regularly, but it is a strategy that served me well when I was younger and single so it is a struggle to change.

I really hope this post isn't seen as minimising, it is certainly not my intent to diminish the harrowing experiences abusive relationships result in, I just wondered whether it was your own realisation of your behaviour that caused you to self diagnose, or whether someone else had pointed it out from an external position (possibly more objectively)?

OxfordBags Mon 17-Feb-14 09:37:41

Also, my advice - get long-term therapy whilst moving out of the family home, accepting that it will take a long time and that the relationship might be over, counselling will be necessary for his partner and children, etc. - is only the same advice he'd get from official, trained sources. I'm just saying it a bit more bluntly, because I'm not legally required to pussyfoot around self-confessed abusers, especially ones who I suspect are only writing here as a grand gesture, or who want tonpay lip service to the idea of true change.

And I presumed the OP is describing EA, not violence.

wouldbemedic Mon 17-Feb-14 11:15:06

oxford, I hope you don't shower real life people with such sarcasm and scorn - it would be abusive. Don't you see? Or don't you want to? It's not about whether the other person 'deserves it' - it's about decent standards of behaviour. Setting an example by treating someone with respect is not pussyfooting and it doesn't mean you can't get the job done. Shaming, aggressive behaviour is a classic sign of abuse. I'll withdraw from the thread now as this isn't helping the OP. OP, get professional help and take their advice. Mumsnet has probably been as helpful as it's going to be in signposting you to rl potential help. Good luck.

Monetbyhimself Mon 17-Feb-14 11:29:58

Am still amazed that people are engaging. This man has invaded a space that his wife uses. There are a thousand other online forums where he could have posted for advice.

Yet he chose to register on the forum his wife uses. And those of you who have made excuses for his behaviour, and who have placed responsibility for it with his wife know NOTHING about the dynamics of domestic abuse.

Creepy, manipulative, classically abusive behaviour to stalk and follow someone online.

OxfordBags Mon 17-Feb-14 11:45:11

Shoulder, meet chip.

OxfordBags Mon 17-Feb-14 11:46:40

(not you, Monet. And you're right about not engaging)

Bingbongbinglybunglyboo Mon 17-Feb-14 11:57:10

Op, have you made plans to move out yet?

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