Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I dont know what to do anymore... Weekly arguments, always my fault supposedly(19 Posts)
A bit of background, 18 months ago, I was a very happy SAHM with a couple of part time work days from home. My yougest was just 2 and a year away from starting nursery. H had been suffering impossible mood swings and was always miserable with him finally walking out on his job at that time. I immediately swung into action and got him to seek medical advise. He was diagnosed with work related stress and signed off for 3 months. After the three months, he decided not to return to work since he hated it there and wanted to dedicate more time to the things that he wanted to do ie: his hobbies. I desperately wanted him to be happy so set about returning to wrk on a full time basis at the cost of my precious time with my DC's. During this whole perod of time, H has left me to manage all the finances, supporting the whole family, taking sole responsibility for paying bills and when it became apparent that the money I was pulling in was not enough he, just wanted to ignore the problem and would start shouting at me if I ever tried to talk to him about it.... Something to do with his own feelings of inadequecy aparently. It has got to a point where we argue every weekend. The arguments generally start from nothing more than me wanting to discuss something that affects the family and I have tried so many different ways of broaching subjects to try to avoid the inevitble row but, nothing makes any difference, he reacts like a child whenever he doesnt want to talk about something, raises his voice and storms out of the house for sometimes hours at a time. Last week, he finally took it on bpard how worried I am about our finances and went out to get himsef a part-time job. The job he has got is for 2 nights a week... So this morning, I am told that he will be ot those two nights this week, as well as another 4 nights pursuing his hobbies. I said very quietly that that meant I would be rushing home from work every night this week to take over childcare and then spend every evening alone. He went ballistic blaming the fact that he had to work. When I pointed out that only covered 2 of his 6 nights out and that perhaps, in order to work, he should consider trimming down on his hobbies a bit, I was told flat out that he was not prepared to do that. During the course of this argument, I have spoken only about the matter in hand whilst he has accused me of being selfish, having mental health problems, has slagged off my mother (happens during every row because he knows it hurts me), has told me that he would be perfecty happy not to see me for a week, has pushed his face up into mine aggressively resulting on me stumbling backwards and falling over to which, he replied that I had purposly thrown myself on the floor because I am sick.... I really can't tak eit anymore, every weekend these things happen and I am sure that I am not asking too much from him, in fact, quite the opposite... I feel like my happiness and needs come so far down his ist of priorities whilst I have been breaking myself to try to make him be happy. It feels like all I have done is stupidly enabled a grown man to behave like a spoilt child and in return, I get a whole load of abuse. Is it unreasonable of me to have said anything about him being out 6 nights a week when I am working full time to support the family? He certainly seems to think he is entitled to spend his time however he chooses and that it is perfectly reasonable that should have to do whatever it takes for him to get his own way! I honestly do not understand what he thinks I get out of this relationship... Sorry for essay!
Come and join the relationships thread and check the links.
It is, indeed, him, not you.
sorry the link is to the abusive relationships thread
No you are not unreasonable to expect him to be in more than 1 night a week. I imagine you are rarely unreasonable but he makes you feel like you are? Has he always been like this or is he still suffering stress? Do you love him? What is he like aside from the rows?
Be prepared to hear plenty of LTB, and advice re emotional abuse, lots of experienced posters around but also lots of projecting.
By that I mean it does sound like emotional abuse but LTB is the knee jerk response.
Get rid of him.
Google tax credits calculator and see how much you would be eligible for.
Would your family help out with childcare if you split? Or could you work part time?
Life is too short to put up with this kind of crap.
You could try broken it isn't difficult. Unlike the poor old OP who is having a horrible time.
justabout you sound at the end of your tether. Your H sounds as though he has opted out of the marriage and just wants to be a single spoiled teenager again. Would life actually be easier without him? Does he add anything to you existence other than grief at the moment? I would be sorely tempted to tell him to go away and sort himself out and come back when he is ready to share family life again. Without him your finances would be easier and your life would be much less stressful.
It sounds as if he takes you utterly for granted and doesn't give a shit about your feelings, TBH. My DH has suffered from depression and we have had a couple of periods when he has behaved very oddly, but not in a calculating way like this. It doesn't sound as though the time off/leisure time has improved the situation and you sound exhausted and at the end of your tether.
I think you need to withdraw from this cycle of attempting to be reasonable and getting sucked into his temper tantrums. Is there anyone you can talk to in RL about his escalating violence? Think about what you and the children need; if he doesn't care, you have to prioritise yourself. Are you actually getting anything out of the relationship that is worth this level of entitled abusiveness?
Thank you everyone... I have only just talked about the top of the iceberg.. These sorts of things are happening all the time at the moment and I didn't know where to start when trying to write it down.. He says such nasty things to me and is so aggressive but always finds a way to make it my fault. He has always had controlling selfish tendencies, they just seem to be getting worse over time. He feels so self justified in everything he does and makes me feel like he couldn't care less how things affect me.. I'm an idiot to put up with it and to fall into the argument cycle so easily all the time... I wish I had a switch to stop me from reacting... Yes, I do believe my life would be much easier without him around at the moment but, when I have told him that is how I feel, he either tells me that he will not go anyway and I would have to leave or that he will not help me with the children etc... Soon I will have other childcare options but for the last 6 months I have only had him to look after them while I am working. I am sure this is not just damaging for is but I feel awful for the children and how much they pick up on... My eldest who is 9 makes a huge point of telling me over and over again how her biggest fear is us breaking up so, that is something else that weighs heavily on my mind...
Why does she fear you breaking up? Is it something her dad has been talking about?
How does she imagine will happen?
She fears it I think because a number of her friends at school have recently gone through family breakups.. She also is so astute that regardless of how much I try to protect her from these things, she is aware of the tension.... We live in a very small home and H is a very loud person who makes little effort to mask his feelings... I worry about what he may talk to her about as, just last weekend she told me that he tells her not to listen to me when I say things... She then begged me not to mention she had said that.. Every day I go to work with my youngest saying please don't go and I wish with every ounce of my being that I had never tried to take so much on for his benefit when nothing I do will ever be enough for him! It's my mess really, if I had made different choices then he wouldn't have been so enabled to be like this...
It is really, really, really not your fault he is an abusive twat - he is that all by himself.
There is nothing you can do (or could have done) to stop him being the way he is. That is up to him
Your problem is that will need help to get you and the children out of this situation and somewhere safer and happier.
so the usual (without telling him anything):
Financial and Legal advice
The Freedom Project
And a read through the thread I mentioned - start with the links
You have taken the first step, which is recognizing what is unacceptable. It took me very much longer.
He is being a selfish, irresponsible, immature twat, quite frankly.
So he wants to spend more time on his hobbies - not at the expense of helping to support your family!
He's blaming you for everything - well it would be nice to think that the reason he's getting so aggro with you is because he knows you're right and the last vestige of adult in him realises that and feels guilty, but the massive immature twat part of him doesn't like the feeling so takes it out on you.
Would it really be so bad to get rid of him? Even though your DD is begging you to stay together, that's because she's scared of the unknown - if you're all in a state of permanent tension because of Immature Twat's behaviour, then she'll probably realise that life is much nicer without him being around the whole time!
His behaviour is shit, and if he's not prepared to address it, then I would definitely be looking for an escape plan.
start by saying "You cannot behave like this." Spell it out.
It's not in any way your fault you've got here by trying to support someone you loved. Children don't always know what's best your dd may not respect you in the long run if you continue to accept this awful treatment. Splitting up is horrible but these arguments and way of life sounds very damaging, and not at all peaceful for the dc.
Another one saying it's not your fault.
Most people in relationships do the best for the benefit of the other partner. You are not supposed to imagine that they'll take advantage of you.
He seems to be emotionally abusing the DD as well. Good parents do not undermine each other. No wonder she is worried.
I I detest and he's experienced stress- and that is awful. However, I think he's just plain old taking the piss.
You are not unreasonable.
* I understand that he's experienced that should read....sorry
Join the discussion
Please login first.