Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

In a long affair....please don't read if this will cause you upset/anger.

(642 Posts)
alltoomuchnow Sun 16-Feb-14 14:28:29

Namechanged. I'm married with 2 children and I've been having an affair for over 6 years now. Something has literally "gone" in my mind and I can't take it any longer. I love OM very much but I know that we'll never be together. As time continues to go by I know that my feelings for him will get stronger. I need to end it all or accept that this is how it will be. I'm not asking for sympathy - I know I've done something very wrong and that I'll be hated on here. But I am human, I have feelings and I don't know how to cope any more. Has anyone been here and has felt this desperate....

pinkfluffypoodleface Sun 16-Feb-14 14:31:44

Why can't you leave your husband & you & OM live together? Does he not want to? brew

midnightagents Sun 16-Feb-14 14:37:18

Is your dh aware of the situation? It might be time for long chat with him so you can work out together what is best for the future. Good luck.

alltoomuchnow Sun 16-Feb-14 14:38:48

Neither of us is prepared to leave our children/family. The fallout would be horrendous for both sides and it's something I could never do. I thought I could deal with our affair but it's all too much now....I love him and I love my family.

pinkfluffypoodleface Sun 16-Feb-14 14:47:22

If you are certain you can't leave your family then the choice is up to you, but presumably if you get found out then it will all be over anyway & the choice will be out of your hands.

6 years is a long time & surely if your marriage was fine then you wouldn't be having an affair in the first place? There's no point living in a loveless marriage or staying together for the children. So:

Stay with your husband - No horrible fallout, you need to stop affair with OM & deal with whatever pushed you to an affair in the first place. If you don't love your husband then you are consigning yourself to a lonely life & may live in a resentful unloved state for an unknown number of years.

Leave husband - you will make yourself happy, husband will no longer be married to someone who doesn't love him, children will get used to it, you will be happy.

Really its up to you my love...does your husband still love you or is it not a happy marriage with him?

Cringechilli Sun 16-Feb-14 14:49:19

How old are all the dc involved? Are you both prepared to leave your spouses when the dc are 18+?

Just bear in mind that if either of your spouses find out, the choice of whether to leave may no longer be yours.

Are you certain OM feels the same way as you?

Charlie97 Sun 16-Feb-14 14:51:11

You and the OM should be honest and brave and do the right thing! Leave your partners, let them go and love elsewhere. Stop living a lie.

alltoomuchnow Sun 16-Feb-14 14:57:23

Thank you for your replies. Mine are teenagers, his are younger. He and I were together 20 years ago. My husband loves me and I love him but not in the way I love OM. Our marriage is, strangely as it may seem, happy. I know my life is a lie...I know what I should to. But I can not just switch off my feelings. I wish I could.

MajesticWhine Sun 16-Feb-14 15:01:24

Just stop, there is only misery by carrying on as you are. And yes, I have been there.
Do you still have feelings for your H? If so, put all your energy into that relationship. It will be painful and you might shed a few tears, but you WILL get over it. The feelings for your OM will dissipate and you will see the whole thing for what it is. A seedy ego boosting thing. What was the thinking when your affair started? Is there something you felt you needed / deserved that wasn't happening at home? You might need to look at this if you are to move on.

PoorOldCat Sun 16-Feb-14 15:13:50

'I know my life is a lie...I know what I should to. But I can not just switch off my feelings. I wish I could.'

No, you can't switch off your feelings. But you can control how you act.

That's the thing. Walking away from this illicit affair will help to clarify what it is you actually want. you have to make a decision. There's no other way forward.

You get to keep your feelings whatever you decide to do. You just have to deal with them instead of making everyone else deal with them for you.

monicalewinski Sun 16-Feb-14 15:23:24

The reason the om seems more 'perfect' and makes you feel more special and loved etc is more than likely the star-crossed true love illusion.

You can't carry on as you are, you've already realised this - what you must not do is make a decision as one or the other (om or husband). You must make a decision based on going it alone.

Do you love your husband? Do you want to grow old with him?
Does your om lack anything that you want/desire - imagine you were with the om after leaving you husband, is there anything that you would desperately miss re your husband?

If you would be happier and lead a more fulfilled life separated from your husband, then you have your answer - the 'om' aspect and whether you end up with him or not is a separate issue (iyswim).

ageofgrandillusion Sun 16-Feb-14 15:29:22

Your life isn't a lie OP. Your husband's is. It's a mirage. The life he thinks he is living doesn't exist. For the love of god, don't ever tell him you have been shagging somebody else for 6 years. It will wreck his head and it is hard to know how he would ever get over knowing that the last 6 years of his life have been one big lie. If you want to do some damage limitation, either tell your husband you don't love him and want to split up. Only tell him precisely why if you want to torture him. Or alternatively, end it for good with the other man and spend the rest of your days making up to your husband.
The self absorbed tone of your posts suggests you will do neither of the above.

diddl Sun 16-Feb-14 15:31:45

"Neither of us is prepared to leave our children/family."


How big of you both!

Do your partners not deserve a choice??

Preciousbane Sun 16-Feb-14 15:36:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sortyourmakeupout Sun 16-Feb-14 15:42:30

Your bit on the side doesn't want to leave his wife to be with you.

He's sees you a slag probably and is happy to treat you as one getting his leg over whenever he wants then back to his wife.

If he wanted you he would be with you wouldn't he.

You should tell your husband so that he can leave you.

So why don't you do the decent thing and pick your self respect up off the floor, where you left it next to your knickers and do what's right.

Six years, Jesus. It's time to shit or get off the pot.

Owllady Sun 16-Feb-14 15:43:14

Can you seek counselling on your own? Talk this through with someone neutral?

BlueStones Sun 16-Feb-14 15:45:06

Constructive, sortyourmakeupout. How's life over in easy-black-and-white world?

FlatCapAndAWhippet Sun 16-Feb-14 15:45:41

6 years, all that deceit for 6 years, hells bells that's exhausting (amongst other things)!

How sad for your family.

expatinscotland Sun 16-Feb-14 15:46:53

Lol! If this were a man posting, you wouldn't see half theses posts for the red mists and ire.

gamerchick Sun 16-Feb-14 15:46:59

end your affair and then end your marriage. Find out who you are again.

your husband deserves to find somebody who'll love him and only him... not allowing that is selfish. Hes not a back up and it's not your call.

Or maybe he's got somebody on the side and is perfectly happy.. would that be ok with you?

Sortyourmakeupout Sun 16-Feb-14 15:47:29

Bluestones - it's fine thanks for asking.

Lavenderhoney Sun 16-Feb-14 15:49:27

It's taken you 6 years to work that out!

How sad for you, to have wasted that time. Stop seeing him and concentrate on your dh. And your dc.

OwlCapone Sun 16-Feb-14 15:52:26

Our marriage is, strangely as it may seem, happy.

How happy would it be if you told your H that you were shagging someone else?

You need choose one or the other and/or give your H the chance to decide if he wants to be with you or not. You clearly don't respect him at all.

Bluemonkeyspots Sun 16-Feb-14 15:54:16

Wow! 6 years. That is some level of deceit you are carrying out. Around 2000 days you have lied to your husband and father of your dc.

Either way you should leave him, I don't think you are a terrible person you probably have many nice qualities but this poor man really does deserve better.

alltoomuchnow Sun 16-Feb-14 15:57:00

Thanks for your replies, some more helpful to me than others. I did try and put a warning on the title thread.

Just to be clear, whilst I know that it's a given that some people will automatically judge me for what I've done, because of the nature of my "crime" my relationship with OM (and yes, it is a relationship albeit not in the eyes of some) isn't based upon some quick shag. If it was I wouldn't be posting here 6 years on.

I fully understand my situation. What I am struggling with hugely, desperately and at times almost suicidally is ending it.

Thank you for the advice that I've received. I appreciate it very much. If I appear self absorbed then I apologise for that too....perhaps it is because I am trying to sort this out.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: