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I've done a stupid thing

(37 Posts)
Fuzzyfeltrabbit Sun 16-Feb-14 12:54:17

My husband is glued to his technology - always has been.
For various reasons my self esteem is very low at the moment.
I decided to look at his iPad when he was out. Not because I don't trust him -because I do.
Actually I'm not really sure why I looked.
Anyway dh is a sahd to our LO, and neither of use have loads of friends. But because dh attends groups with out LO he has made friends with a mummy there! they meet for coffee once a week! and occasionally go to soft play etc together (our LO s are similar ages) I have met her once when we out and about together. She is younger than me and dh and seems nice enough.

Anyway, I went onto DBS Facebook account and saw that she is the person he chats to most on fb. I had a look at their conversation.
I am ashamed that I ever did it!
I saw a few things that have made me feel sick. (As I said my self esteem is very low right now and so I'm probably over reacting)

Dh told he has big news, she asked if I was pregnant (we are ttc but haven't told anyone) he replied - lol! No you have to have sex for that.

Now we do have sex! About 2-3 times a week - he always seemed happy with this but now I'm wondering is this not enough?? Or was it supposed to be a funny comment??

Also he has discussed having another baby with his friend and said he is not sure about it but that it's going to happen anyway..... Not what he said to me!! If anything he is more keen than me to have another child.

I'm > 35 so having another baby is not a certainty! I'm wondering now if that was just a throwaway comment too?

I wish I'd never looked at his iPad in the first place. It's made me feel so low! Can he not discuss these things with me?? I have no one in RL I can discuss this with. I am very shy, struggle to make friends and am at work all week so I dont meet anyone new to make friends with. I feel very lonely right now.

I'm not really sure what I am asking here to be honest.
I know I should have minded my own business and not been snooping! How do I talk to dh about this? Do I own up that I snooped?
Help!

DogsDontFly Sun 16-Feb-14 13:00:28

I personally wouldn't own up to snooping. Mostly because that will become the main issue and the actual problem will be sidelined. You could sit him down and say you need to talk about TTC. You have a feeling that his feelings may have changed on the subject and you want to make sure he's happy, as he seemed a little less keen lately. Take his response from there.

ageofgrandillusion Sun 16-Feb-14 13:01:07

It's not ideal is it? But it could have been worst. Sounds like bravado and bluster to me. Most men, when the missis is out of earshot so to speak, say things that - if missis could hear - they would not be happy with. What does this other woman look like? Is she pretty?

MuttonCadet Sun 16-Feb-14 13:07:33

I would own up, and then ask him, what the hell he thinks he's playing at discussing your sex life with another woman and making out it's worse than it actually is.

At least he didn't say that you didn't understand him....

MuttonCadet Sun 16-Feb-14 13:08:47

Oh, and you haven't done a stupid thing - he has!

pussycatdoll Sun 16-Feb-14 13:11:15

But because dh attends groups with out LO he has made friends with a mummy there! they meet for coffee once a week!
I'm not sure why you're surprised by this
He was never just going to sit & not talk to anyone was he?

Wishyouwould Sun 16-Feb-14 13:12:10

I agree with Mutton Discussing your sex life with another woman is unacceptable. I wonder if you snooped because you feel uneasy about this friendship?

ateddybearfromdelaware1 Sun 16-Feb-14 13:14:12

Seems like he fancies her and is putting your relationship down to seem available.

I would definitely confront him and he needs to think about what he really wants, he doesn't seem very commited.

ateddybearfromdelaware1 Sun 16-Feb-14 13:14:42

Seems like he fancies her and is putting your relationship down to seem available.

I would definitely confront him and he needs to think about what he really wants, he doesn't seem very commited.

Coconutty Sun 16-Feb-14 13:16:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleRayne Sun 16-Feb-14 13:19:04

It doesn't sound good.
It sounds like he is setting up a script ('we don't have sex' 'I don't feel sure about having another baby with this woman anyway=unhappy')
I'd be inclined to take photos of those posts.
And then start thinking about why your self-esteem is so low.

lunar1 Sun 16-Feb-14 13:19:45

I'm sure I'll be flamed for this but im wouldn't own up, I'd keep an eye on it. It sounds like he is starting to make out you marriage is stale etc. next thing you know he will be saying he is staying for your child.

I would want to know if he stops this in his own or if he lets it progress. He will hide the conversation if he knows you looked.

Handywoman Sun 16-Feb-14 13:21:38

Definitely agree, he is putting your relationship down in order to seem available.

I would tease out his thoughts on TTC and sex life. I wouldn't own up to snooping. As said above, it would give him ammo to sidestep the real issue which is why he is portraying himself in this way.

Handywoman Sun 16-Feb-14 13:22:50

Good idea re taking pics.

In meantime I would go on the pill.

livingzuid Sun 16-Feb-14 13:26:01

It is not on at all to discuss see life or lack of/lies with another woman in such a way. I go on to dh's fb all the time on his phone and he does mine. Nothing to do with Trust, just if one phone is charging or whatever. I'd be so hurt if I saw things like that.

What do you want to do about it? Is your relationship otherwise good? I would have to confront him about this and who cares about the fb if he has nothing to hide he shouldn't be concerned about it. Sorry you are going through this.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 16-Feb-14 13:28:36

In the first place I wonder why you felt compelled to look. Anything else been niggling at you?

Dh told he has big news, she asked if I was pregnant (we are ttc but haven't told anyone) he replied - lol! No you have to have sex for that.

Now we do have sex! About 2-3 times a week - he always seemed happy with this but now I'm wondering is this not enough?? Or was it supposed to be a funny comment??

About as funny as you FBing a male colleague and remarking you always say fondly to DH, "Oh never mind honey the best things come in small packages".

It's not very kind when the object of a conversation hears or reads what has been said in jest about an intimate matter. It doesn't mean they're up to something but I think if you are thinking of a DC2 you might want to check you're still in agreement about TTC.

Btw did you know what the big news was?

WallyBantersJunkBox Sun 16-Feb-14 13:29:10

I agree he sounds like he is setting up a "woe is me" scenario, starting with the lack of sex, having a baby forced on him....perhaps he'll tell her that you are forcing him out of his career aspirations next by keeping him home with a baby?

Forward the messages onto yourself so that you have a record.

I'd be having it out with him tbh, I wouldn't let it fester inside, or let that relationship develop into something else.

I'd also be thinking about getting his arse back to work and my dc off to a CM or nursery. When I was a SAHM my main task was caring for my DS and keeping the house up to scratch, not cultivating manipulative relationships with other men.

EllaFitzgerald Sun 16-Feb-14 13:30:55

I know snooping isn't a good thing, but if he's discussing (and lying about) your sex life with another woman and telling another friend that he doesn't want another child, then that most definitely is your business.

The first thing that pops into my head when he claimed that he wasn't having sex with you is that he wants this woman to think that your relationship isn't going well and that you aren't sleeping together. There's only one reason I can think of why someone would want to do this and it's not innocent. It's also in direct contrast to what he's said to his other (presumably male?) friend that having another baby is something that's going to happen whether he likes it or not.

I think you need to sit down, tell him what you've seen and ask him exactly what he thinks he's doing. If he gets angry and tries to turn it into an argument about you snooping, then keep calm and repeat that you want an explanation.

Handywoman Sun 16-Feb-14 13:42:54

Yes what was the big news?

FabULouse Sun 16-Feb-14 13:51:13

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FabULouse Sun 16-Feb-14 13:52:06

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Fuzzyfeltrabbit Sun 16-Feb-14 13:58:10

Thank you for the replies.

My head is reeling reading them all.

Oh the big news was just that my mum wasn't coming over (she comes once a week and drives dh mad)

My self esteem is low because because of a crappy year- I think I'm probably depressed. My toxic ILs turned on me shortly after the birth of our LO. Told me what a horrible person I was, made me feel like crap basically. And to be fair, dh stuck up for me at every step of the way, and we are now NC with them. Then my dad, who had been terminally I'll died, obviously I had the baby....it's been hard to manage all these things but my dh has been amazing throughout. He had help my hand and me when I've cried buckets, he tells me all the time how great I am, how much he loves me etc etc.

Pussycatdoll I didn't expect him to not talk to anyone. I am glad he is making friends, especially with people who also have babies our child's age...they will be her friends in the future and at school etc.
I was never a jealous person before this last year - I just don't feel like me anymore

Logg1e Sun 16-Feb-14 14:02:50

I wouldn't own up to sneaking and I wouldn't challenge him about the content.

I would take this as a warning shot across the bows. A heads up to reconnect with each other and regain the intimacy that is looking possible between the two of them.

Can you spend some time with him, when she's there?

ENormaSnob Sun 16-Feb-14 14:03:57

Was it a joint agreement for him to be a sahd?

badbaldingballerina123 Sun 16-Feb-14 15:33:12

There's no need to feel ashamed about snooping . Something made you look and by the sounds of it it's a good job you did .

I agree with others that he is deliberately portraying you and your marriage in a negative light for obvious reasons . It sounds like he's also been complaining about your mum .

I would feel horribly betrayed in your shoes . Your h is clearly setting the stage for an affair .

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