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Relationship with my mum is a weird one, what do you make of it?

(5 Posts)
Hotmad Sun 16-Feb-14 11:47:42

I'm in my 30's and I now have my first baby girl who is almost 3 months.
Bit of back history, she has had mental health problems prob all or most of her life, she suffered a sort of breakdown and was hospitalised when I was 15 and spent a few years recovering, during that time I think I had to guide myself and luckily due to good friends I didn't go astray, I wasn't pushed to do well in anything either but found a career myself by time I got to 20's. My dad is also so laid back that he was horizontal, smile
Since I've been grown up, I feel like I mother my mum, she always having worries or concerns mainly about nothing anyone else would worry for. I used to get angry at her, for not being my mother really, even though she is sweetest, kindest person ever and would do anything she could for me.
Since I've had baby she treads on egg shells
Around me, she won't ever say what she means or what she wants, I know she still manages with a mental health problem but I just want her to support me, to advise me those things that mothers do when u have a baby. The way my relationship is with her has made me independent, so much so that I now hate it when my DP seeks advice from his parents all the time and phones them almost daily.
I know this is not right but I'm ranting here as I have no one really I can get it off my chest too.
Makes me sad knowing my own mum won't just ever pop round, the way she acts like a distant relative in my home. Sorry for long rant.

NoMontagues Sun 16-Feb-14 12:45:50

Congratulations on your baby girl! Your story is similar to mine in several ways so I can relate. I have always "mothered" my mother, since I was very small. That was my role and the only way to have the relationship on an even keel so that's the way it's always been. She did give me lots and lots of practical help when my own DD was born but emotionally she has never been there, which was tough as I was on my own.
One thing I have had to face up to over the years is that someone can't give something they haven't got, and if so, while it's not fair on those depending on them, it's not their fault. You could involve your DM more maybe, so that she starts to feel more comfortable and lose the "eggshells" feeling, and allow her to develop a relationship with your DD. My DD's relationship with my DM has been hugely important to both of them, it's something that is independent of me in lots of ways, and it has given my DM a chance to have the sort of relationship that she missed having with her own DCs.
I haven't missed your point that you want your DM to act like a "proper" mum and that you need that at the moment and I don't know if there's a remedy for that particular lonely feeling. As a starting block, if your DM won't pop round maybe you could drop over to her with the baby instead, she might feel more confident on home turf?

Hotmad Sun 16-Feb-14 13:35:04

Thank you *m

Hotmad Sun 16-Feb-14 15:02:03

Thank you nomontagues for your reply. My mum is a smoker so I can't just go round there which is such a shame for us. It's my problem too but sometimes I snap at her as she frustrates me so much.

Hotmad Sun 16-Feb-14 21:53:30


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