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why can people not leave things in the past?

(32 Posts)
ThinkIMmad Sun 16-Feb-14 10:57:12

Bit annoyed although im trying in person not to show it, and trying to take it with a pinch of salt but getting increasingly fed up of comments of a certain ex of DHs. Im kind of guessing the sort of comments that ill get after reading similar posts in the past online but i just need a major rant.

It is a bit complicated ive been with DH 8 years since we were 21 i didnt know him in his teenage years but he went out with a girl for a couple of years from 16-18 think it was, they split up after she cheated on him with his friend. After a while they made up and the friend was seeing the ex (i dont think id of made friends with him anyway).

So a few months after i had been with DH it turned out a couple months before i met him he had slept with her behind his friends back. There was obviously a big fall out and we spilt up for a while more out of embarrasment on my part really im not botherd what he got upto generally in his past but i just felt like i was out of the loop kind of thing and having him telling me how upset he was over them cheating on him im surprised, i had mentioned on occasions that i thought she had some sort of crush on DH and he just shrugged it off. I also was worried he might have feelings for her i mean why would you sleep with an ex if thers no feelings there unless it was for revenge.. All this was spoke about to DH and he reassured me he was drunk and he regretted it straight away bla bla bla.

Obviously we did get back together and his friend and the ex stayed together and moved away and started a family never really heard from them for years but couple years ago the friend moved back and they had split up apparently she had cheated on him (what a surprise) dh and him made up again and have been friens since although wouldnt say best friends or anything more assosiates since they have mutual friends. At christmas the friend went to stay with her and kids and they got back together this is dispite him having a lovely girlfriend who as heartbroken by all accounts. Now hes sorted her an house out a couple of streets away from us and are moving in during half term, likely hood the kids will be going same school as my kids. I know im sounding really petty but i cannot stand this woman i never liked her to start with as much as i tried been friendly with her years ago she was always making digs such as my dh cannot keep relationships and she had been his longest relationship etc etc i just felt really intimidated by her at times this was 8 years ago and i did tell dh at the time who in fairness distances us from the a little until it came out about him sleeping with her and we never had anything to do with them at all.

So last week they had been to look at this house and they called in on us, first time in nearly 8 years dh had any contact with her and she was trying to all sweetness and light then said to me i cant believe you 2 are still together maybe she was been nice and i took it wrong way but it was way she said it then she was trying to make small talk with DH who tbh looked like he wanted to go hide. Ive told him i dont want her at our house thers no need for it and i dont know why either the friend or his gf would want to. DH agrees and said he will make no contact with them but its going to be so hard with them so close. I mean i dont want to come across as been jealous and bitter thers just something about her ive never liked, ive seen his other exs and i havent any problems with although they arent acting like they want to be best friends.

I just think the whole situation is weird why they want to socialise is beyond me

ThinkIMmad Sun 16-Feb-14 11:06:45

god ive read this back and i sound like a dithering idiot. Feel mad withmyself for letting this bother me. I mean we are a very happy couple and family so why should i let this bother me? i feel like kicking myself sad

WhateverTrevor83 Sun 16-Feb-14 12:09:46

I'm not surprised she makes you feel uncomfortable - she sounds like a silly bitch! And a game player! And she can't seem to keep her knickers on. Haha.

I would keep a dignified silence if I were you. If you're potentially going to bump in to her I'd keep it light and smiley but in no way instigate or encourage conversation or contact. You don't want her thinking you are threatened by her so avoid sulking or being cold towards her.

I'd explain to DH this is someone who has abused the trust of both him and his friend in the past, and while his friend obviously has to have her in his life as they have children - you don't see why either of you have to have much to do with her beyond passing the time of day.

If you and DH agree now what the plan is in terms of managing being potentially near by to her, and stick together on it, then you should be fine. She would no doubt love to ruffle your feathers and seems to want all the boys to want her. It's pretty sad that she is still behaving like she is a teenager and she sounds very insecure!

Rise above it and remember DH is with you and that she is in his past - and she messed it up!

Good luck xxx

Meerka Sun 16-Feb-14 12:43:42

agreed with whatever .. she sounds like she's just Trouble. Plays games, etc etc. I can pretty well guarentee she doesnt genuinely like you but is trying to be friendly now becuase you're convenient and later down the road, she'll be stirring shit one way or another.

I think you're both right, keep things very much at arms length. smiley, like whatever says, but in no way close ... and I woudlnt be at all surprise if she tries it on with your husband

AndTheBandPlayedOn Sun 16-Feb-14 13:22:12

Yep, agree with the previous posters. Start now, practicing the many ways of saying "no" to her inevitable attempts to presume too much and consider herself your (you and dh) "friend".

You know the game, the only way to win is to not play. Ever. Not even during the holidays. Not even helping out with kids. If the children want to be friends, that is their choice and would probably be ok. But it does not follow that the mums need be friends too.

She can paint it like you are the one with "a problem" all she wants, ok? That is just not be manipulated by it. Other people will discover her character on their own.

Keep a journal for venting (or vent here). It will help you coach yourself into an attitude of complete though she was a mere acquaintance, a nod hello in the street...if you notice her.

You are not a dithering idiot. This would bother anyone. I am glad your dh is concerned and a on your side.

Hissy Sun 16-Feb-14 13:23:48

I'm just wondering how on earth one could ever say "I can't believe you two are still together" in a well-meaning way.

You were right to call her out on that, and at least you've sent the message to stay away from you both.

More fool the bloke she's with for going back to her. That won't last!

Sortyourmakeupout Sun 16-Feb-14 13:26:53

I think someone is shitting themselves that her husband might go behind his friends back again and this time, yours.

I think if this woman had not been shagged by your husband, you wouldnt have a problem with her.

all you have to go on is hearsay about why they split up.

your husband shagged her 8 yrs ago, I think its time to move on dont you. Your post sounds a little bit childish. You cant really tell your husband who he can and cant be friends with.

ThinkIMmad Sun 16-Feb-14 21:36:21

Thanks ladies for getting where im coming from, im lucky that DH feels the same and doesnt want her in our lives. I cant understand his friend for taking her back again and again but then again hes no saint but he had such a beautiful lovely girlfriend totallly opposite to her and finished to get back with her.

And no im not shitting myself i just feel very uncomfortable round her i always did even before i knew about them sleeping together 8 years ago. I know he wouldnt go back there but i do agree with a pp that she probilly would try something given chance.

And i may not have full control who my husband is friends with but i can sure as hell decide who comes in my house and its not going to be some sour faced ex with her little digs and her mucky looks. I have no problem with anyone else who hes been with in fact i know a couple of his exs and it doesnt bother me in the slightest, he knows a couple of mine aswell its just life weve all got a past. Maybe it is me with the problem over her and maybe i am acting childish but hey ho as much as i dont want to be feeling like this i cant seem to help it atm

Sortyourmakeupout Sun 16-Feb-14 21:41:55

Then say it to her. Tell her she is not welcome in your house and that you wont be rekindling any friendship.

as your husband feels the same, thats where it ends.

Best of luck op.

ThinkIMmad Sun 16-Feb-14 21:47:44

the thing is though i dont want her knowing shes got to me i know thats my silly problem.

Also i cant for the life of me understand why they would randomly just knock at my door unanounced, like i said my DH and her bf are friends again now but not close hes been to our house once and that was only to drop a christmas card off, feel like there was some hidden agenda

Sortyourmakeupout Sun 16-Feb-14 22:12:48

To be honest, I wouldn't want her to know either and I dont think your being silly.

Thinking about whether there's a hidden agenda or not is not worth your head space. Just dont engage with her at all if you feel she has one. Easier said than done tho' if her kids go to the same school as yours.

as your husband is on the same page as you it wont take her long to get the message.

ThinkIMmad Sun 16-Feb-14 22:21:14

i will try my very best to stop letting it get to me smile

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 17-Feb-14 10:42:44

I don't think you're being silly or childish either. Sometimes when you've not thought about people for ages they pop up and you have to deal with them again... it's annoying but you can manage this. She sounds very needy x

Jan45 Mon 17-Feb-14 15:37:51

You don't like this person, your reasons are valid, your home is yours and if you don't want said person over the door then that's how it is, the only reason she wants to weasel in is probably to cause trouble, she sounds like she's only happy when she is causing drama.

You are perfectly entitled to decide who you want to be friends with. I'm sure she will get over it, it's not you she's after.

ThinkIMmad Mon 17-Feb-14 16:06:25

Yep thanks smile Well we shall see how it goes but im going try my best to let it go over my head.

ThinkIMmad Sat 22-Feb-14 22:57:08

Well i was going to leave this thread now after the fab advice i got but feeling a little bit crap about it again, shes only gone and send DH a friend request on fb hes declined but shes sent a message asking why, hes told her because its inopropriate and she basically said that hes pussy whipped by me, he showed me the messages so ive got him to block her.
Shes not contacted me but ive blocked her anyway. I cant believe im been drawn into these high school dramas, as much as i want to just let it go over my head shes actually really annoyed me again

Viviennemary Sat 22-Feb-14 23:02:55

She sound like huge trouble. Just avoid her. If she won't take the hint would you be able to say something along the lines 'We would rather not continue with this friendship'. And let her make of that what she will. It would be difficult and not sure if I could do this but I think it needs to be done. And if you don't you might wish you had later on. You absolutely did the right thing to block her.

ThinkIMmad Sat 22-Feb-14 23:08:10

The plan is to try and distance himself from his friend will be hard with mutual friends, DH has decided this off his own back and will be honest with him if hes questioned about it. I guess my concern is her knowing shes got to me.

They may be about to move very close but i doubt the kids will be going to my kids school as apparently they are full up, pheew

EllaFitzgerald Sat 22-Feb-14 23:54:38

She's very persistent, isn't she? I'm not sure I'd have the front to ask someone why they'd declined a friend request. And that she's blaming you rather than crediting him with the ability to make his own decisions speaks volumes.

I don't blame you for not wanting to have her in your home. If she makes any attempt to contact you, I'd just politely say that you and your DH prefer to leave the past exactly where it is.

ThinkIMmad Sun 23-Feb-14 02:31:47

I think she's more than persistant think she's a bunny boiler which is quite worrying. Can't understand why her bf doesn't have a problem with this considering history

TetrisBlock Sun 23-Feb-14 08:26:58

I feel for you, have been in a very similar situation with someone who sounds just like this woman.

DH had an ex as a teenager and we have now returned to the area he grew up. She is married with a child but has consistently cheated on her husband and I instantly disliked the way she behaved around my husband. We bumped into her on a night out and she did not say one word to me although she knew who I was. She would wait until my back was turned and then almost run towards dh and drape herself over him and then slink off again as soon as I came back. A normal person would just introduce themselves surely.

We laughed about it at the time but she then followed up with text messages, saying they needed to catch up, inviting herself round to see our baby etc and just would not let it go when DH didn't text her back. I rang her husband in the end, apologising for DH not texting her back but saying he had only just realised whose number it was and saying we would love to get together ASAP. Obviously he knew nothing about the messages and they stopped after that. She did recently message him again actually as he has a construction business and she needed some work doing (I bet! grin) but he has sent a short reply saying he was very busy at the moment. Hopefully the message has been received.

Ignore, ignore, ignore! You have done the right thing by blocking them and not engaging and I'm glad you have him on side. And if you can, involve her partner. He could do with knowing what is going on too.

ThinkIMmad Sun 23-Feb-14 12:14:20

TetrisBlock OMG they seem very alike im glad im not the only one who has been upset in this situation. Sounds like a good call telling her husband. We could maybe tell her boyfriend but not sure what good that would do hes the one who brought her to our house he knows exactly what shes like after been with her 10 or so years on and off they are both as bad as each other tbh with there lack of morals

Chottie Sun 23-Feb-14 14:43:15

She sounds horrible and as if she can't bear to see anyone else happy.

The comment she made about you and your DP still being together, was right out of order. There is only one way that comment could be taken. You are wise to be wary of her, she sounds very devious.

Meerka Sun 23-Feb-14 15:14:42

I think that unfortunately you're going to end up running into her again and she certainly won't object to stirring some mischief. At a guess, rumourmongering.

It would be wise to be sure to communicate with your husband over -every- contact with her. Keeping on the same page will helpyou stand strong against any trouble, if it does come.

Also, this may very well be looking too much on the black side but once she's found her feet a little bit don't be 100% surprised if she starts some rumours about you / him or telling your friends some stories. I could be being paranoid tho =)

Either way just nod and smile at her friendly and distant as and when you do see her.

ThinkIMmad Mon 24-Feb-14 06:40:10

Thanks, yer I am expecting to bump into her at some point its a small town its bound to happen. I also agree I'm sure somewhere down the line someone will say something about her stirring and spreadinf roumors. We have nothing to hide though with a bit of luck our mutual friends know what she's like

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