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I am ready.

(6 Posts)
Twoandabit Sat 15-Feb-14 19:54:45

I can't live feeling like this for any longer, I've only acknowledged it for 4 years but it's draining me more and more everyday. Since DD it's become worse.
Whilst in Turkey (I can't believe I just 'said' the place) when I was 12, two men befriended me; giving me cigarettes, alcohol, attention that I had never had/thought about having before. Short man was around 21 and Flat face was around 35.
One night, I found myself on my own, in a dark stairwell of the hotel with the two men and gritting my teeth in pain, sobbing.
I sat on a grass verge for a long time (but a long time is not that long when you're younger, is it?) and noticed I'd wet myself as my trousers started to cool.
I went back to the apartment, with blood spots on my wet trousers and seen my mum. My mum is so maternal and loving, I love her to the maximum.
I went to sleep and until 18 years of age I didn't acknowledge anything. It just didn't happen, don't think of it.
Between 16 and 19 I was in a relationship with a man eleven years older than me, who wasn't very nice to me. He was the first person that I told and used to abuse me mentally about it, amongst other things.
I then had my amazing DD (I'm not with her dad anymore) and ever since then, I can literally feel the flashbacks, thoughts and feelings eating away at me. I think everyday how much I'd love to just wake up and not think about it. Everything triggers it off, near enough. I can't cope with hearing the term.
The reason I'm posting is because a) I need help, anything really. b) my brother knows as I remember talking to him on the plane, yet he says nothing. I feel resentment towards him, but feel guilty because, what could he do? c) I have met this really nice guy but my experience and negative thoughts towards men in that way is stopping anything from going further because I just can't.. Well take it to that next level.

Sorry and thanks

twofingerstoGideon Sat 15-Feb-14 20:24:24

Sorry to hear what happened to you and that people who should have supported you, like your ex, chose to use this against you instead. I really hope you get the support you deserve now.

You can contact Rape Crisis even though this happened a long time ago.

Good luck, OP. x

RandomMess Sat 15-Feb-14 20:26:18

You really need specialist help, I am sorry for what you have experienced, both the rape and the lack of support x

SomethingOnce Sat 15-Feb-14 21:40:15

Yes, you need to talk to somebody. Don't carry it alone.

Call the organisation twofingerstoGideon linked to as soon as you feel able.

ohfourfoxache Sat 15-Feb-14 21:47:09

Oh my god Two <hugs> you've carried this all this time?

No advice I'm afraid, but please contact the organisation linked in two's post

I'm so sorry. You don't have to carry this burden alone thanks

frogslegs35 Sat 15-Feb-14 23:12:58

Firstly big hugs for you and secondly, well done for taking the steps needed to deal with this and move forward. You don't need to apologise, you've got nothing to be sorry for.

I, like you, didn't feel the need to get help until I had my Dc. It hit me like a train one day and continued until I couldn't deny it had happened anymore.
My first stop was my GP. He was brilliant and got me referred for counselling. I also used Rape crisis, please do follow the link above and contact them. I found them very helpful.

Please do ignore anything that your sick ex said to you. He was/is a bastard to use it against you. Your no longer with him and no longer have to listen to his poison, this is a huge positive.

Your brother - I get the resentment towards him, I really do but maybe he won't talk because he feels guilty that he couldn't help you.

With the new guy - take your time. You say he's nice so would he be happy to remain friends and just see how it goes.

I wish you the very best and hope you get the help and support that you need and deserve. thanks

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