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honesty or security?

(15 Posts)
Meow2014 Sat 15-Feb-14 12:26:13

i'm about to let my bf move in - but i don't love him, not in the way one should.

how it began...my husband of 20 years left me and our 3 kids left me 3 years ago, blimey was it really that long? It broke me, I mean really broke me. He had suffered a huge midlife crisis and also left us financially buggered. 6 months later I had an affair at work, sadly with a married man...now my bf. At the time I was a mess, mentally and emotionally, I think it was the need to be loved and I only expected it to be a brief fling - but he told his wife after 3 weeks.

So there I was, ruined in many ways and had gone and done something I never dreamt I'd do. Guilt was (is) something that became a huge factor in my life.

Since then I've had an extremely on/off relationship with my bf...the bumps were extreme, with him threatening to kill himself at one point. He loves me to the point of obsession and over the years I've got tired of trying to end it - only to be chased and have let him back in (doofus eh).

He's a completely different type of man to my husband, sensitive, highly intelligent and we do share a lot in common - however, he is also manipulative and possessive.

During this time I have been made redundant, but found a new job, which although I love is highly stressful and my lack of confidence - something that was stripped from me way back, doesn't help.

I've been successful in buying a house with my parents help and from the remnants of what was left from the financial mess my husband got us in. It meant so much - being able to keep a roof over the kids heads. My husband (we are not divorced yet) hasn't work in years (nor does he claim any benefit so no option of csa) and not paid me any maintenance either...so it is just my income that supports the family.

However a few financial hiccups have meant that I cannot afford the house and bills by myself, ironically I earn too much to warrant any help. The house was a bargain and it is in a nice area, selling and buying a cheaper house is not an option.

So, my dilemma - my bf has a good job and could solve my problems by moving in. If I were honest I would much rather go it alone. But I am starting to go under with the financial costs. There is only so much I want my parents to help with, I don't want to be a burden on them, they help me so much already.

At 47, I feel I'm old and overweight, not so attractive anymore - who would want me anyway (doofus again eh).

I'm in a position where I feel I am settling for security over love - but the cost is living with someone who drives me nuts at times.

I've been very honest with my bf and let him know that whilst I love him (more as a friend), I am worried that it is the financial side of things that are letting me persuade myself to move him in.

I know I could say go - and believe me I have tried, even recently, but he keeps coming back and I find it extremely difficult to completely stop any contact.

Crikey - sorry for the extremely long garble.

Advice is warmly welcome. x

WhateverTrevor83 Sat 15-Feb-14 12:51:28

I understand (trust me) about money concerns - but money isn't the right motivation for someone moving in. Could you let out a room or something instead for extra £?
If you don't feel ready/like you love him - don't do it. Really, it's easy to get them in... And difficult to get them out x

GingerMaman Sat 15-Feb-14 12:54:27

You sound like you will end up regretting it, so don't do it. If he is manipulative, it could be a huge disaster!

Can you take a lodger in/let out a room?

Auntimatter Sat 15-Feb-14 12:58:08

Get a lodger.
Do a budget and cut back on non-essentials.
See if you can extend your mortgage term and lower your monthly payments (worth a try though they may say no).
Get a second job.
If your children are older teenagers send them out to work to contribute to the family finances.

DO NOT LET THIS MAN MOVE IN. He sounds awful, frankly, and you need a bit of stability.

ninah Sat 15-Feb-14 12:59:12

security
Don't let him move in. Becoming financially dependent to a man you don't isn't a good move, and nor is it a secure one. You know that though, don't you?

ninah Sat 15-Feb-14 12:59:52

a man you don't like

PleaseNoScar Sat 15-Feb-14 13:06:43

This is a train wreck waiting to happen. Don't do that to your kids.

handfulofcottonbuds Sat 15-Feb-14 13:09:32

Since then I've had an extremely on/off relationship with my bf...the bumps were extreme, with him threatening to kill himself at one point. He loves me to the point of obsession and over the years I've got tired of trying to end it

There's your answer right there Meow

mealornomeal Sat 15-Feb-14 13:13:26

You don't want him there do you? By the sounds of it you don't even want him in your life - he's manipulative, possessive, and you've tried to cut contact with him before - there's no way you want him living with you!

Why is selling and buying somewhere smaller/cheaper not an option? You way the house was a bargain, so maybe you'd get a lot more for it now?

teaandthorazine Sat 15-Feb-14 13:31:48

Good grief, whatever you do don't move him in! The last thing you need is to become financially beholden to a manipulative man.

I'd end the relationship completely tbh. It sounds like a rebound fling that's got out of hand (btdt, wish to god I'd had MN then to talk some sense into me). It will just drag you down further if you keeping struggling on with it. You know you'll be fine on your own, you'd rather be on your own - do it!

Threats to kill themselves are only ever that, just threats. Don't be taken in.

ScottishPies Sat 15-Feb-14 14:06:03

Don't let him move in - you know it is a bad idea.

A lodger is a gd idea there's a v gd website which advertises rooms to rent - i'll get the link (on phone at moment)

Also, think again about borrowing money from parents - i'm 43 and have been living back with my parents since Dec after combination of leaving my job, selling my hse and relationship ending.

I feel a massive amount of guilt about interupting their life. They have also leant me money and i feel bad about this too, but know that they are happy to lend me it and it doesn't stop them living their life.

I really struggle living with them in the house and often go for drives just to get some head space.

I was planning to move to my partners city and start a new life there - but thats all over now. My life is totally up in the air all my plans have collapsed.

I realise that having a safe secure home where you can shut the door on the world is a very precious thing. Don't loose that by living with someone you don't like (its hard enough living with someone you do like!).

Meow2014 Sat 15-Feb-14 14:15:35

wow, thank you for all the advice. To answer some of the practical questions: Lodger is no go -no room. I've already at back on budget. Selling is not an option, I'd gain nothing financially. My Son works and contributes , but he's an apprentice. Getting another job is tricky as weekends are my only op to wind down and also keep on top of housework. The kids are fine with him, although I realise its not the best of relationships as a benchmark for them to look upon.

lf I'm honest (which writing this post has enabled me to be) the sensible thing is to not let him move in. However, I know that life is going to be very bleak for a long time. Its for my kids really that I'm an thinking of, and yes myself too-selfishly. I want to be able to exist not in luxury, but at least able to have some disposable income for crisises.

I know what I've written may make him seem awful, when he does have redeeming qualities . I wish l could turn back time. I'd love to be the happy person I was. Anyway enough of the self pity (doofus) cheers ladies x

arsenaltilidie Sat 15-Feb-14 14:52:27

It would be a stupid decision to move in with him, without being rude but essentially you will be prostituting yourself just to pay for your house.

You have 3 choices:
Buy a house you can afford.
Ask your parents for help.
Get a lodger/work more hours.

I hope his EX has moved on but knows the relationship has been hard for him and you have finally dumped.

teaandthorazine Sat 15-Feb-14 15:05:14

How old are your kids?

Is your current home under threat of repossession?

If your house was a bargain, and is in a nice area, why would you gain nothing financially by moving to a smaller house in, perhaps, a not-quite-as-lovely area? I must admit to being a bit dense on these matters as I don't own myself but surely you wouldn't lose out?

I can understand that financial hardship is depressing and worrying. I would suggest, however, that it's preferable to living in a relationship that you don't really want to be in, and effectively making yourself financially dependant on him.

Joysmum Sat 15-Feb-14 16:48:24

I too think you're making a massive mistake, but if you do go ahead then go to a solicitor and get (I forget the name) a legal document for him to sign stating he will have no claim on your property if you split up. VERY IMPORTANT TO PROTECT YOURSELF wink

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