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This isn't normal, is it? (sex)

(61 Posts)
thecircleline Sat 15-Feb-14 10:36:15

Don't know how to put this so am just going to be blunt; when we DTD, I feel like I am in bed with my brother (or something like that). Not turned on in the slightest. And it's not for lack of attention or technique. What is wrong with me?!

He's my best friend and everything else is great. I don't want to chuck away a brilliant relationship over this one thing. Am on the pill but that's not the problem.

How can I fix this?

akawisey Sat 15-Feb-14 10:39:08

How long have you been together and how long has it been like this? Have you talked about it with him?

thecircleline Sat 15-Feb-14 10:43:00

3 years... A while - it's a bit up and down.

No, I wouldn't know what to say...

akawisey Sat 15-Feb-14 10:44:53

A bit up and down is usual in established relationships. Do you fancy him when you see him across a room, that kind of thing?

thecircleline Sat 15-Feb-14 10:48:05

I'm so used to him I find it hard to tell! But yes, I think so. In a loving 'you're cute' way as opposed to 'wow, you're really hot'. Although occasionally I do think he looks really delish - so maybe that's a good sign? So much of sex is psychological isn't it? I don't want to feel like this! Do other people get this too then? It just seems wrong

akawisey Sat 15-Feb-14 10:57:16

Sex is linked to other areas of your life - is he behaving more like a brother in other areas which is affecting how attracted you are to him sexually? Other people do go through this, of course they do, but I don't think it's possible to generalise.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 15-Feb-14 11:05:00

I think when you say 'best friend' that's your problem. Best friends don't necessarily make for lovers. I had the hots once for a man I used to work with. We were perfect for each other and had a great friendship and connection, but then I snogged him and, to my eternal disappointment, there was nothing. No sexual spark whatsoever. It was like kissing my granny.

I don't think you can 'fix' absence of spark. Sorry

thecircleline Sat 15-Feb-14 11:10:37

I'm not sure. What is behaving more like a brother as opposed to a partner?

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Sat 15-Feb-14 11:12:08

Being on the pill can totally kill your sex drive. How do you feel about other men, do you fancy them? I mean in a 'could imagine shagging' kind of way.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 15-Feb-14 11:15:16

What distinguishes a brother or best friend from a partner is sexual attraction. QED hmm

thecircleline Sat 15-Feb-14 11:18:16

That's a difficult one. I find other men attractive/sexy looking, and notice this, yes - but I don't ever really find myself thinking about shagging someone until I actually know them.

akawisey Sat 15-Feb-14 11:19:50

I mean some relationships start out all bells and whistles sexually but evolve over time into something which feels quite different. If that were the case it might not be all doom and gloom.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 15-Feb-14 11:24:58

Other men are not your concern right now. A good relationship requires a degree of honesty. If things aren't right in an important area of a relationship and you're concealing your true feelings because he's a good mate and you don't want to cause any upset, then you're not really being honest. You can live with it for now which is fine but, if nothing changes, you're going to find it increasingly difficult that something's missing. It's not his fault but I think he might be the one that ends up suffering...

thecircleline Sat 15-Feb-14 11:26:55

I know, but what on earth can I say?! Things were good at the beginning and I just wish I could get that back.

DiscoBiscuits Sat 15-Feb-14 11:34:12

Being on the pill destroyed my sex drive. I had no idea how much until I came off it to TTC the difference was a revelation to me (and him!)
Is using another form of contraception and option?

maleview70 Sat 15-Feb-14 11:35:08

If you feel like this now, it will get worse until you hardly sleep together anymore.

thecircleline Sat 15-Feb-14 11:53:00

I don't know but I feel awful sad how on earth do you ever find someone who checks all the boxes?!

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Sat 15-Feb-14 12:07:15

I didn't mean to suggest that you should consider shagging elsewhere btw; just trying to establish whether it's just your DP who you don't feel sexually attracted to, or whether it's a wider issue of a drop-off in your libido.

thecircleline Sat 15-Feb-14 12:13:13

No I don't think it's a wider issue. Possibly a c

thecircleline Sat 15-Feb-14 12:15:18

Sorry posted too soon.

Possibly a fear of commitment thing.

The thought of leaving and starting again is scary. It would feel like taking 10 steps backwards. Also, we're in London, so it would mean moving back into a shared house :s I don't even know who I am any more without him, and can't imagine the type of guy I would be better suited with!

DameFanny Sat 15-Feb-14 12:16:41

How do you feel if you have a really good sniff of his skin just where the ear joins the neck? It's a good way of getting a quick hit of the pheromones he's putting out - might wake up that part of you that's going on automatic?

thecircleline Sat 15-Feb-14 12:22:39

Ha, yeah I'll try that.

Actually, I have talked to him about it before, but I put it as 'I'm worried we're more friends than anything'. He took it pretty well but I don't think he feels that's way, although he says he understands what I mean. But there's not exactly much he can do about it, is there, it's all in my head. There is of course also the argument that friendship is a pretty good basis for marriage?

Auntimatter Sat 15-Feb-14 12:23:27

Why are you jumping to "I've got to leave him"?

If things used to be good, then you went on the pill and moved in together, and now they're less sexy, that doesn't seem to be the obvious thing to try.

What about coming off the pill & using something else, doing sexy stuff that isn't in bed, trying something a bit different. All the usual stuff that people who are a bit bored in the bedroom try.
Are you on any other medication? That might be having an effect also.

justiceofthePeas Sat 15-Feb-14 12:31:34

Are you suffering any external stress? Do you find when you are in bed you are not actually concentrating and your mind is wandering?

You may be suffering reduced libido due to stress?

Also, if he isn't there / you have not DTD for a bit do you feel any need for release? Or do you ever get aroused when he is not about?

I.e. if you never feel like it then it is likely the problem is not your level of attraction to him but if you do feel aroused right up until he gets involved then that relates to how you see him...could be you just don't fancy him or it could be you are harboring resentment about something.

akawisey Sat 15-Feb-14 12:35:13

That's why I asked about the quality of your relationship OP rather than focussing everything upon you. It's just a different way of approaching the dilemma.

I'm beginning to think you're quite young and maybe commitment means 'settling for less' in some way. Just a thought. Chuck it if it doesn't fit.

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