Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
think I'm done(208 Posts)
I've posted several times before. have been in relationship with partner 6 years. three kids between us. mine the youngest at 11. it was his 50th yesterday. wouldn't tell me what he wanted to do so I arranged a childfree night in a posh hotel complete with lovely spa. this was to be followed by an action packed weekend with various activities chosen by each child. he knew the kids have planned the remainder of the weekend. last night we were away and it was a terrible . he didnt want to go that was clear. wouldnt come to spa, sat playing on free wifi. evening meal spent texting his daughter. he admitted he would rather be at home, didnt want to be away from kids. I apologised said the arrangements had been made with the best intentions. made no difference. beautiful old hotel on top of a hill so very noisy last night with the winds. he hasn't slept. we were up at 7.30 no breakfast as I couldnt face the silence. got home and hes gone straight to bed, didnt even acknowledge the kids work decorating the house ready for a family party tonight. I've prepped the party whilst he has slept but to be honest I don't want a party. I feel hurt that all the hard work arranging this was swept aside. his mind was made that it wasn't something he wanted and he wasn't going to enjoy it.
this all comes on top of ongoing issues with his behaviour towards my daughter, it feels like the nail in the coffin.
I'm frightened of leaving our home, of starting again, being alone, the upset and distress which is ahead of me. I'm frightened that this is somehow my fault, that I've already damaged my daughter beyond repair, I'm frightened of the size of the mess that I'm in. How do I do this without speaking to him? I need to sell a house which is in joint names, we will have to live here together until its sold, there's no way he will move out.
I can't just leave- where would I go? how would I pay rent and a mortgage? I will need to stay at the house until it sells. I can do that once I have made sure he knows there is no way back. Thats the bit I'm struggling with.
Other people do it, love
What is so different about you (not meant nastily). What is so different about him
if you are worried he will take it out on you/your dd if you split that is even more a reason to leave
don't buy into the sunk cost fallacy, the more you keep trying because of the history does not improve the chances of it working out...it just means more wasted years (and more poor examples for your dd)
Go see a solicitor. Make it official. He cannot stop you. You have free will.
Ah, there it is. These are all perfectly normal and rational concerns and of course you are worried about it all.
Let's put it into perspective. The relationship is over. At some point you will separate. You can put that off for years if you like but it won't make the leaving any easier. You will still have to go through that process and face all the difficulties that you have listed.
So, what is the advantage in going sooner rather than later? Your own happiness, freedom from this toxic environment and, very importantly, being a fantastic role model to your daughter, responding to her needs and showing her that a woman does not have to live like that.
Make the decision. Be firm in your mind about what it is you want and then we will help you work out how to get it.
Those are all very understandable fears. They have been experienced by many of the women who post here, and who left anyway, and are now much happier for it (including me).
You CAN do it.
You will be so proud of yourself. And so much happier.
Thanks you Fairenuff. How do I deal with going home tonight? I feel I have to say something, even if its I can't go on like this.
You've already said that in your letter OP.
If you want to talk, I would ask him his thoughts on the letter. Like I said, I would pretty much stay silent and let him talk for once.
FWIW Idon't think your daughter is damaged by this at the moment , but now you are aware of it is there anything you can do so that she doesn't become damaged in the future?
When I had to leave my H (after35years married) I had all your fears that I couldn't cope. I had only worked very part time since we had got married and for the 5 years leading up to my leaving had only worked for him, so if I left I would have no home and no income and he had spent 35 years telling me(among other things) I was useless and couldn't cope without him,
I confided in one friend and she helped my get a good solicitor, it is amazing how having a person who helps you see that what you have been led to believe by DP really isn't the truth and that there are plenty of ways that you have access to income that you won't have even thought of. I am 54 and haven't always found it easy, but have people in my life that I didn't even know before and the peace of not living with the tension and fear of H is so valuable I can't begin to help you understand how lovely that is.
Please get a good friend/WA/solicitor to help you stop your mind wandering and worrying and make the tiny steps you need to take to change this situation.((((Hugs))))
If you feel you must talk to him, can you talk about the best way to split up? who will leave the house who will stay, will you have to sell or can you keep it going?
Maybe not talk about changes that can be made or whether his behaviour is right or wrong. keep the discussion to where you go from here now you know its over?
Op - he is ignoring you, trashes your attempts to do lovely things for him, sees no reason to alter his routine, even with you sitting at home waiting to talk to him... I think I'd access some of that anger you had earlier.
When he comes home, ask him to give you an explanation, tell him you are worth more, and tell him you are splitting up. it sounds like he thinks if he keeps quiet and his head down, that it will all blow over - he needs to realise that this time it's not. You have things to sort out, solicitors need to be involved, beds to be allocated, money split.
He is an arse - I thought, on reading your OP that he has no respect for you, no love, no thought or gratitude. I still think that. Better off alone.
No sorry the very fact that masturbation was mentioned and explained away with i am ok with it is in its self affirmation of the fact. She is not stating her opinion on the matter more than she is affirming permission which brings me back to my first point of ownership .
Fairenuff Pink may have wrong thread but masturbation is relevant seeing as OP's bloke is a bit of a wanker... tish, boom
I just can't speak to him. He is trying to be nice but I just keep thinking its too late. I feel so awful (and I know logically that this isn't accurate) but I look at him and see how upset he is- its really sad. Emotionally I just don't think he is capable, I honestly don't think this is malicious or a way of keeping me in my place, I think he just can't do it no matter how much he thinks he loves me. For whatever reason he cannot share his emotions.
He has arranged a baby sitter tonight so that in his words he can 'apologise to me properly' and talk. Too little too late but it will bring it all to a head tonight.
You will feel better tomorrow.
When he starts to pull at your heart strings tonight just remember where you were at when you wrote you OP - how much love and effort you (and the kids) put into organising a lovely weekend of celebrations for him and how he didn't give a toss and was happy to ruin it all.
Remember how dismissive of your feeling he was/is!
Remember how he turned away from you all.
Remember the ongoing unresolved issues with your DD.
You have to come to this point before he will start to try and even listen to you - and he probably isn't even listening, he's trying desperate damage limitations right now.
Work on the feeling of detachment re the relationship and the exhaustion that comes from walking on eggshells around him - it is your friend.
I can feel you 'caving in' from here.
Please stay strong.
It really is too little to late and just keep thinking about what your DD said and what will be best for her.
Can you get out and stay with your family again for a while until you get things sorted out?
Surely better than staying around the house with this grumpy manchild.
It's took five days to get the to point where he is telling you what he is going to talk to you about this 'apologising properly'
I've read all the thread and I can here the 'suspended anxcious' living in your posts.
When you leave the relief will be immense, it will spur you on. Eventually you will fee liberated and have a sense of light freedom that you can only imagine at the moment.
Think about your daughter, and you ex H. It. Makes me shudder to think he is doing to take you out tonight and you are supposed to be wined and dined maybe and expected to just accept it.
When I reconciled with my DH following a separation all my friends said where is the big gesture, the apology..NO I needed to hear that he understood where we had got to and his part in it all before we could fix it, flowers n shite are a cop out. I think it is past an explanation.
btw when I read first few posts thought is he having an online emotional affair, internet the texting....he is not present in your life he is elsewhere.
Sending you strength.
Thanks all. Please keep sending me strength. I find all this so difficult. I know I have to follow through.
You just wait, when you make to leave he will do or say something that shows his true colours and you will get angry, so angry....then it's a whole different ball game, you won't be scared then I promise.
IME there is nothing like strength drawn from anger to propel you forward.
Sending you strength of course.
And yes passive aggressive is a form of control and a lack of responsibility. It's exhausting and draining as you constantly wondering what to do or say as you have been for the past few days.
I have a slightly different opinion on this - but it has caveats galore...
if he can say to you tonight that he has contacted his doctors, arranged counselling for himself, contacted your friends and family to apologise directly, that he will talk to your daughter and apologise personally and that he accepts all blame and you have none whatsoever - there may be hope.
You need an explanation for his behaviour and a promise he will seek help for his inability to talk through his feelings.
this is the very least that he can do to salvage this situation.
You need to be resolute if he tries to blame you for anything at all. You did what any loving wife would do and what any other man would be so happy to receive. To treat you and the family in that way must indicate a severe problem on his behalf and only the above can make up for it.
You need to see evidence of a willingness to change in every way and not one shred of blame towards you.
I hope you get it.
Consider some time apart while he sorts out the above. or things may just slip into normality and he won't have the impetus to carry on improving. Assuming that is the way forward.
Hmm possibly what whatdoes said but only if you live apart! massive yes. It takes hard work on both sides to build a marriage back up I say the is from experience. No matter where the fault lay, it takes two to rebuild.
I'm not sure though, the internet n texting are red flags to me. If I'm right that does. Not just go away no matter how much he brings to table, not in this time frame anyway.
Emotionally I just don't think he is capable, I honestly don't think this is malicious or a way of keeping me in my place, I think he just can't do it no matter how much he thinks he loves me. For whatever reason he cannot share his emotions.
Is that really the case? How did you meet him in the first place. Did he talk to you at all about his feelings. Has he ever been in the slightest bit open with you?
If not, then you may be right. And if, if, that is the case then he will not change and if you stay with him you will be controlled by his mood swings.
Remember what your dd said. She doesn't want to live like this. Whatever reason he gives you for his behaviour tell him this - tell him that you are worth more than that. His inability to communicate or open up emotionally, or just lack of will, it makes no difference, the result is the same
Ask him whether he thinks you deserve more than that. If he makes it all about him, he is still not 'getting' that you are just as important.
At the end of the day, I don't see that you have any choice now that your dd has told you how she feels. It's a clear choice between him and her. You have told us how he has nothing to do with her, yet he is her father figure. That is very damaging if you make her stay in this situation.
When you speak with him tonight, if you feel yourself unsure, just pop to the loo and mn on your phone. There will be someone around no doubt to help you stay strong.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.