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think I'm done

(208 Posts)
onemoredayplease Sat 15-Feb-14 09:56:59

I've posted several times before. have been in relationship with partner 6 years. three kids between us. mine the youngest at 11. it was his 50th yesterday. wouldn't tell me what he wanted to do so I arranged a childfree night in a posh hotel complete with lovely spa. this was to be followed by an action packed weekend with various activities chosen by each child. he knew the kids have planned the remainder of the weekend. last night we were away and it was a terriblesad . he didnt want to go that was clear. wouldnt come to spa, sat playing on free wifi. evening meal spent texting his daughter. he admitted he would rather be at home, didnt want to be away from kids. I apologised said the arrangements had been made with the best intentions. made no difference. beautiful old hotel on top of a hill so very noisy last night with the winds. he hasn't slept. we were up at 7.30 no breakfast as I couldnt face the silence. got home and hes gone straight to bed, didnt even acknowledge the kids work decorating the house ready for a family party tonight. I've prepped the party whilst he has slept but to be honest I don't want a party. I feel hurt that all the hard work arranging this was swept aside. his mind was made that it wasn't something he wanted and he wasn't going to enjoy it.
this all comes on top of ongoing issues with his behaviour towards my daughter, it feels like the nail in the coffin.

greenhill Sat 15-Feb-14 10:08:24

That's such a shame: to have put so much effort in and he prefers to be alone with the Internet or texting his daughter. Is he stressed about something? Do you think he will perk up later for the party?

I don't think you are in a healthy relationship if you feel you have to apologise for making arrangements that each child has chosen for him to enjoy. I'm not surprised you feel hurt, he sounds really ungracious and as if he is not making any effort with your relationship. Do you feel as if he has you being his housekeeper and bringing up his children?

LEMmingaround Sat 15-Feb-14 10:11:02

oh im really sorry - it sounds like the end of the line to me sad

onemoredayplease Sat 15-Feb-14 10:16:24

for a long time now I have felt like a single parent in a relationship. we dont particularly share anything. we eat seperately, parent seperately etc. our kids are very different. his are older and very quiet. mine is loud and wants everything. im just fed up. he wouldn't say what he wanted but then made it clear without saying it that I had let him down.
this afternoon we are going to have photos taken. one child off to uni this year so we thought it was a good idea even though he hates having his photo taken. dreading it now.

Joules68 Sat 15-Feb-14 10:32:32

Just don't go then

Just stop with all the birthday fuss and leave him to it

Take your dd out and think about a future with just the 2 of you. I'd disengage right this second

onemoredayplease Sat 15-Feb-14 10:51:11

am waiting to see whats said when he gets up. if still unpleasant daughter and I will be out of here.

Hassled Sat 15-Feb-14 10:53:23

Is he struggling with being 50? I know some people find it very hard. Is that making his behaviour worse that it would otherwise be?

onemoredayplease Sat 15-Feb-14 11:21:44

no I don't think so. his main worry at present relates to his daughter going off to uni in sept although this isn't confirmed yet. I know he really wanted to be somewhere warm for his birthday but we just cant afford it. it felt like he was saying ' is this it?'. he wouldn't actually say that out loud though. trying to work out how I manage the photo session now. we are due there at 1 and he's still in bed. I don't think he will want to do that either sad

Joules68 Sat 15-Feb-14 11:23:24

Just leave the photo session..... He clearly doesn't want it

Really feel for you and your dd sad

yourehavingalaugh Sat 15-Feb-14 11:27:06

Well don't bother then. He is rude and ungrateful. Even if the spa wasn't really his thing he could have gone along with it as you had gone to so much trouble. Does he actually want to be with you?

yourehavingalaugh Sat 15-Feb-14 11:27:28

I would cancel it all rather than put on a brave face.

onemoredayplease Sat 15-Feb-14 11:30:21

hes up and avoiding me.

RandomMess Sat 15-Feb-14 11:35:19

Why don't you and your dd go to the photo session together and leave him to his sulking?

RollerCola Sat 15-Feb-14 11:39:53

Oh OP this is outrageous behaviour from your dp. It's the sort of thing my exh used to do as well so I feel for you. I hated arguing so just used to take it, he sulked and avoided me and I just grew more and more resentful.

The only thing I can suggest is a full-out discussion about what he's sulking about and why he's so ungrateful for the trip/party etc.

If there isn't a MASSIVE reason for why he's behaving like this then I'm afraid I'd be out of there to. This is no way to live. You deserve better than this, you deserve to be treated with respect.

onemoredayplease Sat 15-Feb-14 11:40:28

cant even speak to him im so angry.

canweseethebunnies Sat 15-Feb-14 11:40:31

Go to photo session with your dd. Take his kids too if they want to come.

RollerCola Sat 15-Feb-14 11:55:42

Ok just say calmly to him

"It's clear that you're in no mood to celebrate your birthday so I'm cancelling everything I've organised for you"

Then go out with your dd.

pinkpaws Sat 15-Feb-14 12:32:51

I am so sorry to hear how childish and horrid your partner is being. You have put together a lovely birthday I wish my husband gave me so much thought. Which leads me to my next point would he have put as much thought and love into sorting something special if it had been your birthday. If the answer is NO then why are you staying what are you getting from this relationship and also would your children not be better of having their lovely mum back to themselves once again. You might also find if you leave it might just be want he needs to make him pull himself together if not then you know you where right to leave good luck.

perplexedpirate Sat 15-Feb-14 12:43:22

I would find it very annoying if I had said I didn't want to do anything for my birthday and was then expected to participate in an 'action-packed weekend'.
Why have you arranged a photo session if you know he'll hate it? It sounds like you're doing what you would like and haven't thought about what he would want at all.
If you aren't getting on generally, that's a different issue, but I couldn't blame him for being pissed off about the enforced fun weekend.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 15-Feb-14 12:49:54

sad so sorry.

If he's anything like my ex he'll perk up at the 11 th hour! Then you'll be fuming whilst he laughs and parties with everybody else!!!!

I'd go out and leave him to it!!

WhateverTrevor83 Sat 15-Feb-14 13:11:14

What are the ongoing issues with how he treats your DD? That's more concerning to me than him behaving like a baby today. If he is particularly looking forward to seeing his kids which is fair enough (although doesn't justify ignoring you!) the I would hold off on photos etc. I agree it's best to smile through rest of day/weekend - but id be paying close attention to your daughter if they don't get on and she is seeing how much of a pig he is being to you today.

You could say that you're disappointed that he didn't enjoy hotel but explain you think he has been a bit rude/ungrateful. No need for a scene but he needs to know how shit he has made you feel.
If you had forgotten his birthday fine but you've actually gone to lots of effort :-(

Good luck xxx

Lizzabadger Sat 15-Feb-14 13:17:46

Get rid.

onemoredayplease Sat 15-Feb-14 17:00:48

thanks all. I offered to cancel the photos but got no response. the kids were excited so we carried on. he came with us and sat on the floor. refused to be involved in any photos- his choice. it was arranged so that he would have a lovely family photo with his two children before the oldest leaves for uni. he missed that chance. what he will have is a beautiful photo of his two children.
the rest of the activities are things which he usually loves - thats why they were chosen, to have a fun weekend together. we have been carting this afternoon but he chose to sit and watch. too tired to take part as he hasn't slept.
tomorow ice skating. but if hes opting out we won't be going. I've had enough. just the family party to get through tonight- again something I know he would normally love.
as for would he do the same for me? no he wouldn't. we both know that.

Doha Sat 15-Feb-14 17:03:36

I would cancel the ice skating now. What right does he have to call the shots. he had his chance today and both last night and today was spoiled by his childish behaviour.
He is a prize twat.
Do something nice with you DD tomorrow instead. leave him to make his won entertainment.

DustBunnyFarmer Sat 15-Feb-14 20:26:34

Or leave him at home whilst you and the kids go skating... I would be stoked if someone had planned such a thoughtful birthday weekend for me. I wish you'd planned my 40th!

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