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Need some perspective please

(9 Posts)
Parsleybush Fri 14-Feb-14 19:40:41

I have wanted to post about this for a while, not sure if it should be here or Aibu
I'll try not to make it too long winded. Dh and I together for24 years with 2 dd. he has a disability which impacts on our lives on a daily basis. Due to his health we sold up and moved to a warmer climate as we believed this would be beneficial for him. I left my family, friends, a great job and a small mortgage to help his health along with the uprooting of two young girls.

Now the plan included us both working as was the case before the move, I earn almost double that of dh due to his disrupted employment. We agreed dh should be a Sahp until the dd settled into school which was last Feb. We both worked p/t before the move to manage our childcare.

I worked in crappy lower payed job for a year to feed the family,as you do before getting better hours and pay in my current job.However it was always the plan for me to reduce my hours to spend time with our dd.

Despite frequent discussions and encouragement my dh has not got any work in fact it is fair to say he has hardly tried to find any. When I ask he lie s about what's out there forgetting that I am searching for him as well.

It came to light 6 months ago that he dh let his professional registration lapse prior to leaving the UK which means he is now limited to unqualified and lessor paid work. He offers no explanation for this .

I am now at the point of utter frustration feeling utterly let down and lied to by dh as it's likely I would not have moved had I known this.

He has not had one interview in a year, though I doubt he has applied for many jobs. I don't feel it's my responsibility to nag him nor to remind him of his share of his responsibilities to his dd's. I do feel crushed by my responsibilities with no family support or friends to confide in.

I feel that I have given a good life up and he's sitting about like lord of the manor while I stress about money and our future.
I have told him he has 6 months to turn this round ori will bring the girls back to the UK and he can fend for himself.

His disability does not stop him from working but does restrict his options but even taking that into account I think I have Just realised my dh is a lazy bastard.

I wondered if I was enabling this behaviour so have backed off to see if he rises to the challenge, but nothing has changed.

I need to know if I'm flogging a dead horse or of I am being a selfish cow expecting my dh to share the responsibilities to provide for our dd.
Not sure if it's even about love anymore more lack of respect.

Sorry it's so long. I am 8 hours ahead and it's the middle of the night here and will try to sleep now, please don't think I'm ignoring anyone.

Parsleybush Fri 14-Feb-14 19:42:54

Sorry forgot to add, he has done nothing to improve his health here which was part of the plan, to exercise, eat well, get physio, specialist help etc, nothing at all.

Handywoman Fri 14-Feb-14 19:52:21

When you gave him the 6-month ultimatum what did he say? It sounds as though a lot is going unsaid between you. I think if it were me (which it isn't) I would feel totally let down. Have you thought about the reality of going back to th uk? I would look into the legalities bringing the girls back, because it could prove very difficult if your OH does not consent. Really sorry you are in this situation.

Parsleybush Fri 14-Feb-14 20:07:14

He pretty much said nothing. He's the quite type, thinks I,ll shut up if he doesn't answer. He could,nt stay here on his own as he has no means of income and he would,nt want to as he has only 2 friends. He would'nt get benefits without my visa. He has said he will come back with us although I have said I want time apart. I plan to leave in Sept.
I am so disappointed in him.

Parsleybush Fri 14-Feb-14 20:07:49

"Quiet type"

JuliaScurr Fri 14-Feb-14 20:13:59

sounds like he doesn't realise how pissed off you are or why. You need to tell him in detail

LuckyDayInHell Fri 14-Feb-14 20:14:44

It is so bloody frustrating when you are the one keeping everything together and OH is just so apathetic.
In situations like these I've found that only extreme measures get any response.
Hope someone comes along to prove me wrong.

Handywoman Fri 14-Feb-14 20:18:11

This is not a partnership Parsley is it? Sorry but it sounds like you are right. It's probably time to cut your losses. Does he enjoy being SAHP?

Parsleybush Sat 15-Feb-14 17:34:44

Sorry been out all day here, Julia he does know how pissed off I am, I end up blowing my top every few days. I don't think he is bothered by being a SAHP actually I don't think he's bothered full stop. I suggested he retrains when we got back and asked today if he had looked at courses, but of course he had'nt. Part of me feels that ending my marriage over his pathetic behaviour is an over reaction but then again I want my girls to have a positive role model.
Feel very stuck a long way from home.sad

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