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Is DH’s EA finally over? Or am I kidding myself AGAIN?

(89 Posts)
Witchazel Fri 14-Feb-14 16:17:11

Sorry – long one, but you need the background… My DH has been having an Emotional Affair on and off since Spring 2009.

Prior to 2009 I had never really doubted my DH’s commitment to myself and our children. He is kind, sensitive and generally everything was working well, sex life OK for post kids (as in: no longer at it like rabbits, but still enjoyable and plenty on offer). He is not the most ‘dynamic’ of men and never particularly romantic or demonstrative, but I accept that a lot of blokes just aren’t like that.

We have been together for 21 years and married for 15. We have two DCs: 11 and 7 yrs who adore him and he is a fantastic Dad. They would be utterly devastated if we split up. I had a taste of this in 2011, as I briefly left him (took kids with me).

We both suffered a series of knock backs and tragedies between late 2008 and summer 2009: several deaths of friends and family, his redundancies (3 in a row) and my illness with auto immune underactive thyroid (I had a lump in my neck and cancer had to be ruled out).

He has a fairly humdrum day job, but is also a singer and guitarist, gigging regularly in the evenings. He met the OW through the music scene. I actually encouraged him to go out and find other musicians to play with. They met in Spring 2009 and by August she was texting him all the time (missing him terribly and that he is her soul mate etc) while we were on our family holiday. I had a miserable two weeks. Confronted him and he denied everything, saying it was just a friendship and I was acting like a jealous nutter. After a while I managed to get enough evidence together to prove that they are having EA and he admitted it. Felt for a while like we were getting somewere…

Since that time it has been a rollercoaster ride of discovering texts / emails / Facebook messages or posts on music sites, me confronting him and getting angry, him being remorseful and stopping all communications, several months pass and then suddenly we are off again… It has definitely not been a constant (I have written evidence of this from her), but basically either one puts out a line and the other will eventually crack and bite it.

The last discovery was in October. Most of it was played out on Facebook. He has a music page and uploads YouTube videos and she does the same. In fact, they both have several pages/groups. So even if he blocks her (has done several times) they can still see each other on other pages. She has a habit of setting up new IDs. Their conversations are a mixture of music chat and icky romantic talk (the kind of which I never get!).

So… In October I told him I had reached the end of my rope and it’s now ‘last chance saloon’. Any more contact and I will take steps to end our marriage and that he will have to leave. I am sick of constantly having to trawl through his phone and laptop periodically. Our sex life is miserable. I cannot bear to be touched by him.

Since Christmas he has become very grumpy and withdrawn, short fuse with the kids and started writing poetry (on yet another Facebook page). Some of it is about us - pleasant lighthearted stuff about our family, but others are dark, depressing, mournful and I am convinced those ones are about her. I found a poem written last Mon on his laptop which has not yet been uploaded (never will be?), but I cannot yet decide if it’s actually closure on their relationship ...or not. I have shown it to a good, level-headed friend who knows both of us and she thinks it looks like closure and that I should hang fire, rather than blow the lid off (yet) again.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 14-Feb-14 16:21:00

Five years and it's been the same woman throughout? They seem to go to such huge lengths to stay in touch in secret - and the revelation is always because you've gone looking - that I don't think you really believe it's over. He's done 'closure' a few too many times for it to stick, surely?

JohnFarleysRuskin Fri 14-Feb-14 16:25:33

He is not kind and he really is not sensitive although I'm sure he imagines he is.

He is a self indulgent twat and I would have no interest in being his back up girl/mummy/whatever while he moons over this other woman.

wilkos Fri 14-Feb-14 16:29:35

Dear god you must have the patience of a saint. 5 years!

In the nicest possible way, wake up. She will always be the third wheel in your marriage. If you're happy with that then fine, but most wouldn't.

MrsMoon76 Fri 14-Feb-14 16:31:13

This has been going on 5 years and despite all threats and promises he hasn't ended it. What would be different now? TBH if I were you I would be too worn out from this to continue. Will you every trust him again? Will you every be able to forgive when he has broken your trust so many times?

Witchazel Fri 14-Feb-14 16:33:28

I hardly slept last night figuring out my next moves. My DS is ill and slept in our bed and so DH slept in DS's bed. So I was up until about 4 am on my iphone working out various practicalities. Then I texted my friend and sent her the dreadful poem and she is convinced that I am jumping the gun - told me not to do anything drastic.

This morning I got a cup of tea in bed, V card and chocolates. I was actually quite surprised he'd remembered. Seemed to be making an effort. Hence my confusion...

Witchazel Fri 14-Feb-14 16:38:42

Yes I am extremely patient... but I really HAVE had enough and if I uncover one more bit of evidence I'm going to ask him to leave. This poem is not evidence of new contact - it's mourning a loss and acknowledging the hurt he has caused to me and the kids.

wilkos Fri 14-Feb-14 16:41:16

Card and chocolates in bed... Well that proves his undying love doesn't it hmm

Wonder what he got his girlfriend of 5 YEARS??

SaucyJack Fri 14-Feb-14 16:44:04

Honestly?

You say he isn't a romantic or demonstrative man- but he clearly is. He just isn't wasting any of it on you- she's the one getting all the tortured poems written for her, and the nauseating one-liners.

Can you ever really be happy being the boring little wifey stuck at home whilst they're out together somewhere, moping about pretending to be Heathcliff and Cathy? I know my ego couldn't take it, and I'd hope the same for you too to be frank. You deserve a husband who loves and wants you.

You've done five years for the sake of the kids. That's enough I reckon. Your conscience is clear.

Cabrinha Fri 14-Feb-14 16:45:07

I don't want to twist the knife, but making an effort could be guilt, or wanting to keep you both sweet. How likely is it do you think that he will send her a V Day message, or be pleased to receive one, or be disappointed that he hadn't, or wish that he could... Sounds like one of those would apply, and any would be horrid for you.

So what if it's a mournful "it's over" type poem? Do you want a husband who moons about writing poetry about other women?

The only good poem would go:

Oh what an arse I've been
I've probably lost something good
How could I have been so stupid?
If I could change it all I would.

Hmmm - OK, I won't give up the day job!

But seriously - your friend thinks it's OK if he's basically sad about breaking it off with her (in a poem, if he had...)

You've tried to deal with this, given him every chance, yet he's still mooning around after her. What effort has he made if he's still looking at her sites? Really not necessary.

I'm sorry, but I've been in a "can't bear for him to touch me" relationship, and I know how sad and soul destroying it is.

I can't say leave or not, but I can say that you should make your decision not believing for a moment that it's over between them.

Witchazel Fri 14-Feb-14 16:45:21

Can I just re-iterate: this is a non-sexual affair and that, whilst they have known each other for 5 years, there have been large gaps of 6 months to a year of absolutely no contact. I know this for sure, because I have a copy of an email and she complains about this fact.

JoinYourPlayfellows Fri 14-Feb-14 16:46:41

she is convinced that I am jumping the gun - told me not to do anything drastic.

shock

Jumping the fucking gun?

After half a decade of your husband mooning about like a lovesick teenager over another woman?

Jesus, you should find a better friend to advise you.

When you look back on your life, do you want to know that you spent your best years with a man who was putting all his emotional energy into a doomed love affair with a woman that wasn't you?

You are not his first choice. She is.

You are the comfortable wifey at home that he placates with meaningless, rote gestures (like your Valentine's card) but she is the person he writes angsty poetry about.

Not that any normal grown woman would be remotely interested in being on the receiving end of his emotionally incontinent shite.

But you're playing second fiddle here.

And you always will be.

Is that what you want?

To be the boring, her indoors while his real love is the woman he can't have?

I wouldn't be in to that. But maybe it would work for you.

But there is no point in all this discovery/promises to change/telling him to stop or you will kick him out.

That's just you playing your part in their tedious, cruel, self-indulgent drama.

Finola1step Fri 14-Feb-14 16:47:26

Sorry to be so blunt but it sounds like that she has dumped him. And that if it is over, then it is because she has got fed up waiting for him. Not that he has chosen you and your marriage.

So he starts writing mournful poetry as a way of getting her out of his system. And he starts sucking up to you because he has to make sure that he doesn't lose you as well.

I hope I'm wrong and that he has seen sense. Stupid man.

akawisey Fri 14-Feb-14 16:49:11

Oh dear. Speaking from bitter experience of one who's ex h had a 3 year EA (oh who am I trying to kid it was 'only' EA) I found a'poem' in ex's car, clearly written by him and alluding to things about us and lying. All some months after he'd supposedly ended it. He lied about it of course.

I'm afraid your's is probably like mine was. Selfish, disrespectful to the nth degree and so entitled it's a wonder he hasn't put himself forward for the Nobel Prize for Best Catch. The V day stuff is supposed to throw you off the scent btw. Sorry but 5 years is a ridiculous amount of time to waste on playing the old pick me dance.

AllThatGlistens Fri 14-Feb-14 16:54:13

Wow. I'm really shocked that you have so little RL support shock

It doesn't matter whether the contact has been continuous for the last 5 years or not, the fact remains that he is still emotionally attached to her, after all this time.

That is unbelievably cruel and disrespectful to both you and your children.

I'm seriously bewildered at your friend advising you to stay with him and not jump the gun! Who would ever advise a friend to stay in a relationship like this confused

altogetherwonderful Fri 14-Feb-14 16:54:26

Meanwhile back at the ranch:
You're probably still doing his laundry
You're probably still cleaning the toilet
You're probably still supermarket trekking buying his favourite foods
You're probably still letting him away with so much

Why??????

He's like a teenager living at home, you're his mother/housekeeper

And chocs/card mean nothing on valentines if he has been like this for 5 yrs. every day should be valentines day effort wise tho not always possible

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 14-Feb-14 16:57:31

I wonder what you get from this relationship now because between you and he, you're both teaching your children damaging lessons on relationships and how they are conducted.

They see you unhappy and perhaps even blame themselves for your inherent unhappiness.

He is not a good dad if he is treating the mother of his children like this. Infact women who write the "good dad" comment write that as well because they can think of nothing else positive to think about their man. You've also written nothing else positive about him either.

I also think you need new people to advise you, your friend's counsel is frankly pants.

ohwellthatshowitis Fri 14-Feb-14 16:57:37

oh yes, finola1step, you are totally correct! ...........-she has dumped him , -got fed up with the dramas of "waiting" for him to leave his family.
my bil did the same, and guess what, after 5 years waiting for the brilliant one, the same day as the ow dumped him, so too did his wife, karma aye!
he's leading you on witchhazel, wants his cake and eat it. you have been taken for a doormat for years, get your life back, he is a useless piece of crap, just hedging his bets.

Witchazel Fri 14-Feb-14 16:59:30

You are all telling me what I already know of course. But I am really struggling to find the courage to scrape myself together and extricate myself. The fall-out will be massive and I am deeply concerned for my DCs, who are oblivious to all of this and will be devastated. There are various things I need to do with regard to finances to prepare, all of which will take a bit of time. I don't want to shoot myself in the foot and end up in a vulnerable position with regard to the house.

I'm not even 100% sure I want him to leave yet. I read loads of other threads last night, some of which were about separating but staying in the same house, trial separations etc.

akawisey Fri 14-Feb-14 17:02:01

The fall out may be massive but it will be finite - unlike your current situation which has already dragged on far too long.

Witchazel Fri 14-Feb-14 17:09:09

My DCs really ARE unaware of this and it will be a massive shock. I am extremely good at keeping a lid on things for the sake of them. My own family are completely unaware of this too. His family, on the other hand, are fully in the picture. Every time he's 'fallen off the wagon' I have contacted his Mum and Brother and they have roasted him.

So... basically I'm a complete mug for holding the home together for the sake of my kids? Can't be the first person who has opted for this, surely?

akawisey Fri 14-Feb-14 17:10:23

No I did it too. But I don't do it any more.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 14-Feb-14 17:15:34

Well you would like to think so re the children.

I think your DC are not as unaware as you think they are; they have picked up on all the unspoken vibes between the two of you and know all too well that something is badly amiss here with their mum and dad.
You've left with them once and came back; what are you both teaching them about relationships here. They are seeing one dysfunctional template of same and they won't thank you for staying with such a man either. Your own relationship with them as adults could well be damaged too because they could well go onto feel that you put him before them. You have probably never considered that to be a possibility at all.

What do you get out of this relationship exactly, what needs of yours are being met here?. I am wondering if you can actually answer that question at all frankly.

If you have purely stayed for the children's sake then yes you have and are being a mug here. They should not have been burdened with a choice that a parent has made; also the children should not be used as the glue that binds the two of you together.

Jan45 Fri 14-Feb-14 17:22:13

Don't know how you can stand it, I'm sorry but this is not love, not on his part anyway, he's probably staying out of duty to the kids, he clearly is and has been in love with another woman for some time, he also clearly doesn't seem to give a shit how this has and is affecting you.

I have no idea why you are even bothering to waste your breathe on him, he's beyond contempt.

You must realise you are worth a hell of a lot more than this, the relationship ended a long time ago.

JoinYourPlayfellows Fri 14-Feb-14 17:23:23

basically I'm a complete mug for holding the home together for the sake of my kids? Can't be the first person who has opted for this, surely?

You wouldn't be a mug if you were really holding the home together just for their sake but had given up any pretence of being in a loving, romantic relationship with your husband.

But that's not what's going on.

You are willingly playing your part in their love story and it's hurting you.

Can you be happy in this marriage knowing that you are not the love of his life? That he'd prefer to be with someone else but is staying with you as part of some big "noble" sacrifice? hmm

Could you respect a man who behaved like that in the long term when you stopped pretending that this was just a small blip?

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