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NC for this. Not even sure it should be here. Sorry will be triggers

(9 Posts)
Garlicmayo Fri 14-Feb-14 15:02:39

I would like to ask how is it possible that as a young child, I could have three sexually abusive encounters off different family members? Is that 'normal' for other abuse survivors?

I've been having lots of triggers this week.

1) when I was around 8/9 my step brother babysitting. I'm guessing he was 15. Sporadically over a year-ish. No penetration, just open mouthed kissing, and various other stuff I don't want to put on here He used to try my mothers under garments on too. I didn't tell my DM because I enjoyed the attention confused <-- that really fucks my head up

2) my step uncle put his hand down my knickers and cupped me whilst playing rugby and he was tackling. I wasn't sure he had done it at first but the second time I knew straight away, I left and when in the house up to my room. I was in the last year if primary so 9/10

3) my cousin who is a governor of a women's prison exposed himself to me while at our grandmothers. He was 18 ish I was around 10/11. I still see him at family stuff. He is quite friendly.

I don't know what to do about it. It's not really bad. I've been thinking about it a lot. It affected how I was with dd as I was super paranoid and suspected all men of doing something to her.

Just that really. If I go to counciling I will feel a fraud because it wasn't that bad.

Logg1e Fri 14-Feb-14 15:09:22

In answer to your question, I think that it would be well within the realms of possibility to have had all three things happen to you.

Going to counselling would help you deal with, and prevent, these triggers. You should not feel a fraud for talking through these events and feelings!

LurkingNineToFive Fri 14-Feb-14 15:20:20

I don't know how it's possible. But it's awful that this has happened to you. As a child I had lots of contact with family members and friends of family etc and I was never abused so it's definitely not all men. Sorry that you've been made to feel anxious for your daughter.

Garlicmayo Fri 14-Feb-14 15:27:08

Thanks logg1 and lurkng for replying.

I talked to my dgm about some of it a few years back. She said to forget about it.

It effects me sexually when dp asks to give me something sexual . A completely normal act. I just say, I've never been in to it. I also don't like my breast kissed.

I don't want to tell dp because he will go nuclear at my family.

Dahlen Fri 14-Feb-14 15:30:02

I'm so sorry you've had to go through that.

Sadly, what you're describing is very common. The trouble with being abused as a child is that it erodes your boundaries before you've even had a chance to build them. That makes you more vulnerable to other abusers because your perception of what is and isn't acceptable behaviour from other adults has been skewed, let alone your understanding of how to put an end to any unwanted behaviours. Child abusers are very, very good at picking up the cues that suggest that vulnerability.

Please don't feel a fraud about seeking help. It's not a race to the bottom where your experiences don't count because you weren't actually raped. The point is that no child should be exposed to any of those experiences. Your perspective that "it's not that bad" is a very adult one that comes from years of subconsciously processing this and minimising it. No counsellor would minimise your experiences, I promise you.


Garlicmayo Fri 14-Feb-14 15:36:37

Thank you dahlen x

JaceyBee Fri 14-Feb-14 15:45:30

I am a counsellor and believe me it is not possible to be a fraud! Counselling is for everyone, not just those who have had the worst kinds of traumas. It sounds as though it would be helpful to talk these things through with someone, of course it will have had an impact. Everything is relative.

CailinDana Fri 14-Feb-14 15:50:15

It's not unusual for children to be abused by multiple family members as such families have a "culture" of ignoring and minimising abuse which allows abusers to thrive. Given your mother's reaction it seems likely that that culture existed in your family.

My mother had a similar reaction to the abuse I suffered. It damaged our relationship permanently.

Don't minimise what these men did to you. It was wrong and should never have happened. It wasn't your fault.

GarlicReverses Fri 14-Feb-14 17:07:34

It wasn't your fault.
As you were a child, you didn't have the emotional tools to understand what was happening or the power to control it.
Those people mis-used you for their own whims. This makes them wrong. Not you!
It is usual for a once-abused child to be further abused, for the reasons given by Cailin and Dahlen.
Not all men abuse children, not by a long way. It's a limited proportion, and they tend to congregate for the same reasons above.
Counselling is for everyone, yes flowers

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