Just had big fight with drunk DH (apologies, long post)

[weesazz]

I apologise in advance for posting. I doubt there's anything anyone can say to help but I haven't anyone else to turn to.

Tonight DH and I had a big fight. Writing this in the dark in DDs room as she sleeps, I don't want to be in the same room as DH.

DD has been night-wakening for roughly a week now, and getting harder to settle for naps. He works offshore, so when he's away there's only me here to deal (and pretty much when he's home too but never mind). After a particularly testing night last night and frequent crying bouts today, we settled down for dinner and DH opened a bottle of wine. Then another. Out of those bottles I had one glass, DH drained the rest, as he quite often will. Then left me to the crying when she woke up.

Nothing would settle her and I was getting really upset and anxious. I had a migraine and he was playing really loud music downstairs despite frequent requests to turn it right down. I became teary (as I often do when tired and upset). He just stared at me so I left the room and went back upstairs to try and comfort DD. After an eternity and in my tired state I left her to CIO. I'm ashamed to say I put ear plugs in (which didn't actually do anything). After 5 mins DH came tearing in shouting at me because I wasn't trying to calm her down. He shouted at me and I started crying. His response was "what the f are you crying for" and other profanities. I told him I had a sore head and couldn't cope and he shouted "f off then". This refrain was repeated several times, as well as mocking me for crying.

I fed her and before she had finished he had already passed out beside us. He's still comatose as I write. He's a disgrace. I have one moment of desperation and he vilifies me for it and he's so greedy with alcohol he passes out. He won't even remember this on the morning (conveniently). He never has any patience with DD and once left her to CIO when she was a newborn and I had to go and comfort her.

I've got a lot on my mind just now as have consultant appointment on Monday to discuss many issues (3b tear, horrendous birth with induction, large uterine fibroid, flashbacks and psychological effects of tear and to argue my case against induction for future pregnancies). I don't need this and I don't need to be made to feel like a child for crying.

[BlackeyedSusan]

first of all hugs.

secondly. it is better to leave baby to cry safely in the cot than get to the point that you want to throw them out of the window... according to the midwife I had anyway!

[BlackeyedSusan]

it is also ok to cry. it is normal. far less damaging than downing 1 and 3/4 of a bottle of wine for example!

[UnionofMultitaskers]

You sound like you've got a lot going on and he's not being supportive. Is his drinking recent or has he always been a 'drinker'.
Hope you and DD get a good sleep

[Funnyfoot]

Op you need to read your own post. Nobody should ever speak to you like that least of all your DH.

My niece is having similar issues with her DP and she is currently 8 months pregnant with DD. I asked her today "would you want your own daughter to be in a relationship where this happens?" Her answer was no. So I said "so why are you in that kind of relationship?"

I ask you OP the same question.

The only advice I can give is that if you think your relationship is worth saving then when he is sober you need to discuss the issues with him.
If not then leave him. I know that is easier said than done but sometimes the only solution is the hardest decision to make.

[BlackeyedSusan]

how old is dd?

[weesazz]

DD is 17 weeks old. He didn't drink like this until I was pregnant, before then would only ever drink to excess when out, and wouldn't even take do much as a glass of wine with his dinner. When I was pregnant I joked he was drinking for two, on a binge he would sink wine and spirits resulting in a shocking hangover the next day. The day I was induced he had a hangover. He didn't touch any for 3 weeks when she was born then effortlessly picked up where he left off.

[weesazz]

As Sods Law would have it too, DD has not stirred once however I've only slept about 2 hours as I have so many thoughts and emotions going round in my head. I'm in the spare room and thankfully despite him being up to the toilet he has stayed away.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm sorry you're in a relationship with an abusive, obnoxious bully. He doesn't care about you or your DD in the slightest. What is the point of being married to someone who doesn't care?

[Mumof3xx]

What a horrible man

Does this happen often?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

And why are you together at all now?. What do you get out of this relationship with him?.

I presume you've always thought that he would change particularly when he became a parent and that is why you have stayed to date.

Do you really want to bring your child up within such a chaotic home?.

What is your own definition of an alcoholic?. He is not just greedy with alcohol; this man is a drunkard and the signs of drinking to excess were there before you became pregnant as well.

I would seriously now consider legal separation from this man, all he is doing now is dragging you and by turn your DD down with him.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

[upyourninja]

You behaved impeccably OP and every parent reaches that stage with new babies at some stage, when they don't sleep. Sometimes you just need to try everything, and go back when you realise it doesn't work (CIO/CC didn't work for us, tried everything in desperation).

Your husband is behaving in a vile manner. Totally unacceptable to choose to drink, much less be abusive and sneering. A real partner would do everything in his power to support you (and my husband is away a lot with work too).

He might be depressed. He sounds like he has an alcohol problem. If he's drunk he obviously escapes his responsibilities for his child as unsafe and unresponsive.

He's not being a parent or a husband. I would sit him down with sober and explain how it makes you feel and what you think is unacceptable, and what needs to change. Then, when he argues and jeers (as someone in his state almost inevitably will), you need to pack up and leave for a while. His response will tell you what you need to know about his motives and intentions.

Do you have family to go to? Friends?

Big hugs for you. Parenting is hard enough without finding out that one partner has completely checked out of the relationship and his responsibilities. Nothing seems clear when you're so tired (I've been there), but a real partner would be doing everything in his power to support you and give you a rest.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

And if anyone should go it is he - and he should stay gone. He works offshore and he can stay somewhere else when he comes back to shore.

[EirikurNoromaour]

Yes he is a disgrace. What are you going to do?

[Walkacrossthesand]

He hardly sees his DD, does he, being away offshore for chunks of time. What happens if you say 'it's your turn to settle DD this evening', preferably before he's downed more than a glass of wine?

[Jess03]

Do you have any family or friends that could do a few night shifts with dd so you could get some sleep and decide what you need to do re dh? Some sort of ultimatum and indication about immediate change or him moving out.

[Jess03]

Or maybe even leave for a few days with dd and go to your family? He won't forget if you remove yourselves for a while.
Sounds like he's making a tough situation worse.

[Blu]

But you didn't really 'have a big fight' did you? A fight is mutual - you were subjected to barrage of abuse, unkindness, aggression, and left unsupported while ill, exhausted and trying to manage alone a child who is the responsibility of both of you. Basically he went for you when you were down and vulnerable.

How will he be today? I would be looking for him to get help with his drinking, his anger and, talking to him very seriously about the nature of partnership as parents.

if you have parents or a sister you can go to, I would leave for a few days and think about your life, and let him think about his.

Really sorry, and I hope your baby has a run of unbroken nights. Take your naps when you can.

[UnionofMultitaskers]

Hope you are ok today. You must be so tired with a 17 week old anyway. Let alone with this emotional stuff. Have you seen him today? What did he say?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think he should get help with his drinking, aggression and utter lack of care but preferably from well outside the home where he can't inflict any more abusive behaviour on the OP or their baby!

[Joysmum]

I think you need to think long and hard about what you want from your relationship and what isn't acceptable.

Then talk to him, see if he recognised what he did last night was wrong, if he does then there's hope and you can then go on to discuss how things need to change so you have a lovely little family unit that you all thrive in.

If he doesn't then it's going to keep happening, that's abussive and there's no point in discussing the rest of it and you need to reach the stage where you can put yourself and your child first and you can leave.

[weesazz]

Thanks to all who have posted. It's heartwarming to have support. Needless to say this morning he was apologetic. I had my say and told him what happened last night was unacceptable. He tried to excuse his behaviour by saying it was the alcohol. I rounded on that by saying well maybe you need to curb your drinking. A fragile peace was made.

I don't know where to go from here really. When i married i married for life. Well, ideally. I've spent a lot of years with him and we have happy memories as well as the more recent bad stuff. My ex-partner was anti-alcohol but his abuse of me was far more sinister than this. I'm not trying to justify it. I think what I'm trying to say is I don't really know what's happening with this drinking problem, is it alcoholism in which case does he need help? Or could he be depressed and using alcohol as a means to shirk his responsibilities?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Oh we all married for life.... It's a noble enough intention but when you discover that you married an abusive drunk, you're 100% to realise you made a mistake and you are allowed to change your mind. Just because he's less abusive than the last guy, that doesn't make it OK.

Whether he's depressed, an alcoholic or both is his problem to resolve and not something you can easily influence. Please keep that in mind

[weesazz]

Also, my family, while well-meaning, can be interfering and don't easily forget, which could spell problems for us going forward if we try to work through this.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you kicked him out meaning your family knew there was a serious problem and then you let him back in again and they objected, don't you think they'd have a valid point? Do they already not like him very much? Might they be right?

[PoorOldCat]

I'm so sorry to hear this.

What jumps out at me is your poor little dd is getting the brunt of this situation.

Can you imagine if he wasn't there and you were alone with her - do you think it would be better for both of you? Because I think it would x