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Have managed to get myself in an awkward situation with a gay friend, where to go from here?

(9 Posts)
findingmymarbles Thu 13-Feb-14 21:51:12

I made a new friend last year through work, she is lovely, has been a great help to me in lots of ways. She is very openly gay.

Since I've known her I've always had half an idea she found me attractive, but I valued her friendship and I always identified as straight so just kind of ignored it and pretended I didn't know.

Before Christmas she made a bit of a move, and I explained that I really wasn't into it, we moved on and things were fine. At the weekend we were both at a party, there was a lot of drink involved and when she made a move, I reciprocated.

I feel terrible, she is so pleased, I've tried to explain nicely that we were drunk, it doesn't freak me out but I don't want it to happen again. I don't think she quite believes me. She's a sensitive soul and has little confidence, despite being a great person. I've tried really hard to build her up and now I'm worried that rejection will knock her right back down.

I don't want to hurt her feelings, I want to keep her as a friend, but I have no idea how to say "I don't want this at all" without making her feel worse about herself than she already does.

Offred Thu 13-Feb-14 22:08:44

I think you need to back away from the friendship if a relationship is not what you want and give her time to move on. You aren't responsible for her feelings and don't owe her anything just because she's attracted to you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 13-Feb-14 22:11:13

Well it's either her feelings get hurt or yours. hmm When she made a move pre-Christmas you didn't make it clear enough that you weren't interested or she wouldn't have tried again. So phrase it kindly but firmly that the party was a mistake and you're sorry but that's as far as it goes. If she has a melt-down of confidence then c'est la vie

I don't think you'll be able to keep her as a friend, sadly. It wouldn't be fair.

findingmymarbles Thu 13-Feb-14 22:16:37

Offred, before all this she has been a very good friend, gone above and beyond when I've been on my arse.

I am not a person who makes friends lightly or easily, I have about three. Hence why I'd like to keep this one, we get on like a house on fire. I just have no desire to touch her when sober.

BobbyGentry Thu 13-Feb-14 22:19:24

Is it called, 'flipping,' she 'filpped you?!?' (tried to, at least) If you're not happy with it then move on, tell her you're not interested, pass it off as a silly office romp, remain strong.

Offred Thu 13-Feb-14 22:20:48

But she does.

If it was a male friend who you weren't attracted to who had pushed it while you were drunk and now wouldn't respect that you weren't interested would you be so keen to dismiss it? Or if you had more friends?

In reality this woman has a serious crush on you and is not respecting your boundaries. This means that she isn't really your friend. She's perhaps gone over and above normal friendship because she wants a relationship with you.

You don't need to permanently step away necessarily but you do need to create distance IMO otherwise you will hurt her and ruin the friendship forever because she will get the wrong idea.

You are sounding dangerously like you think because she's supported you in the past you feel you owe her what she wants.

Offred Thu 13-Feb-14 22:22:35

She needs the distance as much as you by the sounds of it although I'm sure neither of you probably want it.

Offred Thu 13-Feb-14 22:23:24

Either that or you need to give a relationship with her a go but it sounds as though that isn't really what you want so...

HollaAtMeBaby Thu 13-Feb-14 22:31:35

People who are sensitive and lacking confidence don't generally continue to put the moves on people they fancy who've knocked them back. I would be distancing myself from this person.

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