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Ex is having a breakdown because of our split

(19 Posts)
Birdsofafeather Thu 13-Feb-14 14:54:58

Split a year ago under awful circumstances - all his own doing. I moved on with my life and now really happy, yet my ex is having a breakdown. I love and care for him an it kills me for seeing him like this, but at the same time I'm not responsible for him. I want a divorce so I can move on but I think it'll push him over the edge!

expatinscotland Thu 13-Feb-14 14:56:14

He is an adult. Leave him to it and get your divorce.

Innogen Thu 13-Feb-14 14:56:45

You don't owe him anything, he is responsible for his own happiness, not you.

Divorce him, and remove yourself, lest he guilt trips you into become his emotional crutches forevermore.

expatinscotland Thu 13-Feb-14 14:57:08

Bet he cheated and is now having this breakdown to weasel back.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Thu 13-Feb-14 14:57:23

Yep. You are not responsible for other adults and in likelihood not qualified to deal with mental health issues anyway.

Let the professionals worry about him and yes, go ahead and get your divorce.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 13-Feb-14 14:59:13

How do you know he's having a breakdown? Does he tell you? Get others to tell you? Get the kids to tell you?

Johnogroats Thu 13-Feb-14 15:10:46

I know someone in this situation, and I think you just have to get on with your life. If possible get someone else to deal with it (his parents?) Do you have DCs? If so, I can understand the dilemma more - you don't want your DCs to see their father in that state...but you need to let others deal with it.

DrankSangriaInThePark Thu 13-Feb-14 15:12:49

The fact that you have moved on with your life and are happy and him having a breakdown may not be disconnected.

Don't fall for it.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 13-Feb-14 15:14:10

If he's really having mental health problems, he needs proper, professional help. You can't cure MH issues with TLC.

If he's just having an attack of whinyitis and using it to guilt you into fussing over him, then he's a tosser you don't need in your life.

DO you have DC with him? If so, be careful WRT contact and making sure he behaves himself around them. If he is genuinely unstable, contact should be stopped. If he's behaving like a prick, contact should be stopped and can be stopped on the grounds that you have reason to believe he's unstable.

If you don't have DC with him just cut all contact.

Birdsofafeather Thu 13-Feb-14 15:34:31

Sorry maybe breakdown was a bit OTT but I think it's finally dawned on him what he's done. I've never seen him this way and I find it hard. On the plus - and on the insensitive side - makes me realise just how far I've come.

expatinscotland Thu 13-Feb-14 15:35:33

Oh, stuff him. Apply to divorce.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 13-Feb-14 15:44:14

Even if he was standing on the Forth Bridge threatening to leap, the correct course of action would be to alert the rescue services and then proceed with the divorce....

teaandthorazine Thu 13-Feb-14 15:44:32

He's an adult. You are not responsible for him. File your divorce.

It's tough to be tough sometimes, but you have to be. You've said yourself how far you've come, and his problems are not your problems anymore. My xh spent most of last year guilt-tripping me into feeling sorry for him as he finally realised how monumentally he'd fucked up his life (and we've been split for almost 10 years!) but in the end you know what? All the suicide threats and late-night weepy phonecalls came to nothing and he's still here hmm

Tell him to go to the GP if he feels bad, aside from that, not your problem.

Joysmum Thu 13-Feb-14 15:45:48

I agree with Cog. Don't get drawn in.

MaryWestmacott Thu 13-Feb-14 16:06:01

Agree with the others, if you reallly think he's a risk to himself, reach for external help for him, don't provide it yourself. Unless you are prepared to move back in with him and pretend nothings happened, tip toe around his feelings for the rest of your life you are not physcially capable of being the person to 'fix him' - so the only kind thing to do is to help him access help.

I'm guessing he believed there was other people/other lifestyles he wanted, and thought he could try those and keep home life with you, not thinking that you are an independent adult and it wasn't just his choice which he had, you had a choice and what he wanted wouldn't be central to your decision making - he wouldn't be the first man who decided to pick his wife and then got a shock that she didn't pick him over being single.

If that's the case, then delaying the divorce will just give him false hope and delay him getting over it.

EirikurNoromaour Thu 13-Feb-14 16:21:13

So he fucked up his marriage and now he's sad?
Diddums hmm
Being sad after your marriage breaks down is normal - I bet you were? So why is his being sad something for you to care about or feel guilty over? He needs to deal with his grief and far away from you. Why you do even know he's having a self indulgent pity fest breakdown?

FolkGirl Thu 13-Feb-14 18:25:23

Oh yeah, my exH did the same. hmm

Signed up to extra marital affair websites and started an affair with a woman at work. I kicked him out. He blamed me for the marriage breaking down because after kicking him out I took off my wedding and engagement rings.

I had a great time, found new friends, strangers rallied around and I was never alone, I got a new job, things got better and better.

He had a breakdown. He really suffered. I wouldn't wish it on anyone really, but at the same time...

Sweet, sweet justice.

Meerka Thu 13-Feb-14 18:41:38

Im afraid that under almost all circumstances, if someone starts falling apart after a split then that is part of life. And while you love him, you in particular are totally the wrong person to help. You get involved and try to rescue him and you won't be helping him becuase he'll learn that he can get away with it.

Other people can help - friends, professionals - but not you :/ sorry

AnyFucker Thu 13-Feb-14 18:52:03

Tell him to Fuck off

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