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meeting DH tomorrow - instinct not good - please help me prepare & tell me about mediation

(12 Posts)
thatlldonicely Thu 13-Feb-14 08:41:28

Meeting DH tomorrow - yes Valentines Day ( my choice as didnt want it dragging into half term) - to find out whats going on. My gut feeling is not good & i think this is where he'll tell me its over. I know ill be emotional but ive been stuck in limbo and just really want advice on how to play it.

I guess next step is mediation - want to make sure I have something legal in place - Im wondering whether to bring this up tomorrow or use half term to prepare myself & hit him with it after- not sure he will be expecting this as we have talked about keeping things amicable but i need to protect myself .

Appreciate any advice - I am having hair done tomorrow & will buy myself a huge bunch of flowers today smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 13-Feb-14 08:53:19

With respect, why are you waiting for him to tell you it's over? Why is your life in his hands? IME it's better to dump than be dumped.... keeps you in the driving seat and makes recovery that much easier.

Nothing wrong with suggesting mediation but definitely get legal advice a.s.a.p. about what your rights and responsibilities are. Very important to work from a position of solid information because, when there's a lot of emotion flying around, it can be tempting to agree to things that aren't fair just to get it over with.

Enjoy the salon and the flowers. smile

JeanSeberg Thu 13-Feb-14 09:03:43

I presume he's already moved out? I'd postpone the meeting until you've had chance to get legal advice. Then you can be the one in control of the meeting and make it clear that you mean business.

thatlldonicely Thu 13-Feb-14 09:33:41

My life is not in his hands and i will not feel "dumped". can someone please tell me what is the advantage of having legal advice - I know i can stay in the house & there will not be an issue over finances - he has done everything he said he would regarding the kids and there is no OW. If this is the way to go I will - I do not feel the need to be "in control" this is all about sorting out what is right for the kids as best we can

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 13-Feb-14 09:35:49

The advantage of legal advice is reassurance that what you're agreeing to is fair.

JeanSeberg Thu 13-Feb-14 09:36:15

can someone please tell me what is the advantage of having legal advice

Because with the best will in the world, you can't rely on him to stick to a verbal agreement a week/month/5 years down the line. You need everything drawn up in a legal agreement so there's no room for mis-understanding at any point.

Presumably if you're going to separate you are going to divorce at some point so you will need a solicitor for that.

Me and my ex separated very amicably - sorted the child access bit ourselves but still used solicitors for the finances.

PurpleRayne Thu 13-Feb-14 09:39:14

He may be reasonable now. But it is in yours, and his, best interests if things are agreed formally. For example, what if you met someone else in a years time and your ex started being 'difficult'? Or he acquired new responsibilities? No-one can see into the future, so it is much kinder for everyone if the responsibilities are clear-cut and legally agreed.

thatlldonicely Thu 13-Feb-14 09:39:51

ok - i thought mediation could draw up some legal document - i do know that i need a written document and yes know that a solicitor will be required for divorce

CookieMonstersCousin Thu 13-Feb-14 09:45:52

Being prepared as to what your expectations are is essential, imo, when facing a separation/divorce and letting him know you will be wanting your expectations to be met in a legal context helps ensure your expectations will be protected.

JeanSeberg Thu 13-Feb-14 09:47:07

It also shows him that you mean business and you're being proactive rather than waiting for his 'decision' tomorrow.

NaffOrf Thu 13-Feb-14 09:49:42

I think this is where he'll tell me its over.

I agree with PP - you should be telling him that.

handfulofcottonbuds Thu 13-Feb-14 12:23:02

It sounds like you would benefit from a Separation Agreement as opposed to Mediation right now.

A Mediator won't draw up a legal document for you. It's a process that most Judges will insist on before they will consider divorce (since April last year), as long as there is no DV. The financial information provided in Mediation can be used in court (if it gets to that stage) but anything else is confidential and has no legal standing.

A Separation Agreement just sets out who pays for what. A friend of mine has had one in place for 2 years and it works well for both of them. Again, my understanding is it isn't a legally binding document.

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