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How much did you 'fancy' your husband before/when you married him?

(24 Posts)
thecircleline Thu 13-Feb-14 08:24:25

Was it a 'take me to bed now', 'I just want to rip your clothes off thing'

Was it more of a 'you're lovely, I love you, I want to be in bed with you' feeling (even perhaps without lots of sex)

Or was the physical attraction and sexual desire just never really there?

Feeling guilty I don't want sex more often. Only been together 3 years and I'm quite content with once a week - twice max! We've discussed and doesn't seem to be a problem for either of us... but I know he'd be happy to have more and just worry sometimes that I never feel particularly excitedly turned on at the idea of it? Not turned off, and I do enjoy it, just a bit... indifferent.

I love kissing and cuddling him and often think I am so lucky to have him - we have a great relationship, just anxious about this one aspect.

mrsnec Thu 13-Feb-14 08:28:05

I have all those feelings for my husband. I've never thought about another man since I met him 10 years ago but I don't feel like having sex that often but I put that down to my libido not my feelings for him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 13-Feb-14 08:31:02

Indifferent IME is not a good sign. The ripping the clothes off thing doesn't normally last but you should get pleasure from sex and feel it brings you closer, even if it's a case of quality rather than quantity. Where there is indifference.... take it or leave it? .... then the danger is that other things start to take priority and you can find yourself making excuses to avoid sex. Do you have children yet?

thecircleline Thu 13-Feb-14 08:37:12

No, no DC... and I do recognise the factors you mention above... Maybe it's just low libido/a comfortable relationship and I'm stressing over nothing...

teaandthorazine Thu 13-Feb-14 08:38:42

I wouldn't be overly concerned about a lack of ripping clothes after 3 years, but I do think not having the 'you're lovely, I love you and want to be in bed with you' feeling would be a bit worrying. Is this the case for you?

I love and fancy my dp. I definitely look forward to going to bed with him, even if we're not having sex. It's my favourite part of the day, in fact! I couldn't be in a relationship with someone I didn't find physically attractive (the majority of the time, at least - we all have our off days grin!)

Indifference is never a good thing in a relationship, imo.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 13-Feb-14 08:46:52

Again I can only judge from my own experience but I've been in a quite a few relationships and the ones where I thought I had a 'low libido'... sorry to say... eventually turned out to be nothing more than a bad match.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 13-Feb-14 08:49:03

Are you married to this guy or just thinking of marrying him?

thecircleline Thu 13-Feb-14 09:41:52

Thinking of it. And bedtime is my favourite part of the day too! I suspect my stressing over this is making it a bigger issue for me than it really needs to be, perhaps I should just relax and get on with it!

Celestae Thu 13-Feb-14 09:46:34

My partner and I are having sex most nights. It's awesome hehe. Granted I have been less up for every night since being pregnant but still... I think we do it a lot more than some couples. I fancy the hack out of my boy, we have been together for nearly 2 years.

ithaka Thu 13-Feb-14 09:51:54

I fancied the pants of my DH when I met him. The attraction was purely physical as I didn't think we had much in common.

Over 20 years married and the fact we fancy each other & get on well in bed has seen us through some rough old patches.

My view is that you can get to know someone better and learn to love them, but you can't learn to fancy someone - the spark has to be there to start with.

I think physical attraction is under rated as a reason to get together with someone - in my experience, if someone really floats your boat that never entirely goes away. The flavour will always linger, even through the bad times and the spark can be revived.

I wouldn't have thought this when I was younger, this is speaking from the point of view of a long & happy marriage. I think you have to fancy your DH (and he needs to be a decent human being, obviously, not some of the vile scum I read about on the relationship board with horror).

Dahlen Thu 13-Feb-14 11:47:47

Again, speaking only from personal experience and those I've learned from what others have told me.

XH and I married after many years together anyway. Although we obviously fancied each other in the beginning, sex was never an important part of our relationship. Even in the beginning when I was much more "up for it" I never felt like having all-night marathons and usually wanted to just turn over and go to sleep afterwards. As the years went by, sex dwindled and I'd have happily left it altogether. It never reached the point where I felt physically repulsed by him or couldn't bear the thought of sex, but that's probably because he wasn't that sexually motivated either and never pressured me.

Having spoken to other women who "lost their sex drive" but had partners who weren't at all happy about it, it seems that indifference quickly became irritation and then morphed into resentment, repulsion and downright anger. Had sex been "an issue" between my XH and I, I think it could have have significant consequences for the relationship and split us up. (We did split up anyway, but not for that reason.)

My relationship with DC's dad OOH was based purely on sex. Sadly, as I realised he was an arse, my sex drive diminished also.

For me, it's vital to be happy with the relationship, myself and life in general if my libido is to remain healthy. When those criteria are met I am far from indifferent to sex - as current BF will testify. wink

So first ask yourself if everything is indeed rosy in your life, because often that's the first step towards recovering a diminishing libido. Then take a look at your physical health. Poor diet and fitness and lack of sleep can play havoc. As can hormonal contraception.

If you've addressed all those things and still feel largely indifferent, you could try abstaining completely for a couple of months - sometimes being prevented from having sex can make you want it more. If the time flies past and you don't miss it though, I think you need to accept that passionate sex may never be a feature of your relationship with your DP and you and he will then need to decide if that's a relationship you want.

Joysmum Thu 13-Feb-14 13:41:20

I've always found it strange that people who have been together for a long time might be bored or stuck in a rut physically.

When my DH and I started out, sex was enjoyable, but not so enjoyable as it is now and we are more active and fulfilled than we have ever been because time and experience means we know each other better. Mind you, I had issues thanks to a previous partner and this took time to work through physically and emotionally do that might explain why things are the opposite way round for us?

Dahlen Thu 13-Feb-14 13:59:52

I agree that sex can get better the longer you are with someone.

When you first get together you have that awesome sexual tension that comes from something new, exciting and unfamiliar. Obviously that goes away, but it is replaced by knowledge of each other's bodies and preferences, along with the fact that your partner can be trusted with your innermost desires without ever using them against you to trample over your boundaries - which can lead to far more fulfilling sex. Or should do if you're not with a fuckwit or lazy person, anyway.

I think some people lack the courage to explore sex with their partner, sticking with what they know works. That can become boring if the spark isn't kept alive mentally as well, although regular sex can be very exciting if you're both highly turned on in each other's company and ramping up the flirtation beforehand.

Also, I think when the relationship is suffering a little because of pressures of time, work, children, etc, there can be a tendency to have rather perfunctory sex because you're tired and have a million things to do. Quite often the intention is to make more of it the next time, but when the next time arises you're still knackered so you repeat it and before you know it you've got in a habit of rather half-hearted sex.

MadBusLady Thu 13-Feb-14 18:18:19

What ithaka says. I see why we have all this messaging about not just marrying the first person whose arse catches your eye regardless of their personal qualities, but on the whole I think we go much too far the other way.

The funny thing is a lot of people who definitely have the sparky thing will still claim it's all about compatible personalities - but I guess that's because they've worked on that aspect and learned to get along, like ithaka says, and it's a rewarding process.

thecircleline Thu 13-Feb-14 19:11:42

Hmmm I was feeling quite positive this morning, but now am back to anxious and confused.

I wish I fancied the absolute pants off him and this thought had never crossed my mind. Never been with someone for this long so don't really know what to expect from such a relationship. I know the initial high can't last, but am not sure if we're drifting into just being very good friends.

Everything else is so good it would seem such a waste to throw it away. Not advocating 'settling', or staying with someone I don't want, but who's to say if I did end it, and did find someone I was madly attracted to (hard enough in itself!), they'd be interested in me? Or the relationship would work? Or that they wouldn't turn out to be a total arse? Am genuinely worried if I did end things with current DP it would be the biggest regret/mistake of my life.

Also, I do want DC some day (in the next 5 or 6 years - sorry for gatecrashing here as non-mom), and know DP would be such a good Dad. Am also acutely aware of the fact that as a woman there is a bit of a ticking clock on this. I'm not 30 yet but the thought of 'if I am going to leave, I should probably do it soon' is totally stressing me out!

Offred Thu 13-Feb-14 19:20:48

I never was physically attracted to xh tbh and the sex got shitter and shitter as did the intimacy and in the end there was no glue holding the relationship together. Fancy current bf very much and it is much better although still a very young relationship.

RedFocus Thu 13-Feb-14 19:50:03

It's our third wedding anniversary tomorrow and we are still in the ripping off each other's clothes stage. We fancied each other like mad before marriage and even more so now. Everyone is different of course and frequent weekends away help to keep the spark alive wink

HerdyHerdwick Thu 13-Feb-14 19:56:05

It was the second for us, both of us as it turned out, and marrying was a mistake.
I knew I didn't fancy him in the same way I'd fancied some other boyfriends, but I thought what I was feeling was a more mature and sensible type of love.
I realised after we'd been married a short time that he didn't fancy me in a 'rip them off' type way either.

NameChangeJustCause Thu 13-Feb-14 20:18:01

The term "fancy" is misleading when so many responses take that to mean "want to jump each others bones 24/7".

I don't agree with a lot of these responses because, honestly, they're just too highly sexed.

My husband and I are in our 30's and have been together for over 6 years. We love each other, like each other and respect each other. We rarely argue and if we do it's usually because either of us is tired and/or stressed out about something (which we acknowledge later and apologise). We never call each other names. We do not have children yet but do have fur-babies (and he just sent me a text message to tell me he was thinking of getting them a Valentines present).

He is a good man. He believes in supporting his family. He doesn't drink or smoke, take drugs or watch pornography (and if he does, which he doesn't have time for honestly) at least he hides it well!).

All that said, I have a sleeping disorder so I'm tired a lot. It's getting better with treatment and I'm told my energy and sex drive should improve with time, but our lives dictate that we don't have sex every week. He gets really sleepy after sex and it "ruins" his night as he's too tired to do much. He'd prefer if we went to be and hour earlier but we're busy with work and other things sometimes that's just not possible!

So we have sex probably more like twice a month, sometimes possibly less. We've spoken about it and continue to speak about it from time to time. It's not a lack of want, it's a lack of time and energy. It's really cold right now and we're practically hibernating!

I do not equate the quality of our relationship with the amount of sex. I equate it to our level of intimacy, the want to spend time together, the enjoyment of that time together, and whether we're still attracted to each other.


So OP, to answer your question, in the beginning of our relationship were having sex a lot. As life progressed and the stresses that caused, it dropped off a bit.

As both you and your partner are happy with the status quo (and as long as you're talking about it so he knows he can talk to you about it if he needs to) then I wouldn't be worried.

I'm not indifferent to sex per se, I just don't think it's the be all and end all of our relationship. We get much more from our relationship than sex and it's just a part, and I don't think a major part either, not in the grand scheme. I wouldn't want to go without for the rest of my life for sure and I enjoy sex, so I'm not indifferent to it, I just know that other things in life are sometimes, not always, more important...

Samu2 Thu 13-Feb-14 23:15:49

Yes and 8 years later I still think he is the most sexiest man in the world.

We do not have sex that often though due to tiredness but I still get butterflies when I see him at times.

I didn't have that spark with my ex and it was no way to live for me. I need the full package. It's not regular sex I need but I need a spark. I can go weeks without sex, I need intimacy not not sex as much. I wouldn't marry anyone I didn't have that spark with after my first marriage. I want the works and got it at last.

He is a wonderful beautiful man

Samu2 Thu 13-Feb-14 23:17:23

Sorry I read the OP wrong.

At the start I fancied him lots but I think I fancy him more now than I did then. He has aged well and I think the more I love him the more physically attracted to him I am too.

yellowflowers Thu 13-Feb-14 23:17:24

I think once a week is a lot blush (but we do have two young kids)

34DD Thu 13-Feb-14 23:59:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadBusLady Fri 14-Feb-14 01:15:28

"Too highly sexed" is a totally subjective thing .

I only know I couldn't get rid of that sinking feeling when I was in relationships with men I didn't feel that way about, no matter how lovely they were and no matter how hard I tried to "make it work".

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