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DP really not that bothered?

(34 Posts)
Prforone Wed 12-Feb-14 22:51:55

Have had a really crap day at work today. Totally humiliated by a work colleague who decided to give me a major bollocking in front of everyone for doing something wrong on a spreadsheet, rather than taking me to one side and explaining my mistake so I could rectify it.

DP called me at lunchtime to talk about coming round this evening. I promptly burst into tears, told him I was having a bad day and we could leave it for tonight if he'd prefer. But he insisted on coming round because I was upset, which was nice to hear.

When he finally did turn up tonight (after going down the pub and then grabbing some dinner from the chip shop), I was just putting DD to bed. When I came back downstairs, he said "So, do you want to tell me about today, or just write it off and forget about it?". I got very tearful and proceeded to tell him what had happened, only to look round and see him checking the texts on his phone! I stopped mid-sentence, looked at him and eventually he looked up from his phone and said "Yes, I'm listening" (clearly hadn't been, considering how long it took him to realise I'd stopped talking).

"Sorry, I'll let you get back to your phone" I said, then skulked off to the kitchen to get on with the washing-up. I guess I was hoping he'd follow me in there, apologise and let me finish my story. But no, next thing I heard was him chuckling at something on the telly.

So I sat in the kitchen for a while, had a little cry, made myself a cuppa and came back into the lounge to find him fast asleep on the sofa.

He woke up five minutes ago, sat up, gave me a peck on the cheek and told me he was going up.

I am truly gutted. I just wanted to get off my chest what a horrible day I'd had and have him give me a big cuddle to make me feel better. Instead I'm sat here wondering if this is beginning to get a bit one-sided. I've listened to him and comforted him when he's been through crap in the past. Was it really asking too much to expect the same from him? hmm

maggiemight Thu 13-Feb-14 02:43:08

Well at least feeling pissed with thoughtless DP has taken your mind off the horrible humiliation.

Well, perhaps tell him not to bother more firmly next time. He sounds pretty selfish.

As for horrible work experience, I'm sure any other staff watching were just thinking thank god it wasn't them getting the bollocking. And thinking that their boss is crap at their job, that is no way to behave. Try to put it behind you.

TobyLerone Thu 13-Feb-14 03:57:56

You sound like hard work.

He sounds like a bit of a thoughtless arse.

KeatsiePie Thu 13-Feb-14 04:05:24

Actually unless you make a habit of bursting into tears whenever he asks you about your day or sulking around waiting for him to do what you want, you do not sound like hard work.

Sometimes we just don't get what we want from our partners. Not to be preachy, just, it's true. It's always kind of shitty when that happens and it feels really personally hurtful. But unless it's common for him to wander off in his head when you need his support, I would let it go. Sorry you had a crummy day thanks

JeanSeberg Thu 13-Feb-14 06:45:32

I'm sorry you had a crappy day yesterday but wonder if there's anything else going on as it seems a strong reaction to still have been crying yesterday evening. Is everything else ok and are things with your partner otherwise good?

I would have been bloody fuming in your shoes and would have made it clear to the colleague that if he ever spoke to me like that again, our next meeting would be with HR. In your shoes I would speak to him today, politely and firmly.

We all make mistakes and it sounds like yours could have been rectified if you'd been given the chance.

I hope you have a better day today. thanks

Joysmum Thu 13-Feb-14 06:57:18

If my DH was feeling so dreadful, I'd be doing all I could to share that with him and help him feel better. It wouldn't matter to me what made him feel like that (unless it was to help him cope), just that I don't want him to be down. Your DP doesn't sound like he cared and that's not good.

Lweji Thu 13-Feb-14 07:00:07

How long have you been together? Does he usually do that when you talk about a problem?
I think I'd be taking a step back and taking a close look at how supportive he usually is.

JeanSeberg Thu 13-Feb-14 07:11:12

Agree that the partner sounds like a non-event - pub, chippy then round to yours to watch tv? Is that what usually happens or would you normally watch a film together or something?

Bunbaker Thu 13-Feb-14 07:14:04

This work colleague behaved in a totally unprofessional manner. Is there anyone higher up that you can complain to?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 13-Feb-14 07:33:13

No he's not bothered. hmm

TheDoctorsNewKidneys Thu 13-Feb-14 07:54:25

Is this a regular occurrence or a one-off?

It's so draining to have to deal with someone else's problems all the time. I say this as someone who has depression and before I started getting treated (meds and counselling), I relied on DP to support me and it was so hard for him. He supported me because he loved me, but it was hard and he did switch off occasionally and just go to bed because after a long day at work, he didn't have the energy to deal with more problems everyday. And I get that, I really do.

Are you doing this regularly? As in, when you're upset, do you rely on your DP to listen to you and to help? There's nothing wrong with that in itself, but you can't rely on him solely to cheer you up all the time. That's a lot of pressure to put on one person. Yes, he should have listened to you and not checked his phone or whatever, but I think you should really deal with your work problems at work. It's fine to come home and moan for 10 minutes about x boss or y colleague, but to expect your partner to listen to your upset all evening is a bit unfair imo.

NotNewButNameChanged Thu 13-Feb-14 08:26:17

I know what Doctors means. My ex had a friend that she used to go out with probably once a month for a meal. Friend was very well off and a bit of a drinker. So at most of these meals, she drank like a fish and always insisted on splitting the bill - which meant my ex was paying a lot more compared with what she had actually had to eat and drink. Friend didn't drive, so my ex always used to pick her up and take her home. At the end of every one of these nights out my ex would come back and moan like hell about it.

Similarly, she had problems at work and would come home regularly and moan about that. I would continually listen, properly, suggest advice and be supportive. Until after two years I realised nothing was ever going to change and it was becoming really draining. So I threw it back at her.

I told her that I wasn't prepared to listen to her moan about work or her friend any more. She knew what her friend was like, she had never 'challenged' her about it and so either had to say something or just accept that's how her friend is and live with it. Same for work, it was not on to keep coming home and venting at me when she was not actually addressing the problem at work where something could potentially be done to improve things.

It did the trick. Of course she still vented when she really needed to, but only when she really needed to. She became much happier and more pleasant as a result and our relationship improved too.

Prforone Thu 13-Feb-14 13:07:01

OMG!

No, this does not happen regularly! And he asked me why I was upset, I started to tell him, looked round and he was checking his phone! I was NOT moaning all night - I was answering his question!

AmazingJumper Thu 13-Feb-14 13:17:41

I was hoping he'd follow me in there, apologise and let me finish my story.

This is the bit that makes you sound hard work. It's the sort of thing I would do and it's rarely successful. He shouldn't have to second guess you like that.

He doesn't sound that bothered.

Prforone Thu 13-Feb-14 13:22:22

Just to clarify, I was upset at work because the colleague who had a go and I used to work together in another department and be of equal standing. I thought we had a good working relationship and friendship, so to act like that towards me was a bit of a shock. When we previously worked in the other department, if I noticed a mistake she'd made, I'd merely point it out to her, not embarrass her in front of everyone.

I wouldn't normally be so upset for getting something wrong at work - it was the way it was handled and by who.

Sorry if that seems like I've drip-fed - I didn't think the reason for my upset was the point of my post, more that my DP asked what was wrong when he clearly didn't actually want to know.

VodkaJelly Thu 13-Feb-14 13:29:23

He sounds like an arse. He knew you were upset and insisted on coming round to see you to make sure you were ok then ignored you when you were telling him.

Do you listen to his problems and help to find solutions? Next time swtich off and dont bother to listen.

But I think you have deeper problems. He really didnt care that you were upset or bothered to find out why.

VodkaJelly Thu 13-Feb-14 13:30:15

And you dont sound like hard work me, just someone who had a shit day and wanted some comfort from their partner who promptly ignored them.

Bigbrassband Thu 13-Feb-14 13:30:47

He sounds like a crap boyfriend to be honest, turns up after the pub? And I do hope he brought chips round for you too! If not it just sounds like you were a convenient warm bed for the night, last on his list of priorities.

Prforone Thu 13-Feb-14 13:41:17

Ha ha! I agree that turning up after the pub makes it sound like he turned up pissed on my doorstep at 11.30 pm! But he was round at 8 pm, just as my DD was going to bed.

And he didn't buy me chips because I'd already been out for dinner with my DD. I'd invited him along but he declined. Thought it was because he would be late getting home from work or something, but it turns out it was because he was having a beer.

Prforone Thu 13-Feb-14 13:43:05

Oh, and before anyone asks - no, he didn't turn up drunk. He had a pint and a half before he drove round to mine.

Lweji Thu 13-Feb-14 14:26:16

Thought it was because he would be late getting home from work or something, but it turns out it was because he was having a beer.

That doesn't sound particularly good either. Did he have a good reason to go to the pub rather than out with you?

Prforone Thu 13-Feb-14 14:49:40

He nearly always goes for a quick beer after work. I was a bit meh about it when we first started seeing each other but now it doesn't bother me. It's his "down-time" after a stressful day at work, only ever a couple of drinks maximum and, besides, on the nights I do see him, it's around the same time that I'm spending time with DD (making dinner, helping with homework, etc).

Yes, I was a bit put out that he went to the pub rather than straight round to mine last night but not enough to cause a scene with him about it.

RedFocus Thu 13-Feb-14 14:52:52

My husband does this all the time. When I say "what did I say then" he repeats what I've said word for word. He is listening but perhaps you were going on a bit, he's only human ;-)

Dahlen Thu 13-Feb-14 14:58:59

He's not that bothered.

If you respect someone you grant them your full attention when they are talking to you about something that matters to them. Especially when the relationship is still new enough that they're not living together and therefore could still be expected to be on best behaviour.

It's not a good sign.

If he's normally respectful and willing to listen, and if the text message checking was because he was waiting to receive a text about something significant, that might be different.

But this would certainly be stored in the 'things to keep an eye on and see if they become a pattern worth LTB for' folder in my head.

As an aside, I'd be really quite concerned about his drinking. He may not be an antisocial drunk or anything, but if he's drinking daily after work he will be exceeding his weekly alcohol unit allowance and that will store up health consequences for the future. He needs to find more healthy ways of de-stressing after work.

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 13-Feb-14 15:01:33

Why did he 'insist' on coming when you'd specifically told him you wanted to be on your own? That's more odd to me than his behaviour when he got there.
Oh and people shouldn't be shouting at you at work - end of. I'd ask to speak to the person (or someone senior to you?) and explain that you would prefer feedback in private if there is a problem with your work in future. That should make them pipe down. There's always an office gobshite wanting to show how important they are isn't there? If you stand up to them (calmly) then they'll probably be v embarassed.

Good luck with it all xxx

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