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Long distance relationship and his ds long sorry!

(10 Posts)
Tash108 Wed 12-Feb-14 17:19:41

Been a lurker for far too long but feel the need to post today! In a long term (7 years) long distance relationship. We are 6 hours apart and spend about 50% of our time together. It's not perfect but the majority of the time we are very happy.

His ds lives with his exw and my ds lives with me. Both boys, (13 yrs) are settled in school, friendship groups etc. DP cannot (and I fully support) up sticks and move in with us, and I cannot uproot my son and take him to live with DP (which DP fully supports) as he is happy at school and very close to my elderly mother who is becoming increasingly frail. We are both serial entrepreneurs and have businesses in both locations.

It was a very bitter split between DP and ExW who despite having had a number of affairs, bullying him and telling him she was going to pay for someone to kill him, took massive umbrage when I came on the scene a couple of months after they split. She says that I am to blame for the break up of her marriage, the meltdown of her life etc etc. Oh did I say that she is an alcoholic with bi-polar who doesn't take her medication.

She has spent the last few years turning the poor son against me and so as a result, despite being consistently invited to and included in the things we do as a family, he has barely taken part. We have lost endless amounts of money on holidays he says he is coming on and then pulls out of with days to spare. He sees DP a couple of times a month on his own for a few hours after school.

The last time I saw him was over a year ago, which ended abruptly when I told him off for being a rude little shit and he cried to ExW and she immediately picked him up. I feel sorry for the kid and our policy of being consistent and always including him doesn't seem to have got us anywhere.

My Ds has been able to forge a good relationship with DP over the past few years but I feel like I barely know his child. At Xmas, we didn't have any opportunity to see him as he was whisked away for all the holidays. At that time, DP asked if he could have him for the half term coming up and we said that we would spend it at my home. This was agreed at the time with ExW.

EXw has now said that she cannot support him coming as why should he spend the holidays with someone who wrecked their lives? WTF? She told my DP that she thinks they were blissfully happy before he met me. He was pretty annoyed with her and said she is being very selective with the truth.

So we are a few days away from half term and I don't know whether the child is coming or not. As DP has been waiting for him rather than coming earlier I have not now seen him for longer than usual which is putting a strain on us.

The way I feel now I don't give a flying fuck whether DP's Ds comes or not. Which I feel rotten about as I want to support DP in his desire to be part of his son's life. He didn't see him for nearly 18 months because ExW blocked access. Have an extremely good relationship with DP's adult son, so I'm not an ogre!

I am so tired with all this, why can't she move on? It's been 7 years, not 7 months. The stress is giving me insomnia, I didn't get to sleep until 4.30am last night.

Any thoughts? Feel like I'm going nuts and feel really drained and isolated.

Jan45 Wed 12-Feb-14 17:27:32

Tell you what she aint gonna change her view so it's more of the same. Easy to say I know but you really need to detach from this, this is not your son, you can still support your DP without getting so involved and upset by it all, again, I know easy to say.

Your DP should be seeing his son for more than twice a month for a few hours and tbh if son wants to see his dad on his own then I think your DP should accommodate this and yes this will be at your expense but really what choice do you both have, his son will grow up quick enough and be able to make his own mind up.

shey02 Wed 12-Feb-14 17:33:46

Hugs. It's awful when someone in the background cannot move on and feels the need to control people. My bf's ex is the same, she was happy as a sandboy for 4 years until he met me and became happy himself. When she thought she had the better life; the family house, the kids, etc, she was fine. Soon as he fell in love with me it was WW3! Jealousy, bitterness......? I feel inner outrage that a stranger to me, that I've never done anything bad to can influence my life so much.....

I'd let go a bit, detach, it's the only thing that is helping me cope with not being able to forge a relationship with my bf's kids (which I really want so much).

Tash108 Wed 12-Feb-14 17:35:27

Thanks Jan45, DP wants to see him for more than that but he spends loads of occasions sitting there twiddling him thumbs after arrangements have been made only for ExW to say hours later that son didn't feel like seeing him after all. We spend 50% of our time apart so that he can be available for his son but it averages out at a few hours a month with my DP being let down time and time again

Tash108 Wed 12-Feb-14 17:38:26

Thanks shey02, I thank my lucky stars that I have a lovely relationship with his adult son so maybe this one will happen in time when he is not under her influence so much

Tash108 Wed 12-Feb-14 19:33:15

Any more thoughts lovely mumsnetters?

Parsley1234 Wed 12-Feb-14 19:39:06

A little thought well more empathy I'm in long distance relationship 3 hrs apart one day night a week and one weekend a month it's tough. My son 10 may go boarding at 13 because he wants to I Wd prefer flexi because I think I will miss him a lot so even then we will still have two homes plus my business is here his is there my bf has two done 17 and 21 it Wd break my heart if their mum was horrible about me and so hard for the boys. Having said that my sons father is awful about dp so my son doesn't want to meet him it's tough

Mishmashfamily Wed 12-Feb-14 19:41:22

tash there is nothing you can do sad

Support dp, keep good relations with dp older son. It's a shitter but he will soon be old enough to see what's she is doing.

If you post in step parents you might get some good advise


Mishmashfamily Wed 12-Feb-14 19:41:33


Tash108 Wed 12-Feb-14 19:48:57

Good advice mishmashfamily, parsley1234 thanks for your empathy

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