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Advice again please??

(7 Posts)
Madonnaquintessential Wed 12-Feb-14 14:22:18

Posted here not so ling back regarding drama with inlaws. Since that post things escalated - so basically MIL and SIL are not speaking to me. My dh is speaking to MIL but not sis. I feel quite low about it all - wary too. I recently went on ADs which helped massively... Now i feel a real knockback has occured in my psyche. I want to get along with Inlaws for dhs sake but they are very difficult. MIL is hyprochondriac, depressed drama queen. (Harsh , but true ) sil is basically a mouthy, aggresive chav ( again, harsh- but it os the best way to describe her) I am no snob believe me ... But sil takes chav to new level ! Despite rest of fam being well mannered, decent people etc
After a big fall out of mil interfering again, my sil threatened to smack me one ! ( its like jetemy kyle lol ) God help me!
Mil wants me and dh to split and sil has spread lies that we are using our dd as a weapon ( total lie! Never would!)
All of this is incredibly immature amd pathetic, but unfortunately I am in the middle of it as his family seem to hate me (despite whole thing being started by my dh storming out on me .)
So basically... What do i do? What would you do? Is it wrong to not want to speak to them again? Just want whats best for dd...

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 12-Feb-14 14:38:04

"I want to get along with Inlaws for dhs sake but they are very difficult".

That is not going to happen.

They are impossible and would be impossible for anyone at all reasonable to get along with. It is not your fault they are dysfunctional, you did not make them this way. If your DH wants to speak still to his mother that is up to him (he is still in the fear, obligation and guilt state with regards to her) but that does not mean that you and your DD have to be involved in any aspect of their lives. Your job as parent is to protect your child from such malign influences.

You likely too come from a family unit where this type of familial dysfunction is absolutely unknown so that makes it difficult for you to deal with as well.

You cannot however, apply the "normal" rules of familial interaction to such people, infact the rule book goes out the window when it comes to dysfunctional families like your DHs.

Some grandparents as well really should not be allowed any access to their grandchildren.

And no it is not wrong to not want to speak to them ever again.
A good rule of thumb here is that if they are too difficult/toxic/abusive for you, they are far too toxic and difficult for both your vulnerable and defenceless child. Given their behaviour as well towards both you and DH they bring nothing at all positive into your lives and they will not bring anything positive into your child's life either. The best thing you can do is detach and ignore any histrionics on their part.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as that may help you. I would also suggest you post too on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

Detach, disengage and ignore. Do not rise to any bait. BTW if they do start sending abusive text messages or e-mails report them to the authorities as that action is a criminal offence. Infact I would now block their numbers from your phone and e-mail account.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 12-Feb-14 14:43:38

I think a line in the sand is called for. Not with your ILs because you can't reason with unreasonable people but with your DH. You, he and DD are family. A unit. When you're a family, IMHO, people either accept you all with good grace or they're off the list. You are not some optional extra that can be left at home while he cosies up to a mother that thinks you should split up. You are a not-negotiable part of his life. His first loyalty should therefore be to you and DD and that's the message he should give his mother. Either she shapes up, accepts you as a permanent fixture and treats you decently or the whole family (you, DH and DD) will be lost to her.

You shouldn't have to be on ADs to cope. Your DH should be on your side and he shouldn't have to be told that.

Madonnaquintessential Wed 12-Feb-14 15:05:18

Thanks to both of you. May I just clarify his mother has done a lot for us. But Most of the time I felt it was imposed upon us through manipulation (eg new year... Told us she will babysit and we go out, bought me a dress for xmas to go out in- this was after her original new year plans were cancelled by her mate.) How could we say; 'well actually we just want a quiet eve in'when a dress was bought! She knows then that she can stay over night too as dh had a drink so cant drop her home and I was always too weak to say no to her staying as didnt want to hurt her ( idiot i know) So basically she did this primarily so she wouldn't be alone NYE- but made it look like it was doin us a favour iyswim? I know this may sound far fetched presumption of me to make but in the context it is def not... Trust me!
So she will impose her help upon us (as she is lonely) and does it through gifts too... Eg at xmas she stayed 3 nights with us despite my family being down to visit. I didnt want her to but felt obliged as se had bought the xmas dinner for us as our xmas pressie. Dh said i was being mean (he now understand completely what i mean in light of recent events- thankfully!) So it is hard to say no to someone who is manipulating you with 'im lonely' and giving gifts etc. plus she cries all the time and then runs to her mad daughter who is very aggresive.
Dh is by my side 200% now! ADs are for mild Pnd- not because of his family! Though they certainly played a part in it as I felt quite trapped and sufficated at such a vulnerable time as having a new baby.

Madonnaquintessential Wed 12-Feb-14 15:16:42

Not having anything to with her just seems so harsh givin all she has done... But a lot of her gestures have been to er own advantage. The sil i am happy to never see again.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 12-Feb-14 15:24:18

"May I just clarify his mother has done a lot for us. But Most of the time I felt it was imposed upon us through manipulation"

That's because it was really manipulation. Same with the gifts; such can and are used to manipulate their chosen victims further. Its about further exerting power and control on their victims.

If neither his mother or his sister can behave then you have nothing to do with them. It is certainly not harsh treatment towards them for doing that.

You would not tolerate any of this from a friend, your MIL and SIL are truly no different.

Madonnaquintessential Wed 12-Feb-14 15:33:28

Attilia you are right. I would not put up with this from anyone else. Eeek, now I have to bite the bullet and tell dh :/

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