Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My sister has told me she was abused. (long)

(15 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

stollibolli Wed 12-Feb-14 13:53:30

Yesterday my sister told me that the childminders son had sexually abused her numerous times and had tried to rape her when she was 12.This lead to her selfharming.

Needless to say I'm devastated for her and feel helpless. She says she isn't going to report it as their is no evidence, it would be her word against his. She also doesn't want any counselling.

I'm the only one in the family she has told, her two best friends have helped and supported her over the years and helped her to stop selfharmimng. She isn't sure about telling our parents as she still slightly blames them.

I feel that my parents, my other sister and I have failed her as none of us knew about the abuse or the self harming, and she's felt she couldn't speak to us for years she's now 22.

I don't know what to do now or whether I need to do anything other than support her.

ListenToTheLady Wed 12-Feb-14 14:02:39

Didn't want to leave this unanswered. I don't have experience of this exact situation but have suffered something similar to your sister. I would say the most important thing is that you say how sorry you are that you weren't able to help at the time (by this I don't mean you should blame yourself, not at all, but it expresses how you feel) and say you are glad she told you and you care, and you will be there to listen and help in any way you can. If this feels awkward to say, you could put it in a card.

Don't put pressure on her to report it, this is something she may decide in her own time. She's obviously dealing with the issue at the moment as she's decided to tell you about it. These things can sink and then resurface time and again.

You sound like a caring sister and if you can be there for her, believe her and listen, however long it takes and however often, that will be doing a kind and helpful thing for her.

ListenToTheLady Wed 12-Feb-14 14:03:35

(btw my posting name is new, but completely coincidental!)

RiaOverTheRainbow Wed 12-Feb-14 14:16:54

Given the length of time I think supporting her is all you need to (can?) do. Maybe suggest she doesn't rule out counselling, if not now then for the future. I know 'don't blame yourself' is easier said than done but the fact that she told you shows she clearly really trusts you.

stollibolli Wed 12-Feb-14 14:47:31

Thanks for your comments.

I've told her I'm here whenever she needs I'll listen and I won't ask her lots of questions. I've also said that I'd support her when and if she wants to say anything to our parents and sister.

I've said how glad I am that she did have her friends to speak to and that she could eventually tell me.

Selfishly I want to face him and tell him I know I obviously wouldn't do this. Also very selfishly it feels that our memories have been spoilt.

Honeysweet Wed 12-Feb-14 14:55:07

I could be wring, but she could report it to the police and just have it logged.
If he is or has dont it to someone else or something happens in the future, it helps police to build up a picture.

She might also be eligible for victim support if she wanted it.

You may get more advice on say Chat if you posted this in there.

RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 13-Feb-14 16:21:54


We've moved this thread to Relationships now.

jessjessjess Fri 14-Feb-14 10:38:45

I would recommend she calls Rape Crisis.

SauceForTheGander Fri 14-Feb-14 10:43:52

I'm so sorry to hear this. This charity are for adults who were abused as children. They may be able to help all of you deal with what happened.

I'm no expert but I'm sure your sister feels relieved you believe her and will gain strength from that.

stollibolli Sat 15-Feb-14 11:09:45

Thanks for the replies I will talk to her again this week and suggest she get in contact with the various agencies suggested.

BuggarMeGently Wed 19-Feb-14 20:32:20

She can make a statement and have it left on file, I think.

Let her lean on you. Now she's made the move to confide in you, a lot of deeply buried memories will have been released-she may now be unable to handle them alone. As she has,a history of self harm, she may be tempted to turn to this again.

Try to convince her to seek outside help- to confide in her GP, Saveannah, or Rape Crisis.

My heart goes out to you. thanks

Logg1e Wed 19-Feb-14 20:37:49

I wouldn't do anything. I'm not sure that giving her a list of contacts is helpful and I certainly don't think you should suggest she goes to the police. This is her business, all you should do is listen and believe her.

BuggarMeGently Wed 19-Feb-14 20:47:39

Sorry, I came over all clinical because it took me ages to compose that reply. I was trying to help. Sorry if it seemed otherwise. Log is right- going to the police is a while down the road yet: let her get used to the fact that she has finally shared her secret, and that she has been believed.

Logg1e Wed 19-Feb-14 20:49:45

BuggarMeGently I don't think OP should presume that her sister is ever going to go to the police.

BuggarMeGently Wed 19-Feb-14 21:01:07

Point taken. smile

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: