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What do you do when you don't like your best friends husband?

(16 Posts)
AwfulMaureen Wed 12-Feb-14 12:07:47

We've been close for 30 years and they've been married for 3. Prior to them marrying, I also knew him...they went out together and lived together for 7 years so he's nothing new iykwim.

I've just never got on with rapport...he is very, very quiet and hardly contributes to conversation...which is fair enough...but it means that we don't socialise as couples..her, him, me and DH because her DH makes it all feel awkward.

Anyway..I see her without him...we have a close friendship and see one another once a week now we live ten miles apart and we have regular catch ups on the phone.

She, like me likes to talk for about an hour...we both call one another at times when our children are in bed so we can talk.

When I call her he answers and says "What do YOU want?" in a sort of cod-jokey manner hmm but after him doing it over and over, I've just realised that I have not called her at all...she has been calling me and sometimes he says things to her when she's talking to me like "I haven't bloody seen you all day and you're on the phone again!!"

It's pissing me off. I don't hassle her to chat..and she doesn't hassle me...we've had this way about us for years really...she might text and say "Got time to chat?" or I might...but I've stopped as he makes me feel like some needy friend who is always bothering them.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 12-Feb-14 12:33:35

I expect your friend talks to you all the time not simply because she likes you but because she can't have a conversation with Mr Dish-Rag. You're probably a life-line, truth be told.

Being the kind of person I am I'd probably line up some deadpan responses to 'what do YOU want?'... e.g 'I wanted to tell <friend> we passed the pole-dancing audition .. she around?'

Meerka Wed 12-Feb-14 12:37:57

<Laughs out loud at the poledancing> ... really did!

I don't know, maureen, it sounds really difficult. With those sorts of comments its gotta be hard to keep ringing and keep going. can you develop a sort of bumptious carapace? "yep! it's me again!" ... all bright and cheerful. And ignore how he makes you feel, just concentrate on her. If you pay any attention to him, you might find the friendship gradually cooling just because you're made to feel awkward

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Wed 12-Feb-14 12:59:22

Erm... has he actually done anything wrong? Being a bit irritating doesn't count. Presumably he makes her happy? To be honest, you're not a great friend if you can't be bothered to make an effort to speak to her because you find him slightly annoying. Maybe he struggles socially and doesn't know what to say. Who knows. I'm not always one for giving people the benefit of the doubt, but I think you're being really unfair on him and her.

Custardo Wed 12-Feb-14 13:03:11

I have my friends - as long as they are happy in their relationship, its got shit all to do with me.

I think you have to make a small effort for your friends sake.

Listen to this shit - could all go horribly friend broke up from her long term partner of 8 years, we were going on hols with grown up dd and partner she asked if she could come - absolutely no problem. then she gets in a relationship, I have met this person once - they are coming on holiday with us

its a clusterfuck waiting to happen isn't it? shame as this friend makes me laugh til I cry

Mojang Wed 12-Feb-14 13:19:36

Honestly? I think he has a point. How often do you have these hour long phonecalls in addition to meeting up once a week?

If my DH spent all "our" time after DCs in bed talking to his mates I'd make sarky remarks from time to time.

If she's happy it really has nothing at all to do with you. FWIW socialising as couples is over-rated IMO, I'd much rather meet my friends without Dh so we can catch up properly without having to include the OHs in conversation.

Twinklestein Wed 12-Feb-14 13:35:17

You have my sympathy OP.

A friend of mine's husband does this and it's so annoying. He's good company in the flesh though. He's just a bit controlling and possessive about her being on the phone. A mutual friend of ours packed her in because she said she could not have another conversation with husband breathing down their necks. In the end I feel it's up to my friend to tell her husband to bugger off and stand up to him.

Can you tell ask how does she feel about it and tell her you find it annoying?

Equally I can't bear my sister's husband, he's just a twit from end to sides. I see her mainly on her own or with the kids. We do dinner regularly with them, however always invite other people so that his fatuous comments are drowned out...

FetchezLaVache Wed 12-Feb-14 13:50:53

I am loving the expression "twit from end to sides", Twinkle! grin

Similar position here, don't much like my BF's DP, for no particular reason. So I just pretend I do.

JeanSeberg Wed 12-Feb-14 13:53:48

Do you call the landline or is he answering her mobile for her?

AwfulMaureen Wed 12-Feb-14 14:07:08

Mojang he doesn't even have a frigging job and he has loads of "our time" with her. We're not talking daily ffs and when you get married, it does not mean that all the spare time is "our time"

Jean it varies to be honest but he never answers her mobile. If I call the landline it's because she or I have texted first. He just gets to it first.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Wed 12-Feb-14 14:31:54

Am still struggling to see what your problem is really- and why you can't put those feelings aside for the same of your friendship. You just seem to have developed an irrational hatred of him. Unless there's more to tell?

Mojang Wed 12-Feb-14 14:38:18

Hmm, well your original post did lead me to believe that he was complaining that he hadn't seen her all day! Of course all down time isn't "our time" just because you're married but he's not being unreasonable if she's spending long hours chatting to you one night and someone else the next.

Regardless, it's really not your issue. If its a problem for her, she needs to deal with it.

Honeysweet Wed 12-Feb-14 14:40:43

Grin and bear it.

JeanSeberg Wed 12-Feb-14 14:54:19

I would always call her mobile in future, avoid him having the chance to come out with his sarcastic comments.

purplebaubles Wed 12-Feb-14 15:00:19

Sadly, I just don't see her as much now/hardly at all.

They didn't come to our wedding because he had 'mistakenly' booked a surprise holiday for exactly that date (hmm...yes, of course he did!)

They came here once for a meal, as a couple I mean, and turned up with his favourite take out all the way from their local, because that's all he wanted to eat. He then basically sat there in silence eating it.

I think he's an arse to be honest. It's sad, because it would be lovely to hang out as a four, but it's never going to work. God knows why she's with him! But then, they do say opposites attract hmm

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Wed 12-Feb-14 15:34:11

Next time he starts saying it chime in with him for the end of the sentence '...what do YOU want - HAHAHA oooh I can set my watch by you! Do you know I practically NEVER hear you say anything except that sentence! So funny. Yes, it's me. Gosh, you'd think I call you every day but do you know the last time was -ooh - over three weeks ago? Maybe I should call more often actually. What do you think?'

then when you see them all together next put laxatives in his tea

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