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Getting over loss of self esteem after husband's affair

(13 Posts)
Onmyownwith4kids Wed 12-Feb-14 10:50:20

I posted on here a while ago . My husband had an affair. Was living with the other woman's family and at the same time begging me for another chance. Thanks to the wise advice here I resisted strong urge to take him back. He's left his girlfriend says the marriage break up is my fault as I can't let the past go. I'm trying to build a new life but it's hard. I feel like all my self worth has gone. The fact that someone who claimed to love me, married me, had 4 children with me could lie, cheat and deceive over almost a year has left me broken and feeling worthless. Had anyone else felt like this? Does this feeling go away?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 12-Feb-14 11:01:23

Yes and yes. However, in my case I had zero contact with my ex and this, although very difficult at first, made it easier to move on, rebuild my confidence and remind myself that I was a worthwhile person and that his behaviour was his problem rather any reflection on me. If yours has been in contact enough that he can beg you to come back or blame you for this, that and the other then you are going to really struggle to shake off his influence.

Ashley Cole screwed around despite being married to the talented Cheryl. Prince Charles kept a longstanding OW on the go despite being with the charming Princess of Wales. In short, no-one is immune from a cheating husband and, whilst it is pretty crushing, it doesn't make them worth more or less in the process.

Paddlingduck Wed 12-Feb-14 11:58:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Onmyownwith4kids Wed 12-Feb-14 12:16:15

What made it worse was one of my work colleagues went out with someone from his work and I was treated to all the gory details early this week. The woman he had the affair with made it clear she wanted a man at any cost. She'd tried it on with others who turned her down. It hurts so much that my husband was so weak and his family meant so little he let her massage his pathetic ego. I want to stop it occupying my thoughts, I hate her for feeling entitled to get involved with a married father of 4, I hate him for what he's done and hate myself for being so consumed with anger and hurt. I just want it to stop

handfulofcottonbuds Wed 12-Feb-14 12:50:05

You have to let people know that you do not want to hear about him. I am still in touch with 2 members of my H's family as we were always close, but I have made it clear that I don't want to hear anything about him and they respect that.

Each time you hear a little something, your tummy starts burning and you feel like it's flipping over - in a bad way. Cut it out altogether. If people start talking about him, tell them you cannot hear it. Some people love a gossip but this is your reality and it's hard.

You are not worthless, you have your dignity, they don't! You have your DCs who love you and need you as their Mum.

I agree with cog too as I tend to think of all the 'beautiful' people who have been cheated on - I tend to focus on Justin Timberlake a little bit too much but, he was cheated on! It doesn't matter what you do or who you are, if the opportunity is there, the morals are gone and the weakness and selfishness has set in - cheating is a small step away.

You will come out of this better than him. The OW sounds worthless and obviously has insecurities, don't give her the time to invade your thoughts.

Onmyownwith4kids Wed 12-Feb-14 13:32:20

It's great to see you on here handful..I've followed your story from the start and have been so inspired with how well you've dealt with things..It's silly isn't it. I can read your thread and think your husband is an idiot who has clearly thrown away the best relationship he'll ever have but when it happens to me I blame myself. You've been an inspiration and hopefully this time next year our cheating husbands won't even feature in our thoughts..I've just lost faith in human nature a bit..These other women that are prepared to ride roughshod over everybody else's feelings, my husband's mother who invited his affair partner round for cosy chats with no judgement whatsoever..It's going to be so hard to trust again when I see how low people can stoop..

Birdsofafeather Wed 12-Feb-14 13:39:35

My husbands affair lasted a year. It started when our dd was a newborn. When I found out he lied as to who she was, moved out to be with her, shagged her loads (found their emails) then came back saying he wanted another go. I tried but had a niggling feeling something wasn't right, months of feeling shit later and he was still seeing her.

A year on and my self esteem has been pretty much rebuilt. I'm a different woman with a zest for life. Because of childcare etc I see him for about 5 mins a week which works well, all other contact is via text and
Email. If I see him longer than 5 mins thoughts of 'us' creep in and I have to remind myself of what he did.

If you're like me, in time you'll forget/forgive the affair, but not the way YOU were made to feel when the affair was going on and how YOU were made to feel on discovery and the aftermath.

You are most welcome to PM hon x

Onmyownwith4kids Wed 12-Feb-14 14:06:40

Birds, What I can't understand is why these men behave like that..How could anyone say they wanted to come back and give the marriage another go and then carry on with the affair. Is he still with his affair partner..It seems half the time they throw away what they've got for something that ends up not lasting anyway

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 12-Feb-14 14:31:32

I think, a lot of the time, we ascribe ulterior motives and deep thinking to these things when the truth is that it was probably no more than what felt good at the time. Impulsive, selfish, irresponsible, bit of flattery thrown in... We'd like to think all of this pain & upset is as a result of some momentous decision & much careful agonising and deliberation but I don't think that's necessarily the case. We'd like to think they regret this impulsive choice and the distress caused. We want their life is poorer the way ours is suddenly poorer but, again, many go on to be perfectly happy.

One of my favourite films is Moonstruck. In it the character played by Olympia Dukakis asks 'why do men chase women?' and 'why would a man need more than one woman?' and she gets the answer 'because he fears death'. I think for some people, a safe, comfortable family life just stops being interesting.

Onmyownwith4kids Wed 12-Feb-14 15:20:44

Cogito..I agree with you they aren't thinking it's all motivated by their own selfish entitlement..The trouble is there was quite a lot of planning that went into it..the plotting and planning and excuses and lying to my face over and over again.It's so hard to understand how someone can be so cold and calculated and manipulative with someone they claim to love..i suppose I'm just a bit too black and white..if I suddenly met someone who was my "soulmate" or the love of my life I couldn't live with myself if I was conducting my new relationship whilst my husband was looking after the children. I could certainly not trot back to him and sleep with him and tell him I loved him whilst carrying on behind his back with someone else..I can't get into the heads of people who can carry on like that. My husband has said he loves me not her but she gave him the sort of relationship he wanted with me..No worrying about childcare or money or day to day realities getting in the way of life..i feel such a mug..Of course they didn't have to worry about childcare..i was doing it..wouldn't have been so exciting with four kids in tow!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 12-Feb-14 15:31:13

"My husband has said he loves me not her but she gave him the sort of relationship he wanted with me.."

Well that's just a pile of self-justifying, insulting horse-shit isn't it? Obviously for a time he was wondering which way to jump and this rubbish formed part of his rationale. How offensive to let you in on his twisted critique of your partnership pros and cons! How dare he make comparisons and then tell you why you didn't make the cut. hmm You're not some Amazon purchase or Trip Advisor review.... you're a human being with feelings.

handfulofcottonbuds Wed 12-Feb-14 17:04:55

onmyown - you have really choked me, that is such a lovely thing to say!

I know everyone deals with this trauma differently but you can see, like I have, how many women on here do get over the loss of self esteem and do create a different life for themselves.

He has treated you appallingly and you don't deserve it. You're so right that he was weak to 'go there' when none of the other husbands would. I truly believe it has nothing to do with the family he had, it was an ego boost and he was thinking with his man bits.

To compare you both is beyond repulsion - you are the dignified, kind hearted, beautiful woman. There is no comparison!

Try not to question the whys and wherefores (sp), you will never understand just like I won't. You will drive yourself crazy. Someone on my thread suggested I actually push thoughts of my H out of my mind, it took some practice but I did it. The burning feeling left me a while ago.

Will I trust anyone again? I think I will, I refuse to let his selfishness cloud my judgement of others who I may get close to, even if I am a little guarded for a while. There are good people out there, many of them are on here!

Loopytiles Wed 12-Feb-14 17:11:27

Blaming you for the marriage breaking down because you wouldn't take him back after that? He still isn't taking responsibility is he!

You sound great, and like you made a good decision.

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