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I actually hate my mil

(427 Posts)
bethcutler13 Wed 12-Feb-14 09:17:31

I apologise for the rant but there is a lot to explain!
I hate and I mean hate (silently hate she has no idea) my mil. To be honest from the day I went round the in laws house to meet them they proved themselves to be petty, manipulative, controlling assholes and I should have run for the hills! My mil screamed at my other half, crying and telling him he was a disappointment because he hasn't been over in 4 weeks (he had a rough patch whereby he kept himself to himself) and they could not stand the fact that since he's grown into his own person he isn't doting on them, calling everyday, visiting every week and smothering his mother in presents (she actually brought up that he never buys her anything nice when he visits!)
Since then, they've done nothing but bully him, make him feel worthless and guilty for not being a sporty, wealthy, sucsessful banker who visits his parents every other day. His mother has moments of screaming and crying at us, one of these being when we told them we were expecting...I got dragged on a walk with my mil where I was expected to explain myself fpr being pregnant! She cried and made me promise if my baby died not to try again until we were "ready" (shs meant they were ready, when it was on their terms!) They continued to yell and scream into the night about how awful it was that a 25 year old man is having a baby and he should be focusing on work blah blah blah until I snapped and told her she was a bully.
Since having my baby, she has smothered her...brought her ridiculous outfits (I have a tomboy she doesn't want your pink, fluffy, netted dresses) and manipulate everyone to get her way 24/7. They threw paddys saying they wanted us over every weekend which we tried to do but it's tough when my oh works full time and we only get 2 days together to sort everything and spend family time and now after demanding our time constantly and screaming and crying when it doesn't happen they've moved to Jersey because they've been offered work where they can make loads of money (theyre money obsessed and already have loads) and now when theyre back they want us to drop everything and spend every second with them, that or hand our dd over to them regardless of the fact they have moved away from her and don't know how to look after her and she doesn't know them!
They have been nothing but bullies the whole time I've known them especially my mil who simply cries to get her way and I'm sick of it. They offer no support, constantly nag and when we try to treat them and be thoughtful it goes unnoticed or isn't enough.
If she fell off the face of this earth I wouldn't miss her. If I had listened to her my dd wouldn't be here, if in my vulnerable hormonal state their bullying had got to me I could have aborted her yet they think they have grandparents rights? !
euggh!
Sorry :'(
Gelp?

bethcutler13 Wed 12-Feb-14 13:57:38

I will try and find that thread and have a read of it. Im nee to this so no idea how to have this moved x

ohfourfoxache Wed 12-Feb-14 14:13:26

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1995046-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families

This is the latest thread with links to previous.

I've reported this to mnhq asking for it to be moved to relationships but I don't know if they will do this at the request of a poster - you may have to report it yourself or they might contact you to ask if it is ok to move it

bethcutler13 Wed 12-Feb-14 14:14:38

Okay. Thank you. I will try and contact them. X

ohfourfoxache Wed 12-Feb-14 14:15:27

Welcome to mn btw! X

bethcutler13 Wed 12-Feb-14 14:16:24

Thank you! X

ohfourfoxache Wed 12-Feb-14 14:18:14

Oh, and even through we've suggested stately homes please don't feel that you should post there instead of this thread - the most important thing is to get support? I just don't want you to think that you can only seek that in one place!

Sadoldbag Wed 12-Feb-14 14:22:31

Op are you my sil we seem to have the same mother in law expect mine is also a rasicst

bethcutler13 Wed 12-Feb-14 14:23:29

Of course. You've all been helpful anyway. Nice to know I'm not crazy!

ohfourfoxache Wed 12-Feb-14 14:29:01

Definitely not crazy - sadly there are a lot of them about. It's amazing how you can become accustomed to accepting it as "normal" behaviour, it's only when you take a step back and see it for what it is do you realise how manipulative some people can be

Greatnorthrunner Wed 12-Feb-14 14:31:22

Sounds like you have a long road ahead op if you don't take control of the situation.
I know it sounds awful to you to turn your phone off but I think it's a great suggestion. Slowly take the control back.
Perhaps also dilute her company by inviting others over at same time. I have a friend who has difficulties with her il's. We often go for lunch when they are visiting. Likewise they come to us when my il's are here. It works well for us.

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs Wed 12-Feb-14 14:56:46

Thing is, I would feel like im depriving my dd of her grandparents, who treat her like gold!

Have a look at your DH, then ask yourself. Do you want to turn DD into him? Do you want to pass on the difficulties with them to her????

Because if you make sure she sees them often, they will continue to expect it and will guilt her terribly into doing it. By giving them a large part in her life, you will give them that ammunition.

This is spot on.

Op, being a nice person to your mad in laws actually gets trumped by being a responsible parent to your child.

Its quite weird to read your op because I could have written it almost word for word.

Right down to the disappointed he wasn't a banker comments, and the constant crying which mine uses to get the whole family on side.

I used to think like you - that my DC had to see their GP I also lost a parent...and felt sorry my DC had fewer GP than most.

I also tried to be nice...made effort with bdays,xmas for the whole family....

My DH also crumbles when when faced with them....a total people pleaser.....and every time he sees them he turns back into that meek little boy who had to fall in line....

You can do this the hard way or the easy way. Your DH has a longer road than you to travel down.

It will be much easier if you make the decision yourself to stop this behaviour, to stop these bullies and live life on your own terms.

Once you have that clear in your head....eventually everything else will fall into place.

Are really so afraid of upsetting them that you are willing to carry on living this strange half life..why are your own feelings and wants not as valid?

What is the worst that can happen? They dont talk to you, they cut you off?

Don't make any big declarations just promise yourself you will stand firm, and turn down, be busy, make up excuses, avoid phone calls and so on when they try and contact you.

when they interrogate you like employees as to why you didnt answer phone and so on, say busy, didnt see call....lefyt phone at home and so on.

when they say where are you at soft play, you say yes and its not appropriate for you to come...they ask why, jusT say ....because I SAID SO.

I WILL tell you the worst that can happen...that is your DD spends so much time with them she gets brain washed, they gets their hooks into her and expetc to see her lots more.

I have gone through this, its not fun, we have cut visits right down adn yet even after a 3 hours visit once in a while we still suffer with dc moods.

Good luck op, use your anger to initiate change. and move forward.

you are in the driving seat of your own life no one else.

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs Wed 12-Feb-14 15:01:10

I'd sign over my child to her

Yep! Same here.

Famzilla Wed 12-Feb-14 15:04:26

She sounds just like my mum.

Stop hoping she'll see the error of her ways, she won't. I bore the brunt of her narcissistic rage for my entire life. I was a fat, stupid, ugly, arrogant, skanky whoreish disappointment who was supposedly set out to tear her apart. When I was pleasing her things were ok, I just had to remember to bring gifts everytime I visited and do exactly as she told me to do. I was terrified of her, I attempted suicide twice.

When my daughter was born something changed within me. She flew into a narcissistic rage one day because I made decisions about where the band were going to play at MY wedding and she didn't agree. She screamed at me that I was an embarrassment and a rude ungrateful little cow (I was paying for the wedding, had turned her offer of money towards it as I knew she would use it as a stick to beat me with). I snapped. I told her exactly what she was.

I got a lot of abuse for months. Threats to come to my house and smash down the door etc. I told her that unless she apologised I'd have nothing to do with her. She has never apologised.

She tried to guilt me into letting her have access to DD, saying that grandparents are good for the child and that I would be depriving DD. Stability, unconditional love and a calm environment are good for a child. Treading on eggshells around a grown woman's tantrums are not.

It's hard OP, I'm 24 and have no contact with any of my birth family. But I'm learning things about myself, I had always done as I was told before and as such didn't have much of an opinion on anything. It's exciting, I come more and more out of my shell every day.

Sorry for waffling on, I guess I'm just trying to say that sometimes it's best just to let go of your dreams of a perfect family.

bethcutler13 Wed 12-Feb-14 15:29:42

Oh my word it sounds like you've had a terrible time with your mil...im dreading planning my wedding now ive had to move in back a year due to my studying etc. Mil was overjoyed that she would be in the country by then to help plan and jumped put of her seat to congratulate me on moving it, she wants her claws in that too. Eugh :'( dont even know if I want to get married anymore!

The thought of them influencing my dd in any way gives me the shivers. Id hate her to grow up with the morals they have and/or to feel like my oh feels because of them. I wish I could run away, I would do tomorrow! X

MommyBird Wed 12-Feb-14 17:00:51

I would explain to DH your worries and maybe show him this thread.

My DH was very much 'but shes my mum and DDs nan' he was putting her feelings above mine.
It really struck him how not normal she is till he saw my reaction to her behaviour. He honestly was brainwashed.
She treated him so badly.

He said he could just ignore it but as it was effecting us and DD he wanted to try and sort it.
It didnt work.

The way she treated us when she didnt get her own way was vile. Guilt trips/manipulation and she would get FIl (her enabler) to also guilt trip us.

She contributed to my PND and honestly didnt care about anything or anyone aslong as she got her own way.
She even told people i had an eating disorder.

Its been 6 months now NC but she threatened me to 'sort it out' a few weeks ago and left it.

Nip this in the bud now. Your family WILL suffer for it.

bethcutler13 Wed 12-Feb-14 17:12:14

I showed him the comments and I think he's just embarrassed by his parents. I told him he needs to see a counsellor and he agrees but it doesn't mean he will...I also struggle to work out if hes just going along with what im saying or whether he genuinely agrees. I've made it clear I want to know how je really feels about it all and I wont be offended if he thinks different but i'm mot so sure.
devastated by all this and will start putting my foot down even if he wont. xsmile

FrankelInFoal Wed 12-Feb-14 17:16:27

Can you put the wedding off until you move to Oz? Or even just go to a registry office and do it your way without telling her? They have no right to be at your wedding if they are going to upset you and you are under no obligation whatsoever to tell them any details about your plans. In fact, I'd be inclined (if you feel they must be there) to keep them in the dark re date and venue, then spring it on them at short notice so they have no chance to influence you or, god forbid, try to disrupt it.

MommyBird Wed 12-Feb-14 17:17:27

I had to see a counseller due my MIL. She gave me tips on how to be assertive and even gave info to DH.

Thats when things started to change.

It will get worse before its get better. You will get the 'flying monkeys' (her family members) contacting you letting you know how upset she is.
Guilt trips, tears.. the works.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore!

MommyBird Wed 12-Feb-14 17:17:36

I had to see a counseller due my MIL. She gave me tips on how to be assertive and even gave info to DH.

Thats when things started to change.

It will get worse before its get better. You will get the 'flying monkeys' (her family members) contacting you letting you know how upset she is.
Guilt trips, tears.. the works.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore!

ohfourfoxache Wed 12-Feb-14 17:19:04

Oh bless him sad

You sound like a good team

bethcutler13 Wed 12-Feb-14 17:24:30

I could see a counsellor myself I guess...it may help me to be more assertive in life and perhaps cover other issues but I just feel it's her that's the issue and hate the idea of forking out a load of money to see someome about dealing with her.
I've got my heart set on my english barn wedding with all my family there, otherwise I would. nobody is coming to the actual registry office with us, just to keep them away from our special moment. dont want her there, that would ruin it for me. hmm
x

MommyBird Wed 12-Feb-14 17:34:35

I suffer with anxiety. Didnt know it was actually her that made me so anxious.
I saw my counseller through my doctor. It was NHS and it worked well.

She gave me assertive tips. How to respond to her behaviour and all sorts.

bethcutler13 Wed 12-Feb-14 18:56:45

It's definitely something I'll consider, sad to think I will need to seek professional help regarding my in laws, ive never come across people who behave like this and I find it very stressful. They've totally put me off the idea of being married to there son and furthermore part of their hideous family :/

Melonbreath Wed 12-Feb-14 19:19:31

At least your in laws are in Jersey. Mine are similar and only 30 minutes down the road.
I hate them as much as they hate me. Dh refuses to acknowledge how emotionally blackmailing, rude and controlling they are. He just does/says whatever they want.
mil says they foulest most unforgivable things to me to get her own way, and through dh she gets it and it's all sweetness and light again.
I've considered divorce if only to never have to be near them again.
I hate hate hate my in laws.

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs Wed 12-Feb-14 19:35:37

* I just feel it's her that's the issue and hate the idea of forking out a load of money to see someome about dealing with her*

How funny! I felt the same but if I could have afforded it I would have gone for some counselling to give me structures to lean on in PILS HURRICANE.

My pils drove us both to tranquillers. sad

Please dont invite them to your wedding, I was under enourmous pressure from well meaning friends who never quite got our situation to invite them, and I cant even bear now to see them in my wedding photos.

we were not talking at the time but we still invited them, we didnt have too, no card...no nice presents..they just ruined it.

please dont have them there on your special day.

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