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Am I stuck with him

(48 Posts)
mummyto2boysandagirl3 Wed 12-Feb-14 08:38:13

Some of u may have seen my thread on aibu the other day about me having mastitis and dh not helping.

I'm still not feeling well but iv had enough. I don't want to b with him anymore. He constantly belittles me for being a sahm ( prior to dc I had the "better" job) is short tempered with the dc (never violent) and overlooks the fact they r children he expects far too much from them. He is constantly moaning at me about everything but mostly money. I know we aren't flush and money is tight but if I buy anything at all I am in for days of constant moaning about the bills/bank balance. Yet it seems perfectly acceptable for him to go but xbox games and clothes for himself and of course his beer money for nights out once a month. If me or the dc dare to b Ill when he has a night out planned I will get hell about how he never gets to go anywhere (except football every Sunday and lads nights out after pay day every month and all his mates r getting married now so of course the stag dos) and I ruin everything for him. He will still go out then when I phone him to tell him he needs to come back cos oohs trip is needed I get given a mouthful about how unfair I am and he will sulk for days.

I don't even trust him anymore he's got this snapchat thing on his phone that deletes any pictures/msgs that have been sent y would he need that?

As stated in my other thread he never helps when I'm ill cos apparently I'm not ill/over reacting nothing is ever as serious as when he has it.

I did want 4 dc but I can't put up with him anymore. Anyone any advice on how I go about things? He was not like this before the dc this has been a gradual thing since having them we have grown apart massively and seems our views on parenting r polar opposite!

I haven't worked for 5 yrs so won't get a job that will anywhere near cover my child care costs and have no one that could step in as child care I also really don't want to leave my dc now that iv committed to being a sahm I feel guilty like I'm abandoning them even tho I know I am not some of the happiest kids I know have working mums and have a fantastic bond so pls no one take that the wrong way I am just a bit angry at thought of having to change how I parent as iv been happy with that.

Iv no friends at all all stopped speaking to me cos of dh and thinking back he used to put a stop to a lot of my socialising way back so by time the dc came a long I wasn't socialising at all as had literally no friends. He talked me in to coming off fb so I have no way of reconnecting with ppl now.

I have ocd and when I have asked him to leave he just tells me that he will have the dc taken from me cos of my mental illness.

Iv had enough I just want it to b me and the dc I think we would all b a lot happier but I have no idea how to do it cos I have no money or anything in my name apart from my name being on mortgage.

Sorry for long post and bit of a rant but if anyone has any advice I'd be v grateful I want a better life than this for my dc

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 12-Feb-14 08:46:06

I tend to think that, when you're placed in an unequal situation by someone using bullying behaviour, isolation and other emotionally abusive scare tactics, you need to even things up a little by getting as well-informed as possible. Currently you're making a lot of assumptions about your options and some of them are wrong. An OCD diagnosis for example would not cause anyone to take children from their mother as long as it was being treated, monitored and no-one was in danger. As SAHP, in fact, you'd have a stronger case to remain the resident parent.

Your DH would remain financially responsible for the children and, even if you couldn't work straight away, there would be quite a lot of state help for you as a lone parent.

So I'd strongly suggest - even if you're only thinking through your options at this stage - that you get sound legal and practical advice. Then you can speak from a position of knowledge and strength.

Walkacrossthesand Wed 12-Feb-14 09:09:47

As Cogito says - no, you're not stuck with him, but extricating yourself from a bullying man's lair will take strength, determination and a game-plan - when you feel it's time (ie you can find the strength and determination) , there will be a lot of support and hand-holding on here. He won't let you go easily, so from what I've read on here it's best to keep your thoughts and plans firmly to your chest from the start. Others will be along with more practical help.

mummyto2boysandagirl3 Wed 12-Feb-14 11:24:33

Thank u for ur replies.

Iv never claimed anything I didn't realise that I could get state help while the dc r small until I can go back to work. (Fully intend to go back to work once they r older regardless of relationship)

My ocd is brought on by fear/anxiety of something happening to the dc so it's my way of keeping them safe. I'm waiting for cbt and was doing quite well of late until this mastitis which has set me back quite a bit.

With regards access if we split I feel the dc r too small to b away from me overnight (dd still bf) can I say that he can't have them overnight until they r older? I think his fuse is too short with them and while he doesn't react physically sons of things he says to them especially my oldest r disgusting and I really think he'd do a lot more (mental) damage if he was alone with them. He also can't cope with them so I don't want him having them for too long.

Any advice and hand holding will b greatly appreciated iv been with my dh for over 15 yrs and have only been with him never anyone else so it's a v big thing for me. Iv not been alone for a v long time and was so young when I met him iv never really done the single thing but I know the best thing for the dc is for us to split and I think I will b happier on my own as long as I can keep my dc safe.

Would cab b able to help here? Do I need to speak to housing association? As when iv said in past I want to split he just says his wages pay the mortgage so I can move out as he's going nowhere how do I get him to leave?
I don't have anywhere me and the dc can stay either.

Some ppl mentioned on my other thread about free time with a solicitor how do u get this? Iv not heard of any round here doing that sort of thing

Sorry iv waffled again still feeling a bit rotten

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 12-Feb-14 11:35:21

Breastfed babies are not forced to spend overnight stays with absent parents normally. But most couples wouldn't push for that anyway because it wouldn't be in the best interests of their baby.

However, as your DH appears to be abusive, I would recommend that you contact Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. Not because I think you need refuge but because they can point you in the direction of appropriate agencies, DV-experienced solicitors and other practical help. Your house, for example, belong to you both equally. It doesn't matter than he pays the mortgage, in the event of a divorce it would be regarded as 50% your property as a start point.

You said earlier that he'd isolated you from friends. Do you still have family that could provide you with some emotional support?

BTW Have you ever considered that your DH could be a source of your anxiety and other mental health issues? Do you feel more relaxed if you are apart, for example?

airforsharon Wed 12-Feb-14 11:43:53

I recently had a free half hour consultant with a solicitor regarding separation and it was very helpful.

Many solicitors offer this, just google local legal firms in your area, find the relevant solicitor within the firm and email or phone either them directly or their secretary, whichever details are given.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 12-Feb-14 11:53:55

You might consider phoning the Gingerbread Single Parent Helpline on 0808 802 0925 to get advice on benefits and housing.

mummyto2boysandagirl3 Wed 12-Feb-14 11:55:28

I hadn't thought of it that way but it's kind of a viscous circle he makes me feel stressed/anxious with all his pressure and moaning at me. He also does things that (bear with me I know it sounds stupid but it's my ocd and I'm working on it) he knows will upset me on purpose under the guise that he's helping and I'm being paranoid to think he's trying to upset me examples being replacing the loo roll but putting it the "wrong" way round ( I know it's silly but I genuinely thought til recently having the loo roll a certain way would keep my dc safe) ,not washing his hands before touching food, drying his hands on my bath towel (he doesn't wash his hands properly and I don't mean by my ocd standards he literally just puts soap on his fingertips and rinses them under the water), sings a song that reminds me of a mc and I still find it painful to hear mostly bcos of my ocd i panic and think something bad will happen to my dc when I hear it (I know it's daft but I have some self help books which the gp got me and I'm waiting for cbt so I know I can get over it and iv been doing really well recently)etc etc he will then call me nuts/fruit loop/ tell me I should b in a padded cell when I ask him to stop it.

But I'm in a rut of thinking that I need him at home when things go wrong ... Until this wk that is as I'm fed up of being knocked back consistently for support from the person that should b giving me the most.

My dd is over a yr old me and her r not ready to stop bf could he force me to b parted from her over night?

I only have my mum locally she works 30hrs a wk (tho normally takes time off work when I'm ill to help but has been on holiday this wk) and as much as I love her she's not great for emotional support great for practical will always do stuff for me but she's not great at hand holding she likes to b able to do/fix things she also thinks my dh is a saint.

Can I still phone women's aid even though he's not been violent? I don't want to take up their time as I know there r women out there much worse off than me and they r being beaten. Kind of feel a bit of a fraud as I don't have any physical scars/injuries

dreamingbohemian Wed 12-Feb-14 11:55:42

I saw your other thread. I'm glad you're wanting to get out, he sounds awful.

I don't have a lot of advice but yes, CAB is a good place to start.

You can also see how much you might be able to claim here:
www.entitledto.co.uk/

I know it's scary to think about how he might take care of them on his own, but he may not even want to have them for long stretches or overnight, so try not to worry about that too much right now.

dreamingbohemian Wed 12-Feb-14 11:57:44

x-post

Yes, call Women's Aid. This is emotional abuse (it does sound like he's purposely trying to upset you, trigger attacks) and they will help you.

mummyto2boysandagirl3 Wed 12-Feb-14 11:57:59

Air I shall google now

And donkey thank u for the number I'll try and ring them later. I will c if I can find a pay phone as dh checks my phone bill And it's one of the things he has a go at me about (I phone my mum and the Drs I have no one else to phone no friends)

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 12-Feb-14 11:59:55

Does he get up in the night to see to her or the other DCs OP? When did he last change a nappy? He sounds the sort of man-child who puts his comforts above everyone else's. Plus the type of "Me first" personality who actually takes delight in spoiling events or anniversaries if there's a chance you might gain some pleasure.

dreamingbohemian Wed 12-Feb-14 12:05:37

I think that Women's Aid is not supposed to show up on phone bills, but you should probably double check that on their website.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 12-Feb-14 12:08:41

" sings a song that reminds me of a mc"

As in miscarriage? He deliberately sings a song that takes you back to a traumatic event? That's a very cruel man you're with... Glad you're going to call Womens Aid. I have a feeling that your OCD symptoms will fade almost completely if you are not living with the stress of having this evil person around.

mummyto2boysandagirl3 Wed 12-Feb-14 12:11:40

He did the nappies in the night when the dc were newborn (I bf them all so he changed nappy while I dozed then passed to me for a feed) this was stopped at 2 wks with dd bcos and I quote he was putting his foot down cos I was taking the piss he had work and no he wouldn't b helping at wkends as that's his time to rest from work. When iv asked about me getting a rest I'm just told I chose to have the dc and attachment parent (loosely) them and sah so to suck it up the agreement was for him to just work as I was at home to do everything and he wasn't allowing me to sah if I wasn't going to pull my weight. Before the dc we used to split the housework etc so this has come as a bit of a shock tbh.

He doesn't get up to any of the dc in the night and since sept they've been taking it in turns to b poorly iv not had a full wk stretch of them all being 100% since then therefore no decent sleep since August. Even the other night I was up with ds2 and dd as they're full of cold my temp was 42 with the mastitis and it was agony for me to lift them. He reluctantly took yday and today off but has moaned at me and made it difficult. He's extremely glad that 3 is his last pick up and iv been told I'd best not pull a stunt like this again!

I really don't want him having them as I know he won't care for them properly but he will take them as he knows it will break me

mummyto2boysandagirl3 Wed 12-Feb-14 12:14:55

X posts
That's interesting I'll have a read on their website b good if it doesn't show up.

Yes as in a miscarriage it was almost 6 yrs ago the one that it makes me think of but I still find it upsetting and it makes me twitchy with my ocd I don't c y he can't accept it and sing something else. I just desperately want to relax I feel like a coiled spring sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 12-Feb-14 12:19:19

OP... anyone living in the conditions you describe & under the stress you describe would start to crack mentally. The more you write the more I think the OCD tendencies are symptomatic of living in fear. Some people self-medicate their way through stress with alcohol, drugs, credit cards etc. I think you retreat to 'safe' repetitive/obsessional behaviour patterns as your way of coping with the bullying.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 12-Feb-14 12:21:01

"he will take them as he knows it will break me"

Another reason to call Womens Aid. He can't 'take' anyone from you but I expect you've been threatened on many occasions. WA can tell you how to get it on record that he is abusive and this could influence any future contact orders.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 12-Feb-14 12:22:35

I missed that bit about the triggering song that's awful. Unreasonable behaviour doesn't touch it, that's sick.

AnyFucker Wed 12-Feb-14 13:55:58

this blog has some helpful advice on practical matters re. separationn here

Women's Aid will support with all forms of abuse, not just physical. Have a look at their website.

Breastfed children would not be expected to have overnight stays away from their mother. Where there is emotional abuse of the mother, nor will older children and you may be able (with professional support) to insist any contact he has is in a contact centre which is supervised. Do not agree to "supervise" him yourself.

If you are the main carer for your dc, barring them being a dangerous situation which I doubt massively, then he will not be able to take them away from

But, we are just internet sprites and you have no reason to take our word for it. You need professional help, love, and start accepting the help out there.

AnyFucker Wed 12-Feb-14 13:56:22

from you

hellsbellsmelons Wed 12-Feb-14 14:05:54

I read your other thread and am so glad you are thinking of getting out.
I have no more useful advice but wanted to say - you can do this. You can be strong and you will be so much happier without him.
Call Womens Aid as a start and they can point you to legal advice, CAB, etc.....
I don't think their number or calls show up on the phone bill.
Good luck and I hope you manage to get away quickly.
Keep us posted.

Shineywhiney Wed 12-Feb-14 14:11:43

OP, your thread is so heartbreaking to read. You and the children deserve so much more. My EA husband left me 2 months ago. We have two small children and I am a SAHM. Initially I was terrified how I would cope and pay the bills and begged him to come back. 2 months down the line and I am so relieved he has gone. He is making efforts to wriggle his way back but I don't want him. Life is calm, predictable and happy without him here.

The entitled attitude- he could go out, drinking, make plans or spend money with no consideration for his family. Sounds just like your husband. No help with the kids, treated them awfully when he did spend time with them. All sounds so familiar to your situation.

I have had to claim state help in order to pay the bills. Like you, prior to the children I had a good job earning more than H. Now I am in this position. But he has to support us and your husband will have to support you too. I intend to start work in September as my youngest will start preschool. Your children will not be small for ever- you will be able to find a way to juggle work and the kids. I don't kid myself that the path ahead will be easy, but it is easier than trying to juggle all of that plus an abusive unhelpful partner who sucks the life and joy out of everything.

The big worry for me too is him having contact with the kids where I am not there to shield them from his behaviour. But the solicitor I consulted reassured me that I am the one with the power- if I don't like it I can stop contact and he can take me to court. I wouldn't stop contact on a whim- I have serious concerns about his ability to parent them safely (alcoholic, EA, violent temper). I am sure a solicitor would be able to reassure you too.

Please seek help- knowledge really is power. You will survive and (as I am finding, only a few months in) be so much happier in the long run.

Jess03 Wed 12-Feb-14 14:58:45

I read your other thread, I'm really glad you are taking steps. Sit your mum down too and explain why he's not a saint and that you need her support in rl to separate. Even if she's not emotionally helpful, get her practical help at least. He's ridiculous. My dh works weekends, very long hours in the weekends etc but when he's at home he expects to help, it's just normal.

pointythings Wed 12-Feb-14 15:54:42

I'm really glad you are seriously thinking about getting out - this man is no good for you, nor for your children. He isn't a saint, he is a monster - what you said about the song just made me feel ill.

You can do this alone, he has just conditioned you to believe that you can't. The fact that you held down a better job than his before you had DC proves that you can cope - even if you need state help in the short term.

You've had lots of good advice on this thread and lots of information about support you can access - go out there and do it, you and your DCs deserve it.

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