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WIBU to forgive him?

51 replies

SuperLovefuzz · 12/02/2014 02:24

Have been with my partner just over a year. We have a 2 month old DD. We've had lots of problems but I always made excuses, things will be better when X happens etc, etc.
There was wrong on both sides throughout. He kept losing jobs. I would obsess over small things and create huge dramas by screaming and crying. I was having counselling as my issues stemmed from being raped when I was 13.

We had a huge fight when I was 8 months pregnant. He had just lost the second job and was making no effort to find a new one. Asked him to leave, he refused for 4 days. Eventually I had to call the police to have him removed as could no longer take it. He went back to him hometown 200 miles away and we spoke about a week later. Had a frank discussion and promises were made and kept. He returned, got a new job and has been an amazing father and partner.

Until tonight I couldn't believe we'd even had problems. Yes, we've had the 'I'm more tired than you' argument a fair few times but nothing more than your average couple.

Over the past 2 nights I've been getting up at night with DD (I generally do when he is working as he needs to get up at 6) and she has been extremely unsettled. Up every 30 mins to an hour. She is fine in herself other than this and sleeps plenty during the day. I have been unable to catch up with sleep properly during the day because even though I'm shattered, I'm feeling so stressed and anxious that I can't shut down properly. Partner knows this but doesn't seem to fully understand as he keeps saying 'just sleep when she sleeps'.

(Anxious thoughts for example - thinking a murderer is hiding in the cupboard, waking up in a panic that I have fallen asleep on DD when we don't even co sleep, imagining what would happen if I accidentally put dd in the tumble dryer, scared that I will drop her down the stairs to the point that I almost can't leave the house alone because we live in a first floor flat, thinking that every person on the street wants to attack me or kidnap DD when we do go out.). I've never had thoughts like this before, only since Dd has been born.

So earlier on this afternoon partner announces he is not happy that I seem to be spending all our money. This is certainly not the case. I bought one dress for £25 which is the first item of clothing I have bought in the past year. I tried to explain this but there was just no reasoning with him. He then says he thinks the only fair way is to pay half of essential bills each and keep the rest of spare money. I am outraged at this suggestion considering I have subsidised him during his periods of not working and we have always shared money since the start. I think it is the only workable solution when you have children. Also I am currently on SMP. Although he only earns about 800 per month as he works part time so we do get tax credits. These are paid to me so if we did agree to do this I would be keeping them and would actually be better off. I still find it unfair and unworkable for many reasons though, especially as we have DD.

So I completely blew up about this and we had a massive argument. I was shouting and crying and made the situation 10 times worse than it needed to be. I phoned my mum and asked if she could pick us up (me and Dd) and stay at her house. She said she thought it best to stay at home and not fight and we could stay tomorrow if necessary. So fast forward a few hours, partner takes dd and says I should get some sleep. Slept for 30 mins then was woken by partner asking for a shot of my phone. Couldn't get back to sleep so eventually got up an hour and a half later.

Soon after this, partner went to bed and about an hour later I had settled Dd so went to bed too. We had a cuddle and had made up although the money issue was still outstanding. I had decided to talk about this after I return from my mums house on Thursday, when we had both had thinking time. Couldn't sleep in bed and DD woke an hourish later, so I brought her to living room, fed and changed her and got her back down. Fell asleep on couch. Woke up to dd crying about an hour later (1am) and felt extremely hot and sick. Went to the bathroom and was sick for about 5 minutes. All the while DD still screaming in the living room. Went to bedroom and asked partner to please settle Dd as I was being sick and feeling unwell. He refused saying he is working in the morning. Now I know this, but I am outraged he would leave DD crying just so he isn't tired at work. So I continue being sick, then clean myself up and pick up DD to settle her. While doing this I keep opening the bedroom door so that partner can't sleep either because I am so angry with him. I know this is also out of order and petty and that I shouldn't be feeding this negative environment with DD around. After a few times of this partner gets up shouting and swearing and slaps me hard on the head while I'm holding DD. so I have phoned my mum and asked her to pick me up because I'm now afraid of how far he might go if I'm not holding DD.

I know that I am also in the wrong and that I goaded my partner to an unfair extent. WIBU to try to fix things?

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thegreylady · 12/02/2014 02:43

It is never unreasonable to try to fix things as long as he isn't being abusive. It sounds as if you may have PND and I think you should talk to your GP about your irrational fears. These first months with a newborn are always fraught. You are both tired and getting used to a competely new lifestyle. He is being unreasonable with the money thing though and that needs to be sorted if you are to have a chance of a good life together.