Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
WIBU to forgive him?(52 Posts)
Have been with my partner just over a year. We have a 2 month old DD. We've had lots of problems but I always made excuses, things will be better when X happens etc, etc.
There was wrong on both sides throughout. He kept losing jobs. I would obsess over small things and create huge dramas by screaming and crying. I was having counselling as my issues stemmed from being raped when I was 13.
We had a huge fight when I was 8 months pregnant. He had just lost the second job and was making no effort to find a new one. Asked him to leave, he refused for 4 days. Eventually I had to call the police to have him removed as could no longer take it. He went back to him hometown 200 miles away and we spoke about a week later. Had a frank discussion and promises were made and kept. He returned, got a new job and has been an amazing father and partner.
Until tonight I couldn't believe we'd even had problems. Yes, we've had the 'I'm more tired than you' argument a fair few times but nothing more than your average couple.
Over the past 2 nights I've been getting up at night with DD (I generally do when he is working as he needs to get up at 6) and she has been extremely unsettled. Up every 30 mins to an hour. She is fine in herself other than this and sleeps plenty during the day. I have been unable to catch up with sleep properly during the day because even though I'm shattered, I'm feeling so stressed and anxious that I can't shut down properly. Partner knows this but doesn't seem to fully understand as he keeps saying 'just sleep when she sleeps'.
(Anxious thoughts for example - thinking a murderer is hiding in the cupboard, waking up in a panic that I have fallen asleep on DD when we don't even co sleep, imagining what would happen if I accidentally put dd in the tumble dryer, scared that I will drop her down the stairs to the point that I almost can't leave the house alone because we live in a first floor flat, thinking that every person on the street wants to attack me or kidnap DD when we do go out.). I've never had thoughts like this before, only since Dd has been born.
So earlier on this afternoon partner announces he is not happy that I seem to be spending all our money. This is certainly not the case. I bought one dress for £25 which is the first item of clothing I have bought in the past year. I tried to explain this but there was just no reasoning with him. He then says he thinks the only fair way is to pay half of essential bills each and keep the rest of spare money. I am outraged at this suggestion considering I have subsidised him during his periods of not working and we have always shared money since the start. I think it is the only workable solution when you have children. Also I am currently on SMP. Although he only earns about 800 per month as he works part time so we do get tax credits. These are paid to me so if we did agree to do this I would be keeping them and would actually be better off. I still find it unfair and unworkable for many reasons though, especially as we have DD.
So I completely blew up about this and we had a massive argument. I was shouting and crying and made the situation 10 times worse than it needed to be. I phoned my mum and asked if she could pick us up (me and Dd) and stay at her house. She said she thought it best to stay at home and not fight and we could stay tomorrow if necessary. So fast forward a few hours, partner takes dd and says I should get some sleep. Slept for 30 mins then was woken by partner asking for a shot of my phone. Couldn't get back to sleep so eventually got up an hour and a half later.
Soon after this, partner went to bed and about an hour later I had settled Dd so went to bed too. We had a cuddle and had made up although the money issue was still outstanding. I had decided to talk about this after I return from my mums house on Thursday, when we had both had thinking time. Couldn't sleep in bed and DD woke an hourish later, so I brought her to living room, fed and changed her and got her back down. Fell asleep on couch. Woke up to dd crying about an hour later (1am) and felt extremely hot and sick. Went to the bathroom and was sick for about 5 minutes. All the while DD still screaming in the living room. Went to bedroom and asked partner to please settle Dd as I was being sick and feeling unwell. He refused saying he is working in the morning. Now I know this, but I am outraged he would leave DD crying just so he isn't tired at work. So I continue being sick, then clean myself up and pick up DD to settle her. While doing this I keep opening the bedroom door so that partner can't sleep either because I am so angry with him. I know this is also out of order and petty and that I shouldn't be feeding this negative environment with DD around. After a few times of this partner gets up shouting and swearing and slaps me hard on the head while I'm holding DD. so I have phoned my mum and asked her to pick me up because I'm now afraid of how far he might go if I'm not holding DD.
I know that I am also in the wrong and that I goaded my partner to an unfair extent. WIBU to try to fix things?
It is never unreasonable to try to fix things as long as he isn't being abusive. It sounds as if you may have PND and I think you should talk to your GP about your irrational fears. These first months with a newborn are always fraught. You are both tired and getting used to a competely new lifestyle. He is being unreasonable with the money thing though and that needs to be sorted if you are to have a chance of a good life together.
Grey lady, are you serious? He slapped her!
Super - you asked if you would be unreasonable to forgive him. Only you can answer that but in your shoes, in those circumstances and if you have put everything relevant in your OP, I would leave him or boot him out - end of! He has learned nothing whatsoever from your previous separation and having a child in the equation, no way would I be HIT and then consider staying. You say you were vomiting and he was ignoring you (my DH would be holding up my hair even in extreme tiredness) your DC was crying (my DH would be tending to her, she is his child after all) Lovely as he is though, if he slapped me, it would be the last day he saw me. The money thing just confirms that he is total and utter prick. Sorry you are going through this.
He slapped you while you were holding your tiny baby. Unforgivable. Call Women's Aid in the morning?
Dinnaeknow - I did miss out one relevant point, I did mean to put it in but was upset writing. (Don't think I have missed anything else) Twice during arguments in the past (before DD was born) I have lost my temper and hit him. Not very hard but still I did it so I am as bad as he was tonight. I really struggled with depression when I was pregnant and in the past before that. I know that is no excuse but it did contribute to me losing control. I was seeking counselling mainly due to how I had lost control. I have had to stop going because I can't afford it any more.
I really do love him. I feel that he is a good person and truly loves me and DD, but this behaviour really says otherwise.
I can't imagine being alone and bringing up DD. I am scared I would have to split custody and be away from her half the time. I would be sad for my partner if he didn't get to be with DD all the time.
I feel like I just make every situation worse by not being able to stay calm in the moment.
Yes he was bang out of order for refusing to get up but I only made things worse for everyone by trying to keep him awake. I think the reason he is so precious about getting sleep when he is working is because he is terrified that he will lose this job and things will end between us.
Op, you didn't goad him. He lay in bed ignoring his screaming baby while you were in the bathroom vomiting!? Then came out and slapped you!?
What a prick. You need to ltb.
Op I do think you need to see a doctor so that they can advise if this is 'just' catastrophIzing or if you do have post natal depression.
The fact that he slapped you is /should be a deal breaker. Domestic violence often starts after a child is born. Please speak to your mum and do not let this go.
I am so torn. I know the way he treated me tonight has been disgusting. I know if someone else told me this I would be saying LTB in a heartbeat. I do also know that I wind him up on purpose because I want a reaction, because I'm so insecure that I just want attention, even if it's negative. I think because of both our issues the relationship is unhealthy.
I also know that we do love each other and we could be so happy if only we could stop acting like children half the time.
I think splitting up would be best for DD long term. But because I love him and I want it to work, I can't bring myself to do it. And if I do find the strength to do it, I know I'll take him back like I did last time. So what is the point in putting myself through the stress.
I know that is so pathetic
I have read about catastrophizing a bit now. It really rings true with me. I'm not doing it on purpose, the thoughts just pop into my head. Even though i know they are ludicrous thoughts I just can't shake them.
There is a lot of stuff that can happen to your mind after you have a baby. Go and see your doctor and talk to him/her about it all. Including the violence if you can.
You can't be in a relationship with this man at the moment. You have hit him, he has hit you. In front of your baby. While holding your baby. Do you think you can call Women's Aid and talk to them?
Yes ywbu. You mention problems all the way through your relationship that are clearly not resolved. He's mean and petty about money despite you subsidising him many times. He refuses to take care of his child and leaves her crying to punish you. He assaults you while you are holding her, while she is distressed and you are ill. Honestly, this relationship has to end for your own safety and your daughter's. Please call women's aid, he is abusing you.
Thanks for your replies. I know to make up isn't the best thing and I suppose I posted here because I knew I would get that response. Things are even worse now. I tried to go through to bed at 6.20 like I usually do when I've been in the living room. I like to breastfeed lying down then put DD to sleep on a v-shaped pillow beside me to catch up on sleep. He refused to move over so I just put my pillow on the side of the bed. He pushed this off knocking down a glass of juice and the lamp. So I lay down (holding DD) and he tried to push me off the bed while I held her. I wasn't able to get up because he was pushing me I shouted that I was holding Dd but he didn't stop. I had no free hands to push him away so I bit him. He then punched me in the head and stopped pushing. He refused to get up for work. He is at risk of losing the job because he's still in trial period. He finally got up now at 6.50 and is still in the bathroom. He was laughing in my face when I said 'just get a grip and get to work, I've had no sleep at all and you crossed a line last night.' He doesn't give a fuck. I need to end this. I'm going to my mum's house this morning and will stay overnight. Thanks for listening. I know I'm wrong too but the support helps.
And please don't let lack of money stop you from getting the counselling help you need. If you go to the GP there are free NHS services that you can be referred to.
It's also worth checking whether your employer has anything to offer- if you are employed by a large company or local government then they may have their own service (and it's confidential so they won't tell your boss unless you give permission).
Leave him. This is not going to get better. A man who slaps a woman, even more so a woman holding ababy is scum.
The GP will only refer me to 'beating the blues' which is computer based CBT. I have tried to tell the GP I need counselling. Doing this also wasn't practical when I was heavily pregnant and in pain and having to walk a mile to the medical centre. I will take it up now in the hope that I can get referred elsewhere after. I have my own counsellor who I know and trust and although it is expensive (40 per hour) I will find the money. I don't want to be messed up and put that onto my baby. She is perfect and pure and I'm sad she is a part of this situation.
Call the police, after your last post there is no way back. You and your dd are not safe. If you have the option of staying with your mum then pack your things and go there. I really think you need to talk to your Gp or HV as it really sounds like you may have pnd.
Please stick to your plan to go to your mum's and take all important documents with you too. And tell her exactly what's been going on.
Please leave him. He wasn't great before and now you've had DD his real colours are shining through. Sleep deprivation can cause misery and arguments, I know that DH and I have really suffered due to it, however, he's never punched me in the head. This isn't acceptable. DD could get hurt. You could get seriously hurt and she needs you.
I'm too embarrassed to call the police again because I insisted that he leave last time and the police helped even though there was no violence at that point. I've now taken him back and I can't just keep wasting police resources. My mum is on her way to get me now. I'm hoping my mum is able to keep me seeing sense. Even now I'm already thinking of how I could just forgive him. I don't want to be alone. I just want to be together and happy. I'm so sad and feel alone. I don't have many friends either so I feel like I'm the problem. I can see how it all looks written down but I still feel like I caused the situation and just pushed him to breaking point.
Yabu and selfish to your dd by taking him back, he is abusing you and you're even considering this?
You're right coffeetea. It's hard to think objectively at the moment. I keep thinking the best situation for DD would be for the family to stay together. I'm crying every day at the moment (not becuase of him, just because I'm struggling). I'm worried that I can't do it alone.
You barely knew each other when you got pregnant and he is now showing his true colours. Get out, stay out, and protect your daughter from him too. He is a violent abusive man and he will never change.
Please don't be embarrassed going back to the police. It is not uncommon at all for women to return to their partners. The fact is that is he abusive and he has assaulted you. You need to contact them
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.