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"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

(1000 Posts)
DontstepontheMomeRaths Tue 11-Feb-14 17:30:01

Thread opener here:
You may need to right-click and 'unblock' it after downloading it.

It's February 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

BlackcurrantCat Sat 24-May-14 23:28:29

Oops I'm on the wrong thread, will transfer

BlackcurrantCat Sat 24-May-14 23:27:44

Checking in. Just namechanged to make my debut here! I have been on MN for years and knew Stately Homes was for me as soon as it appeared, but have just lurked and not felt up to it.

I will join in gradually!

DontstepontheMomeRaths Mon 28-Apr-14 09:40:53

Hi ShyGirlie hope you're ok. We're on a new thread now, come and join us:

ShyGirlie Sun 27-Apr-14 22:43:42

just a very short post, i'm still here.

DontstepontheMomeRaths Sat 26-Apr-14 18:59:11

It's ok Meerka, you were making sure everyone knew smile

Better than it hitting 1001 and no link being there.

Meerka Sat 26-Apr-14 17:52:11

oh sorry mome

Hissy Sat 26-Apr-14 17:51:27

Sadly pumpkin until you can remove all ways that woman can smash down your boundaries, she will keep doing so.

DontstepontheMomeRaths Sat 26-Apr-14 17:37:37

It's fine to fill this one up first. I was going to post link later.

Meerka Sat 26-Apr-14 17:30:25

mome has set up a new thread here

pumpkinsweetie Sat 26-Apr-14 16:49:19

With the card the other day, mil has now also started ringing our landline angry!!
Then today a text to dhs old phone which is now mine, reminding him he must remember sils bday and aunt x. For christ sake what is with this woman, it's none of her business whether he remembers or not

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 26-Apr-14 11:11:54


Glad you have reached some sort of agreement re your brother. He may well feel "awkward" but by heck they've certainly done their bit over the years to make you as their daughter not just to say your other sibling feel much worse.

Oh and BTW I do not think you are and would become anything like the toxic person your mother is (we are all afraid of becoming on some levels like our mothers) mainly because you have two qualities that she lacks; empathy and insight.

MillyMollyMandy78 Sat 26-Apr-14 11:02:59

Thanks Meera, hope so.

Meerka Sat 26-Apr-14 07:20:59

shygirlie am very glad too that you posted. If you can, take it day by day and ring women's aid if you can? I really hope you are able to.

milly it sounds as if you've reached a really good situation with your brother which you can both live with and respect each other's position even if you disagree. So pleased to hear it.

MillyMollyMandy78 Fri 25-Apr-14 22:55:25

Hi Shygirlie, so sorry to hear about your awful situation. Please don't give up hope - you are not trapped, it just feels that way because you are still living with someone who seems intent on making you miserable. Talking from experience, it will seem much less hopeless when you get a place of your own and are able to put some space between you and your mum.

I second Attilla's suggestion of speaking to Womans Aid, but would also perhaps try to speak to your local citizen's advice too.

Update for everyone else: spoke to my brother tonight and it all went ok really. We had a lot of other stuff to talk about, the I mentioned the conversation at the wedding and how he was obviously still upset about things between me and my parents. I said i was sorry that it was affecting him and that he still felt awkward. He said that he did find it awkward, which i sympathised with. Db mentioned that parents seemed to have had a good time at the wedding and that they enjoyed spending some time chatting to us at the wedding, which i confirmed was perfectly nice, chatting, making small talk etc. DB said that these things just take time sometimes and i comfirmed that this sometimes be the case, but i did not want to go back to the way things used to be. He said that even if we met briefly when i came to visit, for a couple of hours, it would only be a few hours a year, so not that bad. I said that i did not intend to meet up etc in the foreseesble future, and didn't want to chat on the phone etc, as I have been unhappy with things for many years. I did say i was perfectly happy to send cards, make small talk at the odd family event etc. He seemed ok with this but said it's dad he feels sorry for, i empathised and said that we have differing opinions re dad. So it was a bit vague and wishy-washy but at least we addressed things and their seemed to be some empathy on both sides, which is positive, even if DB seems to be hopeful of things improving in time. I said that i can understand that this is all very awkward but i didn't want it to create tension between us, which he seemed to agree with. So i think actually things are ok really.

Also, our first nephew was delivered lat night by emegency c section. He is premature, so will be in incubator for next couple weeks, but mum and baby doing well. Looking forward to meeting him and having lots of cuddles. Went to Tescos aftere work to buy some baby bits and a conratulations card, when excitement faded and was suddenly fighting back the tears. Don't have kids, and not planned for future. Complicated but morstly due to DH not wanting them, which I accept, and me spending most of my life being too scared to have kids incase i turned out like mum, and ended up making their lives a misery. Most of the time i am fine with things, but i suddenly felt very sad for what i will never have. So i bought myself a big bunch of flowers and some chocolate to help the moment pass. We're hoping to see him tomorrow, but not sure due to hospital visiting rules being a bit awkward

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 25-Apr-14 20:57:43


Am very glad to see that you have posted again, I was very concerned for you.

I would suggest you contact Shelter and Womens Aid because both of these may be able to help you with regards to your housing situation and escaping your mother respectively. Have you also spoken to the local council's housing department?.

ShyGirlie Fri 25-Apr-14 20:14:11

thanks for kindness guys. have managed to see it through today even though things have been extremely difficult. i'm in my mid 20s, very complicated various reasons as to why i am still living with her. have been in contact with bank etc today to see what my options are rgarding getting my own place to live. she is doing everything in her willpower to totally ruin my life. Has done so for 20 years now, but i've reached breaking point now.

pumpkinsweetie Fri 25-Apr-14 19:38:15

shygirlsad Your life is worth much more, please don't let this woman get to you. She is not worth it, get out for a walk, clear your head or visit friends.
Or phone samaritans if you really feel those don't help.

Hissy Fri 25-Apr-14 16:59:51

shy you are not trapped love. you just think you are.

If you need a RL voice, please call the samaritans. they will listen and may be able to advise. How old are you?

Meerka Fri 25-Apr-14 12:41:01

shygirlie ... flowers. I hope very much that you can hang on and get through the next hours and days. No matter how dark it seems. And you -can- always post here, there are always people here who will listen and sometimes come up with wise insights and advice.

ShyGirlie Fri 25-Apr-14 10:44:38

theres just too much, i honestly dont know where to begin. can anyone advise me of any support i can avail of - im very much in a trapped situation with no way out. i need practical support. i am stuck in a situation where i live with my abusive mother and take the full brunt off her. i have no means of getting away from it, other than to end my life.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 25-Apr-14 09:45:11

No need to say sorry.

Can you write more about your situation?. What has happened?.

ShyGirlie Fri 25-Apr-14 09:42:22

i have nwver posted on this thread, but here i am today in fhe abaolute depths if despair. i cant go on taking this abuse (mental and verbal) any longer and i have no safe place to go to. i cant even begin to describe my situation - its pretty extreme and spans 20 years. just needed to say something to someone, even if not to a "real" person. sorry.

GoodtoBetter Fri 25-Apr-14 08:42:25

That sounds really difficult Meerka. I had HG wih both my pregnancies so I sympathise. Luckily DS was out like a shot unexpectedly at 36 weeks and DD came at 39 weeks. What will happen after 42 weeks? Will they ultimately do a c section if baby is insistent it's not coming? Do you know if it's a boy or girl? Is it your first?

Hugs xxx

DontstepontheMomeRaths Thu 24-Apr-14 22:24:10

I'm so sorry to hear the horrible nightmares are continuing. Things sound so tough for you with the health system there for overdue pregnancies. I think staying in was the right move. Glad your H can field the phone call.

Meerka Thu 24-Apr-14 21:24:00

millymolly it sounds like you've reached a good balance for you, I hope it can give you some peace of mind, it sounds like it has?

they're keeping me in as it's been a heavy pregnancy and they tried twice to induce at 38 weeks (39+2 now) and failed both times, and I'm afraid I kind of melted down when they discharged me and said that we might have to wait til 42 weeks .. .Im still very nauseous from HG each day + right now I am getting horribly vivid nightmares from the bad teenage years with my father + stepmother and consequent difficulty at school ... v little sleep. So while normally I can handle the v low contact and his indifference quite well plus trouble with a half sister, atm it's all whirling round in my head at night and .. and ... and ... ye. meltdown. So now they want to keep me in til the baby is born but they don't really do elective caesarians in the NL, so it's wait, wait, wait.

I actually can't reply to my father by email because the hospital wi-fi is not secure so for some reason that I don't quite understand my husband set email so I can receive but not send on the laptop, though I can get onto Mumsnet ok. Tbh I doubt I could be rational or reasonable with my father atm anyway. I will have to rely on my husband to field any calls. My father sounds so nice and reasonable when you speak to him, even charming. Its not until you know him for a while you realise there is something missing and really quite nasty.

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