Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I really that bad?

(91 Posts)
dAdDy40 Tue 11-Feb-14 15:21:04

I am married with 2 great kids, My wife and I have been together for 10 years and I love her to bits.
We are mostly a happy couple but every now and then we argue and things get unbearable.

Our arguments almost always revolve around her insistence that I don't do enough to help around the house.

At this point you will probably think I sit around expecting her to wait on me which cannot be further from the truth.

I'm not claiming to be superdad or that my wife is lazy (both these things could not be further from the truth) but I have reached a point where I have no more spare time in the day to do any more and she still expects more from me.

I should probably point out that we both work full time and she is the major bread winner (she's not happy about my earnings but that's another matter)

Our sex life has dropped to once a year (It was three times that before the kids) as, according to her, if I helped out more I might make her feel more loved.

The only two chores I take no part in are ones which she insists on doing herself (I might not do them correctly).

I have no sex life and no social life either as I don't have the time to leave the house.

I know I should talk to her about this but unless I'm apologising and promising to do more it will just become another argument.

It has reached a point where I am terrified she will leave me.

any advice would be welcome I have no idea what to do besides sob.

CailinDana Tue 11-Feb-14 15:22:59

How many times in the last year have you looked after both children entirely on your own?

dAdDy40 Tue 11-Feb-14 15:26:31

Quite often CailinDana, probably about the same as she does.

SunnyL Tue 11-Feb-14 15:28:55

You say you love her. Do you think she loves you?

Personally I'd be very unhappy in that situation as well. Have you thought about therapy?

Freyalright Tue 11-Feb-14 15:37:19

She sounds a bit emotionally abusive, from the info you have given us.

No pleasing her, withholding affection, you feeling scared to express yourself because of arguments.

Twinklestein Tue 11-Feb-14 15:38:24

I think the cause of the problem here is that you regard household chores as 'help around the house'. You're adult, you both work, so chores should be divided up between you. The word 'help' implies you're assisting her rather than acting as an equal partner.

Sit down together, divide up all the chores, and then take on the position of manager of your chore allocation rather assistant to hers.

CailinDana Tue 11-Feb-14 15:39:36

And when you are with the children do you look after all their needs as well as do jobs around the house?

Also, how much of the organising do you do - as in, making children's appointments and taking them there, making packed lunches, washing kit, organising costumes etc for school?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 11-Feb-14 15:41:07

Why are you terrified that she will leave you?

You seem to be taken for granted in a very extreme way. The definition of 'enough' work in the house appears to be known only to her. That's unfair. That there is no affection in your relationship is desperately sad. That you have no social life (no friends?) is isolating and miserable. If being terrified that she will leave or avoiding arguments means you tolerate more and more crap and grovel all the time, then all you'll earn is her contempt. You sound very much as though you are being emotionally bullied.

I'd strong recommend you reject this behaviour, challenge her even if it causes arguments, and try to restore your self-respect and smashed confidence If nothing changes then face your fears and contemplate parting ways. Life is not a rehearsal.

Dahlen Tue 11-Feb-14 15:43:46

Try reading this book OP. Whether you are a man being emotionally abused by your wife, or a man who does nowhere near as much in reality as in perception, I think this book will help provide some insight.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 11-Feb-14 15:44:41

"she's not happy about my earnings but that's another matter"

How does this manifest itself? Belittling remarks, sarcasm and contempt? Or does she encourage you to be more ambitious in a constructive & helpful way?

dAdDy40 Tue 11-Feb-14 15:45:04

I'm pretty sure she loves me SunnyL. although I often have doubts.

I have tried In the past to make more of an effort to impress her physically. I took up running, joined a gym, started dressing smarter. I lost a load of weight but she barely noticed.

I have now put all the weight back on as I just don't see the point.

Dahlen Tue 11-Feb-14 15:48:52

Why would you want to stay fit and healthy only to impress your wife? Why wouldn't you want that for yourself?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 11-Feb-14 15:50:52

He's trying to impress her because he's constantly rejected. The gym, the housework, all the other stuff is in an effort to get a little affection. He's doing the 'pick me' dance solo and it's desperate

cupcake78 Tue 11-Feb-14 15:51:57

I think you need to talk to her about it. We can speculate continuously but it sounds like you have both lost your relationship to the daily grind.

Relationships need nurturing, they require time. When do you last go out as a couple and actually take an interest in each other. You both seem to feel ignored, overtired and worn down.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 11-Feb-14 15:52:32

OP... what does your DW do that makes you think she loves you? I'm not seeing love here...

dAdDy40 Tue 11-Feb-14 15:55:28

Twinklestein, maybe I should have used some quotes there. they are her words. I don't see it as "helping out" I see it as doing what's needed to keep the house and family together.

Lweji Tue 11-Feb-14 15:56:30

Does she get free time and a social life?

Do you all have family relaxation time?

How old are the children?

maras2 Tue 11-Feb-14 16:00:03

Why did you have sex only 3 times a year before the children were born ?

cupcake78 Tue 11-Feb-14 16:01:16

Does she have to ask you to do these jobs or do you just do them?

dAdDy40 Tue 11-Feb-14 16:01:56

Lweji, 1. she goes out with friends a couple of times a month. 2. Family relaxation time? 3. 8 & 4

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 11-Feb-14 16:03:22

OP... I think you've had this woman on a pedestal from the off. Do you suffer with low self esteem? Are you one of those that felt lucky or grateful simply because she picked you?

cupcake78 Tue 11-Feb-14 16:04:33

Just an observation but you taking care of yourself physically is unlikely to have a great affect. Women get turned on in their brains and hearts firstly.

Do you flirt with her and pay her compliments without the underlying hope it will lead to sex?

ThinkFirst Tue 11-Feb-14 16:06:53

You do chores, look after the kids, work full time, she gives you no affection, withholds sex, moans that you don't do enough. She has a social life while you don't. If this were the woman posting about her DH I would bet there would be lots of cries to LTB.

dAdDy40 Tue 11-Feb-14 16:08:35

maras2, Once we got married her libido gradually dropped. I've tried talking to her about it but she just says "that's all you're after" so I just keep quiet. I'd rather have no sex than lose her completely.

Lweji Tue 11-Feb-14 16:12:58

Yes, do you have enjoyable activities as a family, or it's just chores and work at home?

So, she does get free time, but you don't?

If basically neither of you get free time, then you need to optimize your home tasks or get a cleaner.
If it's mainly taking care of the children, then you should be able to get some free time too.

I don't know about the lack of sex. It depends. I didn't feel like having sex with exH towards the end because he was a twat.
Do you treat your wife with respect? Do you treat her with love? Are you caring? Do you listen to her? Do you show interest about her life and work?
(On the other hand, think if she does the same for you and if you do and she doesn't, then I'd say leave the bitch)

And I agree that for women it's not about how thin or fit you are. It's how they are treated.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now