Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How do you stay strong?

(7 Posts)
LucyInTheSky78 Tue 11-Feb-14 14:20:27

I'm wondering if there's anyone here who's experienced this and how they coped.

Long story short, my husband finally admitted to cheating on me when we were engaged, with a prostitute. He has a serious porn problem (which he did his best to hide) and it was through this that eventually led us to him admitting that he'd used prostitutes for years (including before we were together) and had cheated on many ex girlfriends with prostitutes.
Anyway, he basically lied to me for years. Always promised to stop the porn use, cried a lot but kept on lying and hiding it even though I offered support.

When he finally told me about cheating on me with a prostitute (while we were engaged and apart because we were applying for a fiancé visa), last November, I threw him out.

We have one 9 month old together and I have a 5 yo from a previous relationship - she considers him her dad (although before all this I had started to explain to her about having a different dad - he has nothing to do with her).

My husband is currently trying to stay in the UK by applying for a Parent Visa since the Marriage visa has been cancelled.

The last 3 months have been horrendous. After being nice for a couple of weeks, he basically started strolling around like he's done nothing wrong. Contact at a play centre every couple of weeks was torturous and we barely exchanged any words.
He didn't ask me any questions about the kids' well being and began spending 90% of his contact time with his biological child and not step-daughter (who is still always pleased to see him).

He came round to see me one night back in December because he wanted more access with the children but because he'd made noises to a friend of mine about taking the 9mo back to his home country, I told him until the Border Agency decide if he stays or goes, all contact is supervised and I can only manage every second weekend. And that if he gets to stay, access will increase and unsupervised. He got very angry, said a lot of hurtful things (saying I was using his fling with a prostitute as an excuse to get rid of him!!) and then I asked him to leave.

However, 2 weeks ago it was our wedding anniversary, which was really emotionally tough. He emailed me that day, being nice, asking how the kids were doing, which he'd never done before.
Because I was feeling sentimental I engaged in friendly email chat and when we had our last contact, we actually spoke to eachother like friends.

It felt like a big relief to not be so filled with hatred for once.
He apologised for not trying more to talk with me about the kids but because I seemed so angry all the time, he didn't want to talk.

Anyway, and this is what I need advice about - he is getting more and more chatty, has started wearing his wedding ring again and got in touch with an old friend who initially introduced us.
This friend has told him that he needs to get help immediately for his sex/porn addiction and encouraged him to try and fix his marriage. My husband told this friend that he has an appointment to see a psychiatrist but he's not mentioned it to me.

I feel like I've been getting sucked in to all this. Caught myself thinking that we could have a future together and that all this horrible mess will go away. That I can get my life back. I feel really really weak all of a sudden.

How do you stay strong?

Because he's lied so so much in the past, I have no clue if he genuinely still loves me and is prepared to work hard to fix things. But I know he's no good for me (and I have only just recognised that I do still love him) and that it's absolutely imperative that I don't crumble now.

I feel like I've been so sure of myself since chucking him out and that now I'm full of doubt.

Has anyone been in this position of someone who hurt you badly trying to win you back? How do you keep your sanity? What was the outcome?

I'm also wondering if this is just all another face he's put on because he's currently trying to stay in the country and that it'll all change again if he stays.

I'm just so confused and lost and tired.

ThinkFirst Tue 11-Feb-14 14:29:01

I'd be extremely suspicious that he's only changed his gameplan to stay in the country. His cheating, use of prostitutes and porn were not one-offs, they went on for years, the chances that he's changed are extrememly slim to non-existant.

Does your 9 month old have a passport? If so make sure you keep it somewhere he can't get hold of it as he's already threatened to take them out of the country.

Remind yourself that this man could take your child away from you, stay strong.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 11-Feb-14 14:36:18

I agree with the PP. Call me cynical but this sounds far too pat and I suspect he's just after the visa. It may feel temporarily pleasant to be able to have nice chats again but imagine how you'd feel if you let him back into your life only to find you'd been taken for a fool. I would go back to strict no contact except where it is necessary.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 11-Feb-14 14:36:51

Re-read your post from the start.
Do you really want to be with this man!?
He has used loads of prostitutes. Addicted to porn.
This just shows you what a misogynistic, woman hater he is!
Keep strong.
This man sounds awful.

MissScatterbrain Tue 11-Feb-14 17:02:00

This is why NC is recommended - all contact to be only about child access, nothing else.

That way you become stronger and he can't mess with your head and is not able to manipulate you.

I agree he is reeling you back in so that he can get his visa...

Logg1e Tue 11-Feb-14 17:50:04

Why the fuck would you want to be with this man?

Why do you think this would all disappear if you got back with him??

You sound tired, confused and worn down. This isn't the description of a woman who has been won back by the quiet, continuous work of a man who has earned her respect and admiration over time.

LucyInTheSky78 Tue 11-Feb-14 19:52:16

Thank you all so much for giving me your opinions.

Thankfully, I finally got my 9mo's passport application sent off yesterday, so hopefully that will be sorted soon.

And yes, you're right because the couple of days before I chucked him out (when things were coming to a head because of porn but before I knew about the prostitutes), all he could say was that he had a porn problem and was finally going to get help because he wanted it out of his life. Kept on and on about being addicted.

Then when he got in touch with our mutual friend, he told him that he didn't think he had a problem at all. And so has done fuck all to fix anything over these last 3 months. Instead, bombarding me with pleasant communication just as he's sending off his visa application.

I think what's knocked me for six is that I didn't imagine that out of the blue I would start having a wobble 3 months down the line and begin pining for when our lives were happy (although I realise it was a big lie).

Maybe the wedding anniversary coinciding with his deadline to apply for a new visa coinciding with him putting on the charm just tripped me right up.

I know in my heart he'll never change. That if I let him back in, he'll be the best husband in the world until the dust settles and then carry on. Meanwhile I'm left still imagining everything he got up to and what he continues to get up to.

I just miss my old life before all this came up. And really bizarrely, I felt FLATTERED that he told our mutual friend that he wanted me back. I felt loved and wanted. How completely fucked up is that? Maybe my confidence has taken a bigger hit than I thought.

But it's all shit anyway. I know this. Yet my mind seems to be playing tricks on me. Guess I just need to keep my head down, and reread all your great advice when I'm feeling weak.
My best friend in RL is convinced he'll change back to a arrogant prick if he gets to stay in UK.

All I can do now is wait a bit longer for the Border Agency's decision. Don't even know how long it will take them hmm

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: