Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Friend blowing hot and cold

(15 Posts)
LyndaCartersBigPants Tue 11-Feb-14 13:09:44

Close friend has been a bit 'off' recently. We are always in a rush on the way to school etc, but sometimes she will clearly see me or another friend and say nothing to us, no hello, nothing. It leaves us wondering what we've done to offend her.

Is it best to just breeze through it and assume she's just too harassed to bother with the pleasantries, or should one of us ask her what the problem is?

CoteDAzur Tue 11-Feb-14 13:13:02

I'd say "Let's go & have a coffee" and ask if something's bothering her while having a chat.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Tue 11-Feb-14 13:14:34

How close a friend? Do you socialise with her?

If so, I'd probably wait until next having coffee together or something and then say I've noticed you sometimes seem a bit distracted in the mornings, is everything ok?

Then you can judge from her response whether to say something along the lines of you had wondered if you had inadvertently upset her or something.

Although, it would be weird if you had upset someone on a monday but they spoke to you on the tuesday and ignored you wed-thursday then spoke to you on friday...

if she was pissed off with you, surely she'd be consistent?

She's probably either rushed or not really a morning person.

LyndaCartersBigPants Tue 11-Feb-14 13:22:56

That's the weird thing, I went out to lunch with her and another friend yesterday (at her invitation) but then this morning I saw her on the way out of school, caught up with her and walked alongside her and another friend who were chatting and for about 2 minutes she didn't say a single word to me, not even a glance or a smile, while I was right next to her.

I felt so awkward I went a different way home as I didn't really want to be ignored all the way home!

When I got home my other friend texted to say "this is getting silly, xx totally blanked me again, don't know what I've done to offend her" so it's not just me.

Laura0806 Tue 11-Feb-14 13:35:39

Maybe she just can't multi task, ie if shes talking to someone doesn't know how to manage the 'breaking off and saying hello to you' or getting you involved too. Sometimes I find it hard when a number of people say hello to me at once and inevitably someone probably feels like I ignored them but I try not to. I suspect shes not fallen out with you if she asked you out to lunch yesterday.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Tue 11-Feb-14 13:35:53

So tell her.

If you can't ask a friend why they are behaving in a certain way, you don't have much of a friendship.

Maybe she is moody. Perhaps there is something going on at home that is preoccupying her. Could be anything.

StarWarsStanley Tue 11-Feb-14 13:37:45

Just be aware that she may be having issues in her personal life that she feels unable to divulge - none of us really knows what goes on in other people's lives, do we?

LyndaCartersBigPants Tue 11-Feb-14 14:06:11

Yes, the first few times I did put it down to a row with her DH or something. But the trouble is, there's always some drama or another, we all have our issues and she can be very supportive, perhaps I should just let it go and put it down to stress or poor eyesight!

I think my other friend is more bothered by it than I am - they have been friends with each other for longer than I've known them. I worry I'm a bit of a Wendy now, coming in and befriending them both then taking sides! I'll just stay out of it, be a good friend to both of them and see what happens.

Jan45 Tue 11-Feb-14 14:16:29

Not being funny, but she could have poor eyesight and not had time to put her contacts or lenses in, that doesn't explain her not speaking whilst by your side though. I've walked past loads of folk cos I'm blind as a bat!

StandingInLine Tue 11-Feb-14 14:25:42

If your conscious is clear (which I assume it is) then it's something that's going on in her life. Depression maybe ? I get bouts of depression regularly ,and used to avoid friends ,cancel meet ups ,sometimes pretend I hadnt seen etc...just because I didn't have the energy to put on a happy face. I've got better now though and do make an effort. All I can suggest is just hang in there ,as longs she isn't treating you like crap.

LyndaCartersBigPants Tue 11-Feb-14 14:51:29

Jan, I'm beginning to wonder actually. She does wear glasses/contacts so it could be as simple as that!

My conscience is clear, but I'm aware that there may be things that could niggle, our other friend and I have a shared hobby, so we do that together without her, but then 'blanking friend' and I often meet up in the daytime when other friend is at work, so if anyone should be narked it's our full time working friend! Plus they are next door neighbours and often do things without me. (Sorry, think I should have given them names to make this easier!)

So iyswim, I know I haven't actively done anything wrong, but there's this niggle that something has been taken the wrong way and I don't know whether I should mention it and make her feel bad for ignoring us if she hasn't done it on purpose or just keep quiet and accept that some days she won't say hello to either of us!

LyndaCartersBigPants Tue 11-Feb-14 14:52:58

Think you're right standing, she isn't being actively mean, I'm always there if she has a problem with her H, so I'll just make sure she knows she can talk to me about whatever is troubling her.

pinkflower1 Tue 11-Feb-14 17:27:29

I genuinely don't see people in the mornings!
I rush around so much to get 3 children to school and then rush straight up there, sorting lunch money, dd is often taking hair clips out on the way etc etc, all adds up to a stressful morning and I know I walk straight past people as they text me to see if they've offended me!!
I'm not an easily offended person so I'm often bewildered by such messages.
If people walk straight past me I never think they are ignoring me, maybe I'm naive!

Joysmum Tue 11-Feb-14 18:09:26

What great answers you've received already. I wouldn't have thought of Jan's glasses explanation and I love ISeeYou's phrase, 'I notice you've been a but distracted in the mornings'.

DCRbye Tue 11-Feb-14 20:20:35

I would honestly just ask her. It might be nothing to do with you. If she can't answer a direct question she's not worth bothering with.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: