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what can i do about dd and ds

(4 Posts)
wontletmesignin Mon 10-Feb-14 16:49:58

My 10yo dd is forever bullying my 9yo ds.
Her moods have increased dramatically to more aggressive and violent outbursts.

I now have my 3 and 5yo thinking kt is acceptable to shout at one another very loudly and aggressively.

She has now gone past my ds and is starting to lose it with me.

Ive noticed with ds that it appears very controlling.
If he doesnt do as she says, she will shout, scream and physically attack him.

I have a no hitting rule in this house which applies to all, but dd thinks she can get away with it.

Everyday she walks through the door, shouting at my ds and violently throws her school things down and then proceeds to rant at me.

I understand she may be stressed or what have you, but imo there is no excuse to behave in this way!

I have tried talking to her, she just keeps saying its because of her rat of a brother being an annoying little rat.

I have tried every approach possible. I have had difficulties like this with her since she started walking.
She pushed my ds down the stairs at age 6.

Im at my wits end. I have told her from now on, if she is not speaking to me in a decent manner then i am going to completely ignore her until she speaks appropriately.
I have also told her its bed early if she loses control and throws, hits or slams things.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 10-Feb-14 18:11:47

It's easier to appreciate how your younger DCs are when the eldest is being a pain. DS is worthy of your protection, and his feelings count. I don't think it will help if you stop talking to DD. Ignore negative, attention seeking behaviour (other than physical violence which should be addressed) without ignoring her. If you show emotion, she'll feed on it and the problem worsens. She's testing you. You don't mention a DP, do you mind me asking is this behaviour reserved for you, how is she with her dad?

If she and the younger DCs show temper and squabble with each other, put the responsibility on them. For every fight they all get consequences no matter who starts what. Domestic chores are a great deterrent so start giving out jobs, eg vacuuming or sweeping the floor, sorting out socks, emptying the dishwasher, cleaning bikes etc. It's important to take care of each other and while it is all right to be angry with each other, it's not all right to hit or be verbally abusive towards one another. Eventually they'll prefer to work something out, before you step in.

Is DD happy with herself? What's going on in her social group, how are things at school? Does she get privacy at home, is she fighting for your attention? When she talks to you, when possible give her your full attention. What if she kept a journal or diary, somewhere she can express herself. It's private, so you won't read it unless she wants you to see a specific chapter.

Hold a weekly family meeting where everyone gets a turn to talk, one at a time. Talk about what works and what doesn't for the whole family. It needn't be for more than half an hour, but everyone has a voice. As a parent you aren't taking sides, but ask each DC calmly, what they think happened that week, and encourage each one say why their feelings are hurt or in DD's case, why she was angry. If they can talk without calling each other names, and work things out, you should see an improvement.

Each DC has an important role in the family and is important in their own way. So comment on specific contributions, make each one feel valuable. And tell DD and your other DCs you love and appreciate them and do it often. After all, with four DCs you can't show favouritism - you love them uniquely.

Ask DD to draw up a kindness chart, a point system, and prizes. Being kind can be a habit. She's become used to being mean to DS and now she's extending it to you too. Maybe you can teach her to stop and consider just before she lashes out. Rewards can be 1:1 time with a parent, extra time on a pc, choose a pudding. The trick is, they all get a prize.

Whenever anyone on the family spots someone else doing something kind or helpful, add that person's name to the chart, parent or child or visitor.

Explain the idea to the rest of the family. Let them come up with ideas maybe include stuff like:-

sharing without being asked
talking not shouting
helping to lay the table
helping a DB or DSis with a chore eg put on their shoes
finding a sibling's mislaid book/toy/article of clothing
reading a story to/playing a game with one or more DB or DSis
putting away toys, etc.

Maybe it will help everyone to stop, think, and be nice.

wontletmesignin Mon 10-Feb-14 21:11:48

Thank you. There are a lot of helpful tips in there.
I like the family meeting!

My dd doesnt see her df. He stopped (very inconsistent) contact when she turned 9. I know this is where a lot of her anger stems from, and his inconsistency before that.
Her db who she is nasty to,has the same father.
I dont know if this has anything to do with why she is angry at him often. Her dad was more interested in seeing her, not her db. So i dont know if that has something to do with it?

I have been reading a book "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk"
And what i have recognised is that when she is ranting and raving, i dont ever just listen. I try to problem solve for her, and i think this winds her up and ends in a battle.

I put it to the test before. My 5yo ran in at bedtime to say goodnight and aggravated her. She shouted. I told ds not to wind dd up, and told dd to stop the shouting. She said it is hard. I told her i understand how frustrating it is for her.
She then came into the boys bedroom and helped sort the beds out, all happily and gave them a kiss goodnight.
She does give kisses everynight, but usually after ds winding her up she would have done it with frustration being there.

She has also been speaking very nicely to me tonight.

So tomorrow when she comes in with a rant - i am going to listen. That is all.

My dd isnt very happy within herself. I do worry about her a lot, as she has been through an awful lot considering she is only 10.
She does brilliantly in school. Always has done.
She has her sats coming up and i think it is stressing her out. On top of 3 brothers who she feels set out to deliberately annoy her. Then she has me telling her to just calm down.

When she isnt so frustrated. She is very kind and thoughful (of everyone but her brother). She can be awesome at helping out without me asking. She can be great with the little ones.

When she is like that,you can see how much she enjoys herself and life in general. But it only lasts for a short while.

I just wish i knew of a way to make her happy more often!

She does have a diary. I am always telling her if she finds something to difficult to talk to me about, then writing it down always helps. Even if she just wants to tear it up and throw it away. It is still getting it out of her system. It will also help calm her down when she is angry.
She does this from time to time, and she says it does help.

I really like the idea of the kindness chart. Dd loves being creative so i think she would enjoy making one of those.

She really is going through a hard time at the minute. A little patience and a new way of handling things is needed. Hopefully we can find a way that works for all of us.
Thank you xx

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 10-Feb-14 23:18:28

After writing the essay and pressing Post, I thought maybe suggesting family counselling would have been good and concise! You sound as if you're on top of this already, take care.

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