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Holidays with inlaws

(21 Posts)
valece Mon 10-Feb-14 14:57:27

Hi all.

Having a bit of a debate with dh atm about our summer holiday. Basically he wants to invite his mother to join us on holiday this year and I have said I don't want her to join us. I don't think I am being unreasonable to say no, but would welcome some outside perspectives.

Some relevant history - dh, ds and I live in Central Europe, family are all back in the UK. We rarely go back to the UK to visit, MiL visits approx 4 or 5 times a year, fiL and his wife once a year. DS is only grandchild. MiL spends every Christmas with us (all the Christmas break), and in addition to other visits peppered through the year comes for a week when it is the birthday of ds.

Last year we did go back to the UK, booked a small place for us and the next thing all of dh's family had a "great idea" and booked accommodation at the same place (fil did not!). This meant that our holiday was taken over by them and we spent every day from waking to bed time with them. Our summer holiday (our first in 7 years) was a week in Spain, fil and smil booked the same resort but different hotel. We saw them 3 or 4 times during the week.

Now we are looking to book our summer holiday and dh suggested that we should invite miL! I said no, as it would be nice if we could have a holiday by ourselves for once. DH thinks last years holiday was practically by ourselves as we saw so little of fil & smil. Major difference if MiL does join us is that she would want to stay in our hotel (hopefully in her own room!) and we would have to entertain/accommodate her all holiday as she would be alone with us due to her dh not liking to travel... Furthermore, dh thinks that we should be making the most of spending time with her as "we dont know how much time she has left, she is not getting any younger", she is 63, in good health!

Dh feels bad that we live far away from family and they don't see ds often, however I really feel strongly that we need time with just our family, the 3 of us. We have MiL at every holiday (well Christmas break, but she arrives the day dh finishes work and leaves the day he starts back).

So at the end of that ramble, do you think I am being unreasonable to say I don't want her to join us? After the discussion last night I could tell dh was displeased I had said no, and I know this conversation will need to be resolved with either him not having the exact holiday he wants, or it being me. Should I just suck it up and say sure, invite her.

Flyonthewindscreen Mon 10-Feb-14 15:01:03

No, I don't think YANBU to want to spend a rare family holiday, just you, your DH and DS. It sounds as though MIL spends plenty of time with you considering the distance. Is there any chance DH has already mentioned it to her though?

myroomisatip Mon 10-Feb-14 15:01:52


I suffered the same sad

My sympathies.

valece Mon 10-Feb-14 15:02:47

Hi Kamer, yes he has already mentioned it to her. She asked him whether I would not prefer to go just ourselves and he said he would ask me and get back to her! So if she doesn't get the invite she will know its because I said no.

mistlethrush Mon 10-Feb-14 15:03:01

No, you're no unreasonable.

I note that you do not mention your parents at all? I bet he would not be so keen to spend ALL his holiday time and time off with YOUR parents - so why should you spend all yours with his. I also agree that some 'family' only time is good - and if you don't have that at christmas or any other holiday period, even more important.

We had MiL staying with us for part of our summer break last year - it definitely made it less of a holiday for all of us - it was necessary last year - it isn't this and we're looking forward to that!

Flyonthewindscreen Mon 10-Feb-14 15:03:01

Also, just read that your Mil does have a DH but he doesn't like to travel. That isn't your fault and doesn't mean you have to be the source of all holidays for her.

HumphreyCobbler Mon 10-Feb-14 15:03:43

YANBU at all.

valece Mon 10-Feb-14 15:09:22

Thanks for the replies, wasn't sure if I was just so blinkered by my horror at having to invite MiL that I was missing some major point.

My parents are dead, but you are correct he would absolutely not have been keen at all to spend all his holiday with them when alive. When I make that point to him he says "that's different"

I do think it will be less of a holiday, it just wont be as relaxing. Hope he sees my point of view about it.

HumphreyCobbler Mon 10-Feb-14 15:10:22

ask him why it is different!

HumphreyCobbler Mon 10-Feb-14 15:12:35

I mean, it is only different because his feelings seem to matter and yours don't..

eddielizzard Mon 10-Feb-14 15:14:09


it took 7 years before we managed to have a holiday on our own! was lovely.

valece Mon 10-Feb-14 15:16:35

I have done, its apparently because MiL is easy going and my dm was challenging at times ^^ However, he just thinks that because it his mum! I found my mum more easy going and MiL challenging, the "its different" comment makes no sense, and is a non point imo. I think he just says that because he has nothing else to say to that other than "no, I wouldn't have liked to spend all holiday with your folks"

valece Mon 10-Feb-14 15:17:11

Dear God, 7 years....

HumphreyCobbler Mon 10-Feb-14 15:18:28

good luck

mistlethrush Mon 10-Feb-14 15:22:29

DS and I spend a week with my parents in the autumn as I get more leave than DH and he doesn't want to spend a week with them but DS and I do - works brilliantly. But in your case, definitely no!!!

exexpat Mon 10-Feb-14 15:22:34

YADNBU. We were overseas for years, family back in the UK, so spent every summer holiday back in the UK doing the rounds of all the relatives. Not relaxing and not really a holiday at all for me.
To balance that out, we always spent the Christmas/New Year holidays going somewhere we wanted to go, just by ourselves. It would definitely not have felt like a holiday if we'd had to spend all the time trying to keep the in-laws happy.
Even if your MiL is upset because your DH has already mentioned it, you need to put your foot down.

DizzyKipper Mon 10-Feb-14 15:26:20

omg no no no no no no no!

Flyonthewindscreen Mon 10-Feb-14 15:28:20

Your DH was out of order to mention the holiday to his DM before speaking to you about it, if she is upset, it is his fault! The fact that she asked DH if you would not prefer to go by yourselves might suggest she would not be totally shocked to not be invited along though?

valece Mon 10-Feb-14 15:42:15

Yes, I think he just hadn't thought that I wouldn't want her to join us! She must know it would not be my first choice though and idd it does suggest, as you say, that she will not be shocked to not be invited.

SofaKing Mon 10-Feb-14 15:53:13

No. Dh and I shared a holiday apartment with my dmum, and stayed in the same caravan park as his parents.

I was ready to strangle my dmum by the end of the week, and dh and I agreed we were wise not to give in to the expensive holiday pil's had wanted us to take, as they had managed to make the week all about their wants and ruin it for everyone else.

We have decided not to invite them again. We do feel bad, dmum doesn't have a lot of money and pil live far away so don't see much of the DC, but holidays cost a fortune and I don't want my DC and my dh to have their time away ruined because there is always an older relative to consider.

Don't be me, you have already suffered enough holidays with family to insist your next one is with your own family only.

tallulah Mon 10-Feb-14 17:29:56

We had several years of taking my DM on holiday. The first few were great but things have got worse as she has got older. YADNBU to not want to take an extra person on holiday with you. It's not even an IL issue. An extra adult completely changes the dynamics.

The fact that she has asked him whether you wouldn't prefer to go by yourselves suggests she will be OK with a no.

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