Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Think we are on the verge of splitting up- help and advice please.

(21 Posts)
Screwsfallout Mon 10-Feb-14 13:08:59

Name changed, sorry. Basics- 18 years together, never got married (this was his choice really although I could have forced issue) 2 school aged children. Very nice lifestyle, he earns a lot (100k) and we live in a nice house. I have a part time job earning buttons but have basically supported his career and raising our family. We were both happy with this but I know he quite enjoyed the imbalance.

So, bad weekend, been told to move to my mums miles away if it's 'so bad' and he's not leaving the house. He told the children to try and panic and frighten us regarding money/housing.

I know I have less rights than someone who is married, but how bad is all this? I'm not leaving (let's make that clear) and I've tried to have a look at the gov website but my brain is a fog today.

Can anyone tell me what usually happens in these circs?

WholeNewProblem Mon 10-Feb-14 13:15:05

Sorry to hear your situation.
There was a post on this in relationships last week where a lot of these issues were discussed.

Unfortunately, I think it might be the case that assets are divided according to your contributions, but that he will need to pay maintenance for your children. However, if you are joint tennants of the house then that will change things a bit, I think.

There is a very good poster called 'Olga something' who has posted info on this in the past.

Fairylea Mon 10-Feb-14 13:18:46

Do you both own the house? Whose name is on the title deeds? If it's mortgaged is the mortgage paid from a joint account with both your names on?

If the answer is yes to any of these questions you have a lot more rights than otherwise.

I'd consult a solicitor.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 10-Feb-14 13:20:21

Sorry to read of your situation.

Is he the sole named owner of the property you all reside in?. If this is the case I have a nasty feeling that he is well within his rights to actually ask you to leave.

You state you are not leaving (are you referring to the house rather than him?) but that may well not be your decision to actually make.

You need legal advice and fast.

If you search a poster by the name of Olgaga this person has put up lots of information regarding separation.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 10-Feb-14 13:21:09

He would not be financially responsible for you in the event of separation but he would still have a financial responsibility towards his children.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 10-Feb-14 13:23:01

Who owns the house?

Screwsfallout Mon 10-Feb-14 13:26:42

The house is in both our names but we have never had a joint account (yet more evidence of the EA) and I haven't contributed to the mortgage.
I have to admit that I thought that children were allowed to stay in family home.
The poem by Ted Hughes springs to mind today. If I stay and suck it up they will see this crap relationship. If we split, the children will suffer. I think he would miss the dog more- perhaps I should hold her to ransom? grin even though I feel shit.

Screwsfallout Mon 10-Feb-14 13:27:41

Got me right over a barrel hasn't he?

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 10-Feb-14 13:33:20

You are not totally powerless here but decent legal advice for you is now essential.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships, a relationship in which EA (and there are probably other types of abuse here as well) has and does featured is absolutely no model for them to emulate as adults is it?.

Why do you think the children would suffer if you split?. Children adapt and its far better for them to have two parents apart than to be together with one of them controlling the other. Controlling behaviour like your man has shown you is abusive. There is also a massive power and control imbalance here too; he has held all the cards really from the get-go. That is something that you must never allow to happen to you again.

There is really no good reason to stay, your children have likely heard and seen more than you perhaps care to realise.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 10-Feb-14 13:35:30

If the house is in both your names, then the fact that you didn't contribute to the mortgage is irrelevant.

Covalone78 Mon 10-Feb-14 13:35:36

Good read

Covalone78 Mon 10-Feb-14 13:38:27

from the link

"If you are joint owners, you and your partner have equal rights to stay in the home. However, if you have children, you can ask a court to transfer the property into your name. The court will only do this if it decides it is in the best interests of your children. It is usually done for a limited period, for example, until your youngest child is 18 years old."

AliceinWinterWonderland Mon 10-Feb-14 13:45:46

I think he would miss the dog more- perhaps I should hold her to ransom? grin even though I feel shit

That right there is a good indication that you will get through this. Be strong when you need to, find the humour (even if it's dark humour) when you can, and do what's best for you and your DCs.

Screwsfallout Mon 10-Feb-14 13:49:18

Just had a quick scan of that document and it seems like I would be able to stay in the home with the children. I do need to see someone, don't I?
He's really angry with me for suggesting this split but he cares so so desperately about his reputation and nice guy image that perhaps he will be reasonable.
My friends of divorced parents hated it and the situation it put them in. That's what I mean about the lose/lose.
I was so young- should have trusted my instincts in the beginning but was swept off my feet.

Fairylea Mon 10-Feb-14 13:51:05

If the house is in both your names then effectively you are entitled to half the house - although he may fight tooth and nail to say you haven't paid the mortgage. I doubt he is going to get far saying that though. Do you pay any bills, are these in your name? Start keeping records of anything you have contributed to the house. (I had a situation with my ex husband where he was not on the title deeds to the house - I solely owned it - but he was able to claim 25k from me because he produced receipts that he had paid for some plastering and windows at the house,that sort of thing might be useful to you in terms of costs if he tries to have a moan).

It's a very difficult time but hopefully with some good legal advice and some hands to hold you will come through this fine.

Screwsfallout Mon 10-Feb-14 13:56:22

I do have a very dark sense of humour and good friends who I can share that with. I love mumsnet (he hates it) the stuff you don't want to say in public yet though.

How do people do this? I'm not even in love with him and it's awful.

Right, hate drip feeding but could I take a little vote. P thinks it's ok to call me a fat lazy pig who will lie on sofa all day because it was said on the spur of the moment, rather than planned. I had just arrived home at 2am after a lovely evening at friends house. Yes I should have sent text but time slipped away (and nobody else had to)
It's not is it?

IsabellaRockerfeller Mon 10-Feb-14 14:05:35

If he earns 100k you will be entitled to a lot of child maintenance, about 20% his salary (check csa website).

And you will be able to claim some benefits to top up your wages.

Check out the "entitled to" website.

Get a copy of his wage slips or bank statements incase he tries to hide his earnings.


Covalone78 Mon 10-Feb-14 14:11:37

You need to see a professional legal advisor

Also, just because you don't contribute financially, the fact you have built a "home" for him and your 2 DC counts for an awful lot on the contribution front

BuzzardBird Mon 10-Feb-14 14:14:52

No, it is not. I don't get why some couples have to text each other if they are out for the evening, it is bonkers! Calling you any names is not OK, but you know that already. He is obviously controlling?

BuzzardBird Mon 10-Feb-14 14:15:57

Don't you get a free half hour usually with a solicitor? Get yourself down there and find out your rights. Failing that there is Women's Aid and Citizen's Advice.

herald Mon 10-Feb-14 17:43:25

Go see a solicitor , talking from experience you may be entitled to spousal maintainence , you will also be entitled to some of the house it doesn't matter who payed the mortgage .

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now