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Family pressuring me

(94 Posts)
FeelingRailroaded Mon 10-Feb-14 10:41:34

Sorry I have NCed and this will be the most frustratingly vague OP ever (to avoid outing me).

I am under pressure from family to do something that will benefit my parents and sister financially but financially have a detrimental impact on me. I have been pushed to make an immediate decision on this and been made to feel really guilty about it.

Part of me would like to be in a position to help them out but I feel resentful because:
a) I am feeling emotionally blackmailed into it
b) I have a lot on my plate at the minute and asked for a week to think about it, only to be told no I need to say yes today (or be the worst in the world.)
c) My sister (who is financially benefitting from the situation) is in a position to help but doesn't want to lose money herself so is foisting things onto me! She will be gaining a lot while I am losing a lot for no gain!
d) Because it's family there will be no contracts involved - I have a feeling the situation could drag on for a long time, costing me a lot of money and resentment, with no prospect of amicable resolution if the shit hits the fan.
e) It could get very costly for me for all sorts of reasons.

My gut instinct is to say no now, ride out the storm and be made to feel like a bitch, on the basis that it will probably end better than me saying yes and then being full of resentment and a row developing down the line.

Either way it's a lose-lose situation for me.

So really I am asking: have you been in this situation before (being railroaded into subsidising other people's transactions at your own loss)? And what did you do?


ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 10-Feb-14 11:22:16

And point out that your sister could afford to do it and ask them why they think it is ok for you to lose money.

AngelaDaviesHair Mon 10-Feb-14 11:22:50

I hope you've said no by now OP.
Remember, if you say yes then you have demonstrated to them that emotional blackmail and unfair pressure works on you. That means that down the line, if the work is not done, or they don't want to hand back the asset, the same tactics will be rolled out to ensure you back down and let them have their way again.

The only way to make sure you are not facing this kind of drama long-term is to say no from the off.

FelineLou Mon 10-Feb-14 11:28:45

It is your asset and your and DH's decision. If you do not use it that is your right.
Just "No".
Try to remove the possibility of its use by selling or reassigning.
Emotional Blackmail is not fair and your sister should risk her own whatever not seek to use yours.

MimiSunshine Mon 10-Feb-14 11:33:32

Hi OP your problem sounds familiar so while i wont say what it is or the issue forcing this, i do think i know what it is (don't think i know you in the real world though).

You have to say no, you can already see the problems that will arise, its not even a gut feeling its a sign in 100ft neon lights telling you there's a massive cliff to drop off ahead.
To ignore it would be madness, your family are trying to use the argument that you should because your family and you have no reasonable reason to say no, well you do.

Text or email them all at the same time and say "My decision is no. I have decided that the financial risk to me is too high with zero benefit. My suggestion is DSis - you support this financially as you also stand to benefit, but from now on please leave me out of any further discussion.".

If you get any kind of negative response and and wheedling to make you change your mind, don't justify your decision any further and respond with "my mind is made up but i am upset you would try to emotionally blackmail this way when there are other options that don't have to involve me."

FeelingRailroaded Mon 10-Feb-14 11:41:35

I said no but I think I need to be clearer or it will turn into 'You said you'd tell us in a week, now we've wasted a week waiting' etc. Feel like chickening out and getting DH to do it.

Up to my eyes with work here too (in between MNing blush ) so I really do not need the extra stress.

I am especially incensed because I told DM last week that it probably wouldn't work out but that I couldn't think about it for a couple of weeks. Then I still got a phone call from DF (with DM chipping in in the background) presenting it as a done deal and an offer I would be mad to miss out on hmm

BlessedAssurance Mon 10-Feb-14 11:46:53

Op, i see you haven't said no yet. You need to say no..

BlessedAssurance Mon 10-Feb-14 11:47:51

Cross posts op. Good for you for saying no..

FeelingRailroaded Mon 10-Feb-14 11:48:34

I did say no to DF who got really angry and upset. I just think I need to say no again as they are not averse to rewriting what was said.

FeelingRailroaded Mon 10-Feb-14 11:48:58

And X-post here too smile

eddielizzard Mon 10-Feb-14 11:54:33

nono noooo

and note - no-one on here has said yes!

Sparkeleigh Mon 10-Feb-14 11:57:18

Say no.. A family member took a loan out for his brother who promised to repay him, and in the end the fallout among the family from the brother not keeping up with the repayments was worse than if the lender had just said no in the first place.

FeelingRailroaded Mon 10-Feb-14 11:58:57

I know eddie. Despite that when I do say the final no I will be emotionally blackmailed, told that I'm selfish, made to feel the worst in the world and will also no doubt be unable to ask for any assistance, no matter how trivial, for the foreseeable future, without having this decision thrown back in my face.

Sparkeleigh Mon 10-Feb-14 11:59:33

Oops, massive cross post sorry! Good on you, stick to your guns, it'll cause less stress in the long run.

ToBeSure Mon 10-Feb-14 12:00:30

Ohh, I really feel for you. I know its a bit wussy but can you just blaim your DH?
I have had a situation like this where my DBrother wanted to borrow my car. I said no but it was a little awkward.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 10-Feb-14 12:00:43

Do you know how much this would theoretically cost you? can you put a £ figure on it?

If so, would it help to say look. You want me to do this, but it would be to my financial detriment to the tune of £X. Are you going to compensate me for that? Because if you are, send me a cheque. Otherwise, accept that I do not want to in effect give you £X and respect my answer.

FrankelInFoal Mon 10-Feb-14 12:01:16

Can you send them all an email so that you have put your "NO!" in writing for them. It'll be much harder for them to try and twist your words if you have physical evidence.

Don't let them emotionally blackmail you, it's bad enough they want you to pay out for their benefit but the fact that there will be no legal contract covering you in case it all goes wrong makes me shudder.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Mon 10-Feb-14 12:01:27

When anyone pushes their own agenda and applies emotional blackmail you absolutely have to be both clear and firm

"Sorry we are unable to go along with your plan as it doesn't fit in with the decisions we have already made and put into action."
The End.

AngelaDaviesHair Mon 10-Feb-14 12:02:57

Honestly, I would say DO NOT blame your DH. It's unfair, and will be counter-productive, because your family will think you were prepared to do it but DH stopped you. Hard as it is, they need to know that neither you nor your DH wanted to do it.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Mon 10-Feb-14 12:05:19

FeelingRailroaded you say that if you don't go along with it you'll be made to feel the worst ever.
Also, how likely are you to call on family assistance anyway, sounds very much the other way around to me.

However, if you do go along with it you'll still feel bad, feel emotionally and financially used and abused and also have put yourself and DH into a situation which is to your detriment.

So it's a no win situation anyway, but one decision leaves you worse off than the other.

diddl Mon 10-Feb-14 12:05:50

Turn lose/lose into win/win.

Say no & with any luck they'll want nothing more to do with you!-win/win!

CinnabarRed Mon 10-Feb-14 12:09:47

Get the asset in question on the market sooner rather than later - they can't pressure you to use an asset you no longer own.

OliviaBenson Mon 10-Feb-14 12:34:32

I'm guessing here, but if say this was a house and they wished to live in it, you might find you have legal obligations I.e. gas certificates etc, even if they aren't paying you rent etc.

I have no idea what the situation is, but if there would be legal ramifications, this might help you construct your response. And yes to putting it in writing via email etc, so they can't twist it around at some point.

ToBeSure Mon 10-Feb-14 12:35:27

On reflection, I think AngelaDaviesHair is right that you shouldn't blame your DH - it would be counterproductive and could lead to even more pressure being put on you.

FeelingRailroaded Mon 10-Feb-14 12:52:08

I didn't mean blame DH more get him to make the call as they will be more inclined to be polite and less heated.

ToBeSure Mon 10-Feb-14 12:58:40

My last post was referring to my suggestion that you blame your DH. Not to your suggestion that he field the calls from your family. IYSWIM

It's a good idea that he field your families calls but was, retrospectively, a bad idea of mine that you blame your DH

Hope that clear grin

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